Weekly Topics - January - June 2016
May 29 : Work with Other Alcoholics
From page 89 of The Big Book (4th edition):
"PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill."
This reading reminds me how the program works. Service was something I could do from the beginning. Before I worked all the steps. By sharing my story and listening to others. I'm reminded of what it was like, what happened and what it's like now.
I've been able to adjust my perspective in life. Today I do not regret the past as it brought me here. I'm here not to wallow in self-pity, but to share my ESH and carry the message.
Life was unmanageable. Today it's not. I go to meetings, work the steps with my sponsor, and try my best to practice these principles in all my affairs.
When I hear you share, it strengthens my sobriety. When I share with you, it strengthens my sobriety.
I'll keep coming back. :)
Please feel free to share on this topic or anything that may be on your mind.
May 22 : Fun in Sobriety
I decided to suggest a concept I often struggle with: fun in sobriety.
Although I am very grateful for my new life, I don’t always know how to enjoy it.
When I look around, I see a lot that needs fixing. I still boss my boyfriend around, I have trouble taking direction, I tend to isolate. There is plenty of room for improvement. In fact, I could exhaust myself worrying about my character “defaults.” And that is one of my character defaults: I tend to be hard on myself.
So I’m trying to lighten up. There is a time to work on character defects, and there is a time to have fun. Because the old “fun” was killing me, my first job was finding new things to do.
I didn’t know what I liked, so I started trying stuff out. I’ve taken adult tap and meditation classes. I’ve discovered I love birds and hanging out with my cat. Last month, I attended an interpretative dance class. And danced! And I wasn’t wasted!
Sometimes when I’m spacing out with my cat, I think: “You really need to be taking care of business, Kirsten.” Then I remember that I am.
Taking time to learn what I like is helping me figure out who I am. So far I’ve learned that I have more energy and more courage than I knew. Sometimes I can give myself a break. I’m sure that’s what my HP wants for me.
How have you learned to have fun in sobriety? What have you discovered about your sober self that was a surprise?
Please feel free to share on this topic or whatever is on your heart this week.
May 15 : The day I stopped drinking
It's very special for me to chair the meeting today as it's the anniversary of the day I took my last drink. My first memories of that day (I would have been drinking from the moment I woke) are putting the lead on the dog and looking at the clock, it was 10am exactly.
I walked down to the phone box (I remember that walk) and looked up AA's number in the phone book. I had no idea what AA was, but I thought tramps who slept on park benches went there. I didn't care, I was at my rock bottom and didn't know where to turn. I had been drinking too much, too often for too long, and I didn't know how to stop. Eventually when I managed to dial correctly, a nun from the local convent answered the phone and gave me the number of an AA member.
I have no idea what I said to him but by the time I'd walked home, two twelfth steppers were at my door. They talked to me about my drinking and about AA. I had that amazing feeling that I was not alone. The lady, her name was Brilda, took me to her home for the day, then took me back to my house so that I could change for the meeting that night. I was lucky. It was a Thursday, a day when one of the three meetings in my city was held.
I can't really describe what I felt as I walked into the room with about fifteen 'normal' looking people standing around drinking coffee and smoking. I didn't understand but as the meeting started and people shared their stories, that night I knew I had found a home, a place of safety where I could be myself for the first time in many years.
That happened thirty-six years ago today.
I was going to introduce a different topic for this week, but as I wrote this introduction, I had that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, memories of that day are intense. I found myself reaffirming the fact that I NEVER want to go through anything like that again.
I wondered if it would be useful for all of us, whether one day or fifty years sober, to share about the day we stopped drinking. I know I would love to hear your stories. Of course, please share about anything that's concerning you.
A word of comfort before we revisit those days comes from 'The Keys of the Kingdom' (page 312 in my Big Book):
“There is no more 'aloneness' with that awful ache, so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing before could ever reach it. That ache is gone and need never return again. Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved.”
May 8 : ACCEPTANCE and How It Works in your Life
The program offers us another way to approach life without a drink. We can learn to accept the things we cannot change and change the things we can.
The answers to our questions are all found in the Big Book and in the Step Book, the Twelve & Twelve helps us change the things we can, with practice. We can learn to trust, once again, when we apply the Steps of this program to our daily lives. I didn't get here a drink short, or a day late. (SD 9/22/87)
When I got to A.A. I felt hopeless. If you are new here, I understand how you are feeling. Difficulties, opposition, criticism are meant to be overcome. When I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable by me, acceptance followed and my daily recovery began. I started by working Step One. My sponsor and I shared our stories. For the first time in years, I didn't feel alone. I spent my first year as a shut-in. My detox was hard and painful. The only thing I knew was if I drank again, I would die!
Having a sponsor assures us we're never alone. Trust is not a given. Trust is earned. As times went by, I began to trust. I got a sense of security which accompanies my belief that the miracle of recovery is one alcoholic helping another. That is my experience. It flows between us. When I became willing to get honest, I opened my heart. The key I found is being there for another person and accepting them just the way they are with no judgment of any kind. They accept my help.
The solution to all my problems are found in the Steps. No human power can relieve my alcoholism. For me, it was to change my stinking thinking. To find a Higher Power. Acceptance of this fact had many drawbacks. I didn't believe. Acceptance of a Higher Power was a terribly hard risk to take. As I stayed sober, I let down my defenses.
At two years sober, I went to my first f2f (face-to-face) women’s meeting. There the miracle happened. There I heard their stories. That day, I became willing to work Step Two. This Step taught me that we all get to choose a Higher Power of our own understanding. "Step Two (page 25 in the Twelve & Twelve): "CAME TO BELIEVE that a POWER greater than OURSELVES could restore us to sanity." For our newcomers, all of the Steps are but suggestions. But when I got honest with my sponsor, things began to get better. Life took on new meaning. (Page 31, 12&12): Whatever price in humility we must pay, we would pay." It gets better. God restored my sanity. Today, when I accept and practice humility and responsibility, I grow. I take care not to hurt myself or others. Words have the power to hurt. The Steps and many inventories have taught me that to love others here is to give our es&h (experience, strength and hope). Thank you for giving me yours. No drink on earth could ever compare to the unconditional love and acceptance you give me everyday. Accepting God was the best decision I've made.
I accepted a God of my own understanding. God was restoring the sanity I lost in my disease. The best acceptance was eventually of myself and all my defects and accepting others of theirs.
My recovery has been a whole series of storms, storms that helped me garner a closer relationship with God, my sponsor, and all of you dear alkies that help sprout new growth. Acceptance is a process. Today, I focus not on the problems I face; I focus on the solution. Accepting we are not perfect. We are human beings who help each other stay sober.
Acceptance to me truly means letting others see who I really am. It has alleviated my suffering. It took a lot of courage to allow myself to risk being vulnerable. God makes all things possible.
There is only one way acceptance has worked in my life. It is only one appropriate choice to every hardship, storm, or angry feeling. It is the one that is honest and wholly reflective of who I am at this moment. After 28+ years sober, acceptance is still a process. My solution is still working the Steps and helping others stay sober ODAAT (one day at a time).
I don't always understand the way my God works. But I believe He works through people. Today, I accept with faith that each day is a new beginning for all of us. The Steps have given me the peace that I use to seek in a bottle. We can't talk to a bottle. Each day of abstinence offers us the chance to look ahead with hope. Helping others is the bright spot of my days.
Thanks for letting me lead our meeting.
May 1 : Good Advice
A quote from an AA member, who was asked to share some good advice with those who are trying to get and stay sober.
"It is crucial to surround yourself with people that are up to what you are up to in your new way of living. There is joy in sobriety; you can bring that out in each other as you spend time with friends in recovery. Stay engaged, stay outside of your head, and appreciate the new things you can learn from new friends."
For me, the primary person who is "up to what I'm up to" is my sponsor. She actually teaches me a lot during our calls and emails.
When I am depressed and following one-track thinking, she may hop from subject to subject, sometimes absolutely dragging me where I don't want to follow. I didn't see this as deliberate. I just thought she was easily distracted! Now I know better.
Or, I would reach out to her to check in, and she would tell me about some really funny event. I would laugh, of course; but I'd also wonder, "What is WITH her? She is not as AA "tuned in" or spiritually "deep" as I am!" Now I recognize her laughter as the other part of recovery, the part I could have missed!
We always engage in some "small talk" -- just a few minutes of news headlines, anything that might remind me there IS a world outside and I MAY want to be able to talk about it in a caring, interesting manner. She knows that my mind tends toward depression and self, and she reminds me I am part of a caring community.
When an Inventory or a Step is getting the best of me, my sponsor shines. I may be trying to figure out how I can find out the full name of a person I hardly remember so that I can apologize deeply and sincerely. I'm practically ready to hire a detective to show my sincerity, and my Sponsor says something quietly about "daily amends" or "everyday amends"... I turn my attention back to her. What? Learn the lesson and apply it daily, as if that person were here? Oh! Ok. Amends. I can live that. My Sponsor is so familiar with these AA things that are new to me, she helps me to get to what matters, and skip the drama. We pray together, learn together, share sobriety together.
I'm grateful to be "surrounded by" my sponsor, grateful that she cares enough to share her recovery road with me. I'm learning so much more than I ever expected.
Would you like to share what the opening quote means to you, OR share your greatest bit of advice with us?
April 24 : Acceptance
“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation, some fact of my life unacceptable to ME, I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake!”
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 449 or 417
Wow, some powerful yet simple words of wisdom. I am learning how to let go of things and allow them to fall as they may. I have always been a control freak but when I accept the things I cannot change, when I do God's will instead of mine, my life is serene. Whenever I am disturbed, my sponsor directs me to Page 417 of the Big Book. It never fails to bring me back to reality and reminds me I'm not the Director!! LOL
Please feel free to share on acceptance or anything that is on your mind. Remember, we're in this together!
April 17 : A Vision For You
Taking from page 152 of the BB,
"… Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping – off place. He will wish for an end … Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you."
Wow! To me, the above just described the last 74 months of my life!!! ;) I celebrated my 6th anniversary, this past March. It is a time of great reflection, remembrance and joy for me. March 13th is my anniversary, a week later is my belly button birthday, and March 27th would be my Mother's birthday. Six years and 11 months ago, my Mother was at that jumping off point, and very sadly she succumbed to this disease. Fast forward 10 months later, and that is exactly where I was. I wished for that end. I had created so much chaos, destruction and misery in my life that I thought there was absolutely no way I could crawl out of the hole that I have dug. I had picked up many white chips, in the process.
Until, I FINALLY surrendered completely and started doing what you guys told me to do. My life is a far cry from what it was in March 2010. I have purpose, life, freedom and happiness. My life is far from boredom, as it states in another paragraph of this page. I have these tools to live life and this program and fellowship that I am so grateful for. Without them, I would not be the person, wife, mother ... friend that I am now. Believe me, it seems like it is a tug of war, sometimes ;) But these day if I fall, I always get right back up!
Thank you so very much, in allowing my to chair this meeting. Please, share on where you were and where you are now (if you like). Or, share on anything that is on your mind.
April 17 : A tool in your Recovery Toolbox
For our topic this week, I am suggesting, what tool in your recovery toolbox stands out for today as one that you find particularly helpful or inspiring in your recovery.
The one that I am selecting is the nightly review that is shared on page 86 … the first full paragraph in Step 11. It contains a series of questions about my day. I find this review helps me to be honest with myself about my day – particularly when I share it with another. It causes me to take pause and truly review the day for any character defects that may have come up – and I particularly like the part that asks if I thought of myself primarily or others. And then it directs me to pray for correction where needed … and I can go to sleep with a clear conscience. Whether I have lived a healthy sober day or not, I have a least prayed for direction about how to correct it if I have not. It is up to me to follow through with that guided direction from the God of my understanding.
So, ladies, the meeting is yours. I have shared my tool that I am finding to be particularly inspiring and growth–producing in my recovery for today, and I open it to each and all to share the tool that they find the same thing with.
April 10 :The Family Afterward
As I approach the occasion of my 32nd AA birthday, I have chosen relationships with the family as the topic of this week’s meeting. A lot has changed for me since May 1984, when I left a drug and alcohol rehab shaky and scared, still experiencing withdrawals, but incredibly hopeful about starting a new life.
Because of my disease, I had lost custody of all 4 of my children; my 3 boys all went to be with their father one by one; and I was forced to choose adoption for my daughter.
Without drugs to numb the pain, I felt the debilitating losses for the first time, but I was reeling from detox and unable to face these tough issues for some time.
During my drinking/using years, I had traveled 50 miles to Simi Valley to visit the boys where they lived in that community with their Dad. I would take them, and we would stay at the Motel 6 overnight; they all were polite but did not enjoy that much. I was heartbroken I had given birth to them, yet we were many miles apart.
My new sobriety hardly affected them. They were all in college by that time: two of them far away and one was fairly close at Cal State Northridge. Eventually he started visiting me, and we built a relationship which we still have. After 32 years and life changes for me, we are loving, kind, and tolerant toward each other.
Another son started a relationship with me, but it ended due to other circumstances, and I haven’t seen him for eight years. A third son has two boys. I DO have a long-distance relationship with his teenage son, who is unaware of my alcohol and drug abuse. It is with great joy that I anticipate a visit from son and grandson in early 2017.
The BB of Alcoholics Anonymous in Chapter 9 (p. 122-135 4th ed.) reminds us: “living with an alcoholic would make anyone neurotic. The entire family is to some extent ill.” I must keep this in mind if I balk at the way family members behave, both early in my sobriety right up to the present.
Like the alcoholic, family members can, if they desire, remember the bad times and use them as lessons to change their own behavior or help other people.
The BB quoted Henry Ford, who once said experience is the thing of supreme value in life, explaining that is true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account.
“We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets.” This has been true, not just for me, but for all of my family.
The chapter tells us, “We are not a glum lot; we absolutely insist on having fun,” and we are sure that God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. For me and my adult children, we all make our own misery and a background in AA helps us to avoid such pitfalls but to use spiritual principles to restore peace of mind.
With a birthday in sight and a useful life with opportunities for me to help others in AA, a relationship with my dear brother, and a step-son as well, with a natal birthday in June when I will be 77, I AM GOOD.
Please share with us your experiences with family before and after sobriety and where you are today.
April 3 : Keeping Sobriety as My Number 1 Priority and Not Taking it for Granted
I chose this topic because I have a sober anniversary coming up in a few days. I have been in AA since 2008, but I had not maintained continuous sobriety as many of you know. I will have three years, God willing, on April 5th. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would stay sober for that long. As Susanne L says, "It works if we work it." It really is a "daily reprieve," and I continue to take it one day at a time.
There have been plenty of times when I didn't keep my sobriety as my number one priority and when I have taken it for granted. My disease would tell me that I don't have a disease. I would put other things ahead of it such as jobs, an affair, exercising, changing careers, Facebook, etc. There were times when I didn't have a sponsor – did not want a sponsor (in other words – did not want to be accountable to anybody), thought that I didn't have that "low" of a bottom, and thought that I didn't need to go to as many meetings. Honestly, every time I got into that situation, I ended up relapsing.
In the past two months or even a little less, there have been two women that I once knew who died from this disease. Both of them left behind young children. It makes me so sad and really shakes me up, especially when it hits so close to home. On the other hand, it makes me so much more grateful for my sobriety and makes me realize that I can never take it for granted. Sobriety is truly a gift, and we are truly the lucky ones!
I just want to share how just recently I had to make a difficult decision. If I hadn't taken this course of action, there is no telling what it may have done to my sobriety. Although it was a positive thing that I was doing, it was taking up a lot of my time and causing me stress – causing me to feel like my life was becoming unmanageable. To me, that is progress and shows me that I am growing in this program. In the past, I would have fought it and insisted on having everything my way. Amazing – I feel like I'm actually starting to "grow up" but still have a ways to go. Progress not perfection, right?!
I also have a new sponsor who I absolutely love! We go to a lot of the same meetings at the AA club in my home town. I am so grateful to have her in my life! I also have a new sponsee who I've known for about 6 years. She had moved away and recently moved back after a relapse. I am very grateful to help other women in the program.
Lastly, I would like to end with part of a reading from Daily Reflections: COMMITMENT p.55 (February 16)
"… I could no longer hide behind self-rationalization, nor behind the insanity of my disease. The only course open to me, if I was to attain a joyous life for myself (and subsequently for those I love), was one in which I imposed on myself an effort of commitment, discipline, and responsibility."
I need to keep doing the foot work – stay committed to my AA program, remain accountable and responsible, do the next right thing, and help other alcoholics. I also wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my Higher Power, who I call God.
Grateful for all of you and for being on this journey with you! I look forward to reading your shares. Thank you for allowing me to be of service!
March 27 : Rebirth, New Beginning
This is my first time chairing a meeting, either online or in person, so it's an exciting opportunity, but I also worried about what topic I'd share. I do have a lot of questions and ideas would pop into my head, but I kept telling myself that when it was time, my HP would guide me. I originally chose this date, March 27, 2016, because it was the closest to my 9-month sobriety date, not even realizing at the time that I was choosing Easter Sunday. So, it seems most meaningful to me to discuss what Easter symbolizes, rebirth and new beginning, as it relates to being an alcoholic.
I remember sitting in my first meeting on Day 1 and reading the steps before the meeting began. I naively thought something to the effect of: "Yes, I can agree to these. I'll speed through these steps in record pace." I had no idea at the time that not drinking alcohol has more to it than just not drinking alcohol or how hard it would be. But that was where I was beginning, and showing up at that first meeting was an amazing beginning for me.
I will admit that it has become more of a habit to not drink alcohol and, therefore, easier in some ways. But I also know that I cannot become cocky and think I've solved my alcoholism and can now drink moderately. I still get cravings sometimes, especially if I'm extremely stressed or if I smell it or if there's an event that I'd normally associate with drinking: weddings, Happy Hour, or weekend dinners for example. I have thought about drinking alcohol a lot over the past nine months, and I don't know if that will change with time. I still feel jealous when I see pictures of people with a drink in their hand and still sometimes feel uncomfortable walking through the alcohol section of the market (kind of like I think that I need to keep my defenses up). I can say that it has only been until recently that I've realized that my hard work is paying off.
The biggest realization has been from going from a mindset of "I'm just not going to drink alcohol, and this sucks that other people get to drink and I can't" to "Hey, there are some benefits to not drinking alcohol and admitting I'm an alcoholic and doing the work (steps and counseling to work on cognitive behavior therapy for depression and anxiety) is showing some positive evidence in my life." I still have to 'play the tape' to talk myself out of the first drink (i.e. what would happen after that first drink), and I can never think that I've cured my disease and can become a moderate drinker. I know alcoholism is a tricky disease that will try to convince me I'm cured and can drink again.
I'm seeing some positive evidence and happiness, despite all kinds of stress in my life:
- I'm growing a relationship with my HP that wasn't there nine months ago, and it is a spiritual awakening.
- I've handled nine months of sobriety despite all that has gone on around me.
- I've noticed I'm reacting to situations differently: more confidence, less worrying about what other people think, way less taking on of other people's problems, more awareness of my previous patterns and habits that were unhealthy or unbalanced, slowing down before reacting, feeling less overwhelmed.
- I'm spending money that I used to spend on alcohol in much more productive ways.
- I'm spending time that I used spend on alcohol in better ways: more meaningful conversations with people I love, more reading, more creative pursuits.
- I have more energy and no hangovers, which just makes life better.
- I have no more regrets about not remembering or remembering and feeling shameful about what I said or did.
- I'm aware that there is more work to be done and always will need to be done in my journey since beginning with AA. I'm also aware of how much more I need to do with step work.
- I'm aware that none of these positive changes would have happened without beginning a life without alcohol.
So, my questions for you are: What has been your rebirth or new beginning since your first day of sobriety? How have your ideas, thoughts or actions changed since your Day 1? Or what else would you like to share?
March 20 : Service
My AA birthday is always a time for reflection for me. Each year, I am amazed that so much time has passed. And each year, I am so grateful that through the Grace of my Higher Power whom I choose to call God I have been blessed with so many 24 hours without needing to pick up that first drink. Each day is a pearl to me, a gem as it were. And I string them together one by one, day by day, and the light of my Higher Power becomes reflective through me, as I adorn myself with His gifts One Day At A Time. I ask myself, how exactly did I do it?
AA, my sponsor, and a willingness to take suggestions and/or direction. I tried to do this AA thing all on my own when I first came through the doors. (I was fiercely independent, and I did not need your help.) Never mind that my life was a mess and I was a mess, I was convinced that I was not as bad (that's some twisted thinking!) as you, and I could control and manage my drinking. I did what was suggested: I went back out and "controlled and managed" my alcohol consumption until I was down on my knees some years later asking God for help. I was lost when I got back to AA, and I needed a guide.
When I walked back through the doors of AA, I made a pact with myself to do this differently. I agreed to follow direction this time. That meant that I needed to attend regular meetings and to find a Home Group and a Sponsor. My "Home Group" was the local AA Fellowship that I made a commitment to. My commitment was to attend the same meetings each week. (I was able to attend twice a week where I lived in La Paz, Mexico.) It was suggested that I get a Service commitment in my Home Group. That could be making coffee, leading a meetings, unlocking the door each week, or simply greeting people at the door.
I picked a Sponsor in my Home Group that I could relate to. (There were only two sober women in my tiny English Speaking Fellowship, so I picked the one that did not remind me of my mother.) Well, as God would have it, the one I picked ended up moving, and so I was left with the only other woman in the group, Sylvia. She "plugged me in" at times, as she was so much like my Mom in my eyes. But in the end, Sylvia became my sponsor, and I love her so much today. (My God apparently wanted me to work through my "mother stuff," and He picked Sylvia for me is how I choose to see it!) She did not have any strict protocol for me to follow, but she was a gentle guide for me - not at all what I expected.
I have heard it said that for the newcomer, the soul searching that we are asked to do, is a bit like going 10-42 on a jungle safari. A safari can be a dangerous place, and it is best to go with a knowledgeable guide. So, that is what Sylvia was for me. She had traveled the dangerous and tricky waters and dry deserts of the mind and was able to guide me as I ventured in between my own two ears. (I have heard it said that if my mind did not need me for transportation, I would probably be dead by now.) So, you see my mind is out to get me. It will tell me that this time is different, one drink won't hurt, etc. etc. My sponsor became my sounding board. She did not tell me what to do. She would offer up suggestions now and again and support me in finding my own truths. She was careful not to bombard me with her ideas but let me find my own way. In all honesty, she loved me until I could love myself.
Through my relationship with my sponsor, I learned to be of Service to others. At first that began with some sort of service commitment in my Home group. I learned to participate in business meetings, be part of a group conscience, take a position such as secretary or coffee maker, etc. I learned to be accountable by committing to a service position at the group level. By learning to do for others in AA by participation, I learned that I could also be of service to others outside of AA. It has made all of the difference in the world. I have learned over the years to think of myself less and others more. Baby steps. It began by sharing my story at an AA meeting, and it has grown from there. It was suggested that if I was asked to be of Service in AA, that I should never turn that opportunity down. I have carried that into my personal life outside of AA, and sometimes I get creative with it. I got to know one of my neighbors years ago, and I would take her meals on occasion. She lived alone and never cooked for herself. It was "the next indicated thing" to me. We are very close today, though we live a world apart.
I had two small children when I first came back to AA so many years ago, and while it would have been easy to use them as an excuse to not attend, it was imperative that I figure out how to get my butt into the rooms of AA. I think if this online venue had been available to me at the time, I might still be drinking, as to me this would have been a place that I could have hidden and not given 100% of myself. My life was all about what was convenient for Alison, and I had to do the opposite of that in order to stay sober, heal, and get well. AA has given me my life back and so very much more. I like to think I am the happiest woman in the world today. Thank you, ladies. I could not have done it without you and your service and commitment to the program we like to call Alcoholics Anonymous.
What benefits have you found from being of service in AA, and how has that extended into your daily life?
March 13 : Honesty
The topic of Honesty has been rolling around in my thoughts all week. When I came into the rooms, I was anything but honest, with myself and with others. The web of lies and deception was thick. Through working the steps with my sponsor and allowing that onion of an inventory to peel back the layers, I have been able to face truths and begin to live an honest life. Each day I have opportunities to practice honesty … but telling the truth is just the beginning.
Yesterday, I had the experience of hearing someone become brutally honest with those they had hurt. With this honesty comes the very real possibility of life in prison. This person was willing to do what was right, no matter what the personal consequences might be. What struck me the most was that, by being honest, the chains that imprisoned this person in the darkness of guilt and shame were broken. Honesty does that for me, too.
My questions for you to ponder this week is: How does honesty play out in your own sobriety? What has been your experience with being honest with yourselves and others? How has your approach to this topic changed as you have grown in your sobriety?
March 6 : Personal Power/Powerlessness
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines POWER as “the ability to act or produce an effect.” Real power is basically the ability to change something if you want to change it. It’s the ability to make change happen. Real power is unlimited — we don’t need to fight over it because there is plenty to go around. And the great thing about real power is our ability to create it. Real power doesn’t force us to take it away from others — it is something we CREATE and BUILD WITH OTHERS — (Understanding Shame, I thought it was just me, but it isn’t written by Brene’ Brown.)
I read those words and thought about a time in my life where the only changes I could make were which liquor I would buy — Change was something I was held captive by. But then I arrived into the rooms of AA and started living a new way of life. By working the steps with a sponsor (many times), I have been given the ability to make choices and to produce effect/s. I have power.
The Steps enable me to see things in a different perspective and give me the ability to change something if I want to change it. This definition of power struck me as an asset and something I want. I had the idea that in order to admit powerlessness I had to give up my personal power. I also had the idea that having personal power was at odds with humility. In order to have humility, I couldn’t have power. However, if I understand the definition in this light I can have both. I can admit defeat. I can admit I am powerless, but by the above definition that is the first step towards effecting change and to gaining personal power.
The topic I am suggesting is Power/powerlessness. (The great thing about real power is our ability to create it.)
February 28 : Promise #2
"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." Recently, I've read several statements on social media sites like: 'Don't judge me by my past behaviour; I don't live there anymore.'
Another one is: 'Even though there are days I wish I could change some things that happened in the past, there's a reason why the rear-view mirror is so small and the windshield is so big - where I'm headed is much more important than what I've left behind.'
I've been sober for awhile now and, thanks to our program, I have dealt with things that I did when I was drinking through forgiveness, making amends, and changing my ways. I know today that I had to go through those things in order to get to where I am today.
I don't regret my past, for it is one of my greatest assets. All I have to do is remember what it used to be like, and I am filled with gratitude for the kind of life I am living today.
Do you have remorse or bitterness of your actions in your past? If not, how did you get rid of these feelings? Are you grateful for the kind of life you have today?
February 21 : 7 Deadly Sins
Recently I have come face to face with the 7 deadly sins, also known as my 7 deadly character defects: Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed, and Sloth. Some have been more glaring than others. Pride and anger are the culprits dogging my every step of late -- I go to sleep with them and wake up with them. Hard as I try to shake them, they cling like shadows.
It got me thinking about making a greater effort to shift my focus to their "virtuous counterparts:" Humility, Abstinence, Purity, Kindness, Generosity, Forgiveness, and Diligence. When I feel myself letting pride dictate my reactions, I try shifting to thoughts of humility as a preferred response.
Quite honestly, I don't really 'prefer' to be humble, but I know humility will do me a great deal less harm than pride. When I feel anger hijacking my brain, I try to remind myself how patience and forgiveness could better quiet my stormy thinking.
What this program has taught me is that my character defects don't serve me well at all. If I want peace and serenity, I have to learn to like the virtuous counterparts better than the defects. That is not as easy as I just made it sound, but well worth the effort. Please share what defects have been giving you problems lately and how you can replace them with their virtuous alternatives .
February 14 : Anonymity
While trying to decide on a topic for this week, Dr. Bob's words kept coming to mind, so I decided to go with Anonymity as the topic!
On page 264-265 of "DR. BOB and the Good Oldtimers" (Alcoholics Anonymous World Services Inc., New York 1980), it states:
"As far as anonymity was concerned, we knew who we were. It wasn't only A.A., but our social life. All of our lives seemed to be spent together. We took people home with us to dry out. The Cleveland group had the names, addresses, and phone numbers of all the members," said Warren. "In fact, I remember Dr. Bob saying, 'If I got up and gave my name as Dr. Bob S., people who needed help would have a hard time getting in touch with me.'"
Warren recalled: "He (Dr. Bob) said there were two ways to break the anonymity Tradition: (1) by giving your name at the public level of press or radio; (2) by being so anonymous that you can't be reached by other drunks."
In an article in the February 1969 Grapevine, D.S. of San Mateo, California, wrote that Dr. Bob commented on the Eleventh Tradition as follows:
"Since our Tradition on anonymity designates the exact level where the line should be held, it must be obvious to everyone who can read and understand the English language that to maintain anonymity at any other level is definitely a violation of this 'Tradition'.
Ladies what do you feel about anonymity? Are you open within your group about your last name? Do you agree with Dr Bob?
February 7 : Getting What You Need
While I was considering what topic I would lead with today, I randomly opened a meditation book I read daily. It opened to a passage in which the author told of reading of a best-selling writer who had suddenly lost her child in a freak accident. The author commented that her eyes looked out the window at her own child bouncing a tennis ball off the house, and she realized that she had exactly what she needed in that moment. She whispered a prayer "Help me to remember that all I have is all I need."
One of the most significant lessons for me in sobriety has been to realize that although I may not always get what I want, I always get what I need. I learned this fairly early in my sobriety when at two years sober, I suffered a loss that was devastating to me. I was heartbroken and in so much pain that I didn't believe there was any point in being sober.
At the time I lived near a beach and I stopped at the beach, saying to myself that I would spend an hour on the beach, and then I would go to a liquor store. As I walked down the road to the beach, I ran into a young man that I didn't know well, but I did know that he was also a friend of Bill W. He suggested we spend some time together talking on the beach, and we did. Talking to a sober friend calmed me down and reminded me that I did in fact want to be sober and that picking up a drink wouldn't get rid of my pain - it would only postpone it. But I knew in that moment of encountering this earthly angel at exactly that moment, I knew I would always get exactly what I needed to get through one 24-hour period.
Later, during a time of extreme turbulence in my sobriety when my late husband was actively addicted to crack cocaine, I had an Al-Anon sponsor that kept reminding me of that lesson. Whenever I would call her extremely distraught about the external situation I was in that I was powerless over, she would say, "Be quiet a minute. Are you getting what you need today?" I always had to admit that I was. I have lost touch with that beautiful woman, but on stressful days, I can still hear her voice saying "Are you getting what you need today?"
This week, I would love to hear how you recognize that you are getting what you need in your sobriety. Have you met just the right sponsor or friend at just the right time? Have you read just the right passage in a book that helped you get through another day or heard just the right message at a meeting? As always, you are welcome to share on or off this topic.
January 31 : Contempt Prior to Investigation
In the Fourth Edition of the Big Book, there is a quote by Herbert Spencer on BB page 568 that reads:
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance -- that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
I chose this quote following an incident that I had this week in the grocery store. I was shopping and trying to reach something above my head. Whenever I do this post-accident, I get very dizzy and stagger a bit, and it appears to anyone watching that I have had a liquid lunch. It appears that way because I keep trying to get what I am after off the shelf, and the more attempts, I make the more dizzy I become. It is not pleasant, it is embarrassing but it is what it is.
This week when trying to shop, a member of the fellowship who I had not seen or spoken to in some time was witness to this phenomenon in my life. She reached the thing I was after and told me to "get my ass back to a meeting that I knew better than to drink," and she walked away. She didn't ask me any questions, she made up her mind and decided she knew everything. I had no chance to respond. I got a taste of my own medicine.
When working the steps early in my program, I was unwilling to investigate the gift of spirituality offered me. I often crossed my arms and was adamant that it wouldn't work, wasn't for me ... I have since learned different ... but I had to put away my contempt to be open to the lessons.
I would like to hear your interpretations of the quote or about anything else you feel a need to share.
January 24 : Choosing to Surrender
I have been reading and looking at Step 1 this month. It was only when I was broken and desperate enough that I chose to surrender and come to AA for help. Back when I was a kid, we played "uncle" -- you would get tickled until you couldn't take it anymore and then you would cry "UNCLE" and the person would have to stop. That's kind of how I felt coming to AA -- crying UNCLE -- I couldn't stop that the craving/obsession to drink.
It wasn't just drinking that was the problem -- my entire life was unmanageable. I didn't necessarily think so at first. I only wanted "help" with my drinking problem. I could not imagine that I would never drink again. Alcohol was my best friend. Great friend, huh? My life was a mess and I thought (my best thinking) that I had it "ALL under control". It's almost comical looking back at it now.
Surrender seems like a continuously difficult thing to do, but gradually I am learning that it's my choice whether I surrender or not. It's a better choice. This weekend is a perfect example -- the east coast storm.
I work at hospital, and this is my on call weekend. Due to the weather (I am powerless over it), the hospital has required all on call staff to spend the weekend at the hospital. Not one part of me desires to do this -- I can come up with lots of reasons and arguments and be mad and pouty. BUT I am choosing NOT to take that approach -- I have to keep reminding myself of that throughout the day. In fact, I wrote a gratitude list this morning after I woke up. (My sponsor has suggested that I pray and ask God how I can be of service to the patients and staff and take the focus off my situation.)
As I choose to surrender and turn things/situations over to my higher power, my life is simpler and easier to maneuver. I do not have it all together -- very far from it -- I can say that I am growing and getting better, and that's a nice feeling.
Please feel free to share how you choose to surrender in your life and how that works for you.
January 17 : Happy Usefulness
"Those of us who have spent much time in the world of spiritual make-believe have eventually seen the childishness of it. This dream world has been replaced by a great sense of purpose, accompanied by a growing consciousness of the power of God in our lives. We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our work must be done. These are the realities for us. We have found nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience and a life of sane and happy usefulness."
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 130
Before coming to the rooms, I used to be so darn self-absorbed. I would tell you that I was selfless, doing for others, but really it was only to get something in return. I had low self-esteem, yet I only thought of myself. All the time.
Enter the program, the steps, the ES&H of you ladies and my sponsor, and I have come to find my purpose. It is to be useful to my family, my friends and my employer ... and to my God. Today I am grateful that I know my purpose, and I am grateful for the peace that it brings me.
Today I can speak slowly, clearly, and with purpose. My actions are thought out and organized (most of the time.) The reality of my life today is that, thanks to several spiritual awakenings, I am useful. I know that, thanks to the God of my understanding, nothing is impossible, and everything is possible.
I have dreams today. I know that keeping my feet firmly planted in this program, I can achieve these dreams. There's no need to worry. I need only to trust and have faith that so long as I keep doing the next right thing. And in doing so, dreams that I didn't even know I had will also come true ...
Please share on this topic or anything else that's on your mind.
January 10 : Boundaries
I have been thinking about the holiday season with its heightened emotions and extra activities and how my approach has changed from year to year as I learn more about my preferences.
I was at a restaurant with others in a small group, some of whom I had never met before. I discussed with the waiter my "alcohol allergy." I enquired about a meal that was described in the menu as having some kind of alcohol base on the steamed greens. After receiving assurances that the chef could easily provide the meal alcohol free, I ordered it.
The restaurant was busy, and when the meal finally came out I immediately tried the greens and knew straight away they had served me a meal with alcohol.
After a discussion with the waitress, she started talking about alcohol being cooked off while others at the table looked on and even behaved as though I was being difficult to get along with. Of course, when I told the waitress this was unacceptable, she took the plate away and returned within minutes announcing that another identical meal was coincidentally just being prepared and I could have that instead.
Despite my reticence, I tried the greens again. Being super sensitive to the taste of alcohol, I could recognise the taste of it immediately. The plate looked exactly the same and it seemed to me that the veges had been, if you can believe it, "rinsed off". By this point others at the table were taking quite an interest in my meal instead of their own.
I left the meal on the table uneaten. I did not trust the kitchen and no longer wanted to eat in this restaurant, so I decided to focus on conversation instead. Someone at the table, who didn't know me, even began making veiled comments about appreciation and the art of being flexible in a busy restaurant.
My point is this. I couldn't care less! I just absolutely didn't care! Maybe there would have been a time when making what appears to be a scene matters to me, or going hungry matters to me, or what I think others think of me matters to me, but when it comes to my sobriety (I don't care) about any of those things. I speak up and behave according to my own truth no matter what, without feeling a need to explain or excuse myself, and if it gets down to it, I will do whatever it takes to take best care of me without a moment's hesitation. Regardless of the fall out. Anywhere, anytime.
My partner wasn't with me during that meal, and when she found out she was angry. She told me she would have wanted to storm the kitchen or insist on speaking to management, demanding satisfaction and refunds or whatever. I understand this is because she cares, and the way it unfolded was unacceptable to her.
But my HP and I have an understanding. God removes the obsession and compulsion, and I take care of the leg work, guided by God's will as I understand it, and by our steps and our traditions. By the program principles, again, as I understand them. For me, this is about setting boundaries, and it also means going quietly about the business of being vigilant. Being responsible and accountable for myself in all matters pertaining to alcohol, without depending upon or involving anyone else where possible. And in this instance, I decided to avoid any more controversy. For me, the level of escalation and drama would have become detrimental to my peace of mind, so I chose to remain calm, seated at the table, and talking to the other guests.
And I am wondering ...
In addition to attending meetings and doing the steps, what does vigilance mean to each of us, and how do we practice it in practical ways to protect our boundaries? What lines in the sand have we drawn in advance to keep ourselves safe from the unexpected?
My own vigilance in order to protect my boundaries, in the first instance, along with attending meetings and handing over to my HP, was to make sure that no alcohol entered my body or my psyche, through the taste of it, the smell of it, the touch of it, or even the idea of it. To this end, I started reading all labels including medicines, stayed away from people, places and events, where alcohol was a focus - or where it would be a focus for me (which was everywhere and everyone in those first days), and always asked questions when eating away from home.
Later on, those things became habit. And I still do them today. In fact, perhaps today I do them as much as ever so that complacency cannot get a foot in the door. I need to always respect this disease and my powerlessness over it. And to remember those aspects of this disease that hide so effectively. Denial, justification, self-sabotage, rationalisation, and the list goes on.
And so today it is within my boundaries to expect whoever is drinking to clean up their own bottles and glasses. This is my preference. It's not that I can't, it's just that I don't pick up bottles and glasses, full or empty. I have no business doing that. I also expect whoever is doing the drinking to buy their own alcohol. Again, it's not that I can't, it's just that I don't.
It is not my preference to stop in at the pub or bottle shop while I am out doing the grocery shopping. And the food I eat is 100% clean. I avoid eating in pubs with the smell of alcohol soaked into the carpets, not because I am at immediate risk but because I prefer not to. The conversations I have about the drinking days are only ever connected to twelve step work. I do not reminisce and would never compare drunkalogues. And at the end-of-day drink o'clock time I choose to walk the dog, or read a book. etc. or sit quietly by myself. I rarely sit around in drinking get-togethers with a soda in my hand. The habit and ritual is unacceptable to me.
Maybe these boundaries seem extreme to some, but for me there is no such thing as over reacting when it comes to keeping myself sober, straight, safe, and sane. And while I don't make a loud song and dance about it, I know what is negotiable and not negotiable for me, and I act accordingly. I have communicated much of this to those closest to me and with whom there is mutual trust.
Having boundaries means I don't test limits. I just take care of me, in the same way, all the time, without exceptions. So it doesn't matter if it's Christmas, some other celebration, or a lazy Sunday afternoon with family or friends, my vigilance does not rest, and my preferred boundaries remain in place.
What about you? What boundaries do you have, and how vigilant are you in maintaining them?
Please feel welcome to share on the topic of boundaries or on anything else that may come up for you.
January 3 : Just for Today
Here we are in a new year, and it's easy to get caught up in looking ahead, making plans and fearing the future. One of the first things I was told when I came to AA was that I only had to do this thing today, just for today. I had been a daily drinker, and for many years, it was not possible for me to make two days in a row sober. The concept of just staying sober today was, therefore, acceptable to me. Doing it was a very different thing.
My mind constantly wandered to tomorrow. Could I stay sober tomorrow too? How would I do it? And what would I do when I failed? Slowly, I found strategies for getting through today without a drink. For me, it was often one hour at a time. I'd give myself permission to have that drink ... in an hour. Then I'd get busy with some task. Before I knew it, a few hours had passed. I'd give myself permission again to have a drink ... in an hour. This way, I managed to string days together and stay sober. I had the cleanest oven in Northern Virginia!
As time passed, as I did the steps and worked with my sponsor, as I attended meetings every day, I began to learn that this approach worked for life too. All I had to do was get through this one day without freaking out. I began to ask in my morning prayer that HP get me through this day without a drink OR an emotional meltdown. I could always thank him for keeping me from drinking, but often, I had to ignore the emotional meltdown part in my bedtime prayer.
Early sobriety is so hard emotionally. I drank to become numb to my emotions, which were usually dark, angry, resentful, hurt. I would go on 'emotional drunks' every couple of months. They'd last for about two weeks before I was finally exhausted and willing to let go and let God. Little by little, I began to trust my HP's solutions rather than try to force my own. Things got better. Life got easier when all I focused on was this one day. I learned that Just for Today worked as well for life as it did for not drinking.
Over time, living Just for Today has become more important. I find that when I can stay in this one day, life is pretty easy. Problems may arise, but it will be ok. All I have to do is let my HP handle it and go about my business. The impact of my emotions is not nearly so severe as it once was. I can actually handle them - mostly by giving them to God. I don't have to solve everything now. I can make plans, but they are always subject to revision, depending on what is going on in the omnipresent today.
It took a LOT of practice - a lot of trial and error - to get to the point where Just for Today is my Number One tool for sobriety and for life. There were many times when it seemed impossible. But I have figured something out ...
Today is literally all there is. It is the only time I can make the choice not to drink. It is the only day I can nurture friendships or apply one of the program's tools. Most important, it is the only day I can experience the rich relationship I have with my Higher Power. Today is truly the only day that exists. Living in that space is both comfortable and rewarding.
My suggestion for the topic is Just for Today. Are you struggling with living in this one day? What are or have been your challenges? And how has this approach changed you and your life? Of course, please feel free to share on anything you need to talk about.