Weekly Topics - January - June 2015
June 28 : Willing To Go To Any Lengths?
Especially in your beginning in AA, were you willing to go to any lengths to get sober? And if so, what were the things you did such as: lots of meetings (90 in 90), get a sponsor and keep in touch with her by email and or phone? Did you do daily readings, find a quiet time to do those readings and try to get the best you could from those readings. Did you ask God for help (when you came to believe) and thank Him at night for your sobriety. What did you feel was and is the most important thing you do each day to stay sober?
Or if you choose share on something else that is on your mind.
June 21 : Road to Recovery
"Autobiography in Five Short Chapters"
Chapter 1: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I PRETEND I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place, But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. It see it is there. I still fall in. It's a habit, but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter 4: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter 5: I walk down a different street.
This reading reminds me of the definition of Insanity by Albert Einstein: "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". Like -how many times did I tell myself after a day/night of heavy drinking and subsequent horrible hangover that I would never do that again? How many times did I make a promise to my God that if He got me out of the mess I had gotten myself into that I would never get drunk again? Too numerous to mention and I couldn't keep the promises I made. I would justify my drinking by telling myself that if s/he hadn't said or done that, or if you had my problems you'd drink too, etc. I would berate myself for doing this repeatedly and wondered why I couldn't get off the treadmill of doing the same things over and over again.
That hole in the sidewalk (alcohol) removed my feelings of self-worth and self-esteem and left me feeling useless, worthless, less than and a person who even I wouldn't want to be around. When I became sick and tired of doing this, I prayed and cried out or help to my God to show me a better way to live my life.
My prayer was answered when a co-worker friend of mine with 9 years of sobriety saw the pain I was in and took me to my first meeting. I was relieved to learn that I wasn't a bad person trying to be good, but a sick person trying to get well. This made so much sense to me that I admitted I was an alcoholic and that my life was unmanageable. At first, I choked on the word, alcoholic, until I learned about your struggle with this disease and it was pretty much the same as mine. For the first time in my life, I finally fit in with a group - a group of alcoholics who got sober and helped others to get sober by sharing their ESH.
What havoc is/was that 'hole in the sidewalk' playing in your life? What or who helped to get you onto the Road to Recovery?
I'll be interested in reading your shares on this subject or on anything else that is happening in your life that you'd like to share with us.
Thank you for being along with me as I 'Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny'(Chapter 5) and for your sobriety and mine.
June 14 : Resentments and Forgiveness
Hello everyone! I was asked by our Weekly Leader Listkeeper if I could step in to chair this week. After I said "yes," I realized that this is the week of my sister's birthday. She has chosen to not speak to or contact me since 1991. The reasons are multiple; I created and fanned some of them and some I did not. I have made 3 amends for my part in this situation.
What I have realized for the past few years, with the help of my sponsors and other AA folk, is that...
It doesn't matter what my sister does or doesn't do about the fact that I'm her sister. As one dear friend said about something else recently, "she isn't doing anything TO me, she is just doing."
It has taken me a loooonnnngggg time to come to this place of (mostly) quiet acceptance. And it has taken a long time for me to be uncomfortable enough when the self-righteous anger flairs up to quickly turn that moment into an opportunity to pray for her emotional and physical health. In fact, this whole "situation" has become a guide for me to assess where I am today in terms of acceptance.
I so wanted to be justified in my anger. I wanted to hold on to that anger, and the Big Book tells me that nursing anger will get me drunk. The Steps take me through the process of seeing my part in the situation, identifying my traits (character defects) that contribute to my part, turning those over for change to HP, then going forth and trying to right the wrongs I created. The story, Acceptance was the answer, tells me about the process of accepting the other person. The story, Freedom from Bondage, tells me about a tool (prayer for the person who I resent, asking for everything I want for myself to be given to the other person). And the book, 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, talks about the process of forgiveness in terms of the steps. So this process has taught me a lot:
- I have had to learn how to enact forgiveness
- I have had to learn how to pray for someone even when I don't want to
- I have learned how to hand over - sometimes one minute at a time - another person to my Higher Power because I am not entitled to judge the state of anyone else's life
- I must work the steps of AA to stay sober and to stay alive, and the most effective way to do this work is to let go of my expectations of others
- I must not expect perfection from me, and therefore I must not expect perfection from others.
- That when I live in the answer, the problem goes away (see Acceptance was the Answer for what I'm paraphrasing here).
Today, I feel a little melancholy that my sister isn't in my life - and I needed to write that so I can ask HP to help me not slide into martyrdom and victimhood. And since the 16th is her birthday, I think prayers for joy and happiness for her are in order.
I would love to hear where you are with acceptance and forgiveness and how these states play out in your recovery. And if you don't want to share about that, I hope you'll share about where you are right now.
June 7 : Keeping My Peace
What challenges or situations may threaten your peacefulness, and what do you do so that you can get it back? What are the "tools" you use to get back into balance? How do you use our Program to remain at peace and remain in balance?
Here is how I take on challenges and keep the peace:
- I acknowledge that LIFE just keeps happening - - -no matter what I do about it! It's up to me how I respond to it.
- I accept what is instead of resisting what is placed before me;
- I trust that WHATEVER is placed before me is what my God wants me to take a look at, go through it, and experience the lesson;
- I have TOTAL trust in my Higher Power;
- I look at EVERYTHING as an "opportunity for growth" instead of as a "problem"; and
- I know today that EVERYTHING passes and I will never experience this moment again and what it holds for me.
IT WORKS WHEN I WORK IT and doesn't when I don't!!!
I look forward to hearing how you keep the peace in your life!
May 31 : God Consciousness OR The Step You Are On Today
I have been listening to Joe and Charlie's Big Book Study while driving in my car lately. (I found it on my Podcast App for those of you who have the ability to do that sort of thing.) We have 12 Steps that help us navigate closer to a God of our understanding. My concept of God tends to be a Higher Power outside of myself. Maybe some of that has to do with organized religion, Im not sure, but that doesnt really matter other than to provide you with a little background on how I think. Maybe it is because so many of us go to church to pray ...
I was reminded while listening to Joe and Charlie that the solution to my alcoholism lies within me, for the simple fact that my God dwells within me. The solution to my drinking problem is inside me, and I have been carrying it around all this time! It is my job to get all of the stuff cleared away so that I may realize that the power is there. I blocked myself from the Sunlight of the Spirit with my character defects, fears, booze, etc., and the work of the 12 Steps enabled me to clean house so that God's light could shine from within.
Slowly I found a sort of God consciousness. An awareness of a Power greater than myself that was steering my course ... I tested my Higher Power plenty during the journey of these sober years. I have been blessed to have lived. After all, I like to drive the bus, be in charge, organize, categorize, control etc. But in the end, I have found that depletes my energy, and it really is easier to let life unfold and trust that my Higher Power has the best plan, route, etc. I began my day by looking at myself in the mirror and saying the 3rd Step Prayer in the mirror to myself and to salute the God within. It's getting easier day by day. Sometimes it is hard to look myself in the eye, but I do it anyway.
If God dwells within each of us, you and I have all the knowledge and all the power to handle anything that might come up in the future provided we know how to tap into that knowledge and power. I have gotten to this place in my relationship with my Higher Power through prayer and meditation; talking to God and listening. The last 3 Steps are the ones that I use on a daily basis now. They have become habit, sort of like brushing my teeth or bathing. It is a spiritual cleanse for me on a daily basis. I have had to practice this stuff, ladies. It is easier to know intuitively how to handle situations now. That has been one of the benefits. Learning to trust myself too ... all of this change in me has come about by trial and error. Lots of error, ladies, that is how I learn best. So, you gals taught me that making mistakes is part of learning how to GROW.
One of the fundamental ideas that I hung on to is that this spiritual growth stuff is a process. I like the passage about being rocketed into the 4th Dimension (page 25 of the BB), but it is not something that happens over night for most of us. (It did not for me anyway.) My spiritual growth has been of the educational variety, and like the tortoise, a slow and mostly steady race, if one can even consider it a race. I suppose in the beginning, I was in a bit of a hurry to grasp enough of the AA tenants or teachings so that I would not drink again, but over time I just kept coming back and listening to the best of my ability.
At about 10 years sober while reworking the Steps, I had a rocket ride with my Higher Power. There is no end to how far we can GROW in sobriety. I continue to evolve, change and grow. Sometimes it is painful, and that's OK too. The answers to all of my problems today are right inside of me! Who would have thought? I am so used to looking elsewhere for answers.
As a child I would cheat on tests sometimes and glance at your paper ... I would pick up a book and try and find the answer too! But what I am trying to share is that I spent much of my life looking for my answers on the outside, and it was a pleasant and sometimes painful experience to find them on the inside of Alison! I love this program and how it works. I learned some years back in an AA meeting that every answer I need lies in the actual seeking for it. The process of seeking my Higher Power's Will regarding any given person, place, or thing will ALWAYS give me my answer. (Note: I may not always like the answer or solution, but I do receive it 100% of the time if I engage with a God of my understanding.)
There are plenty of tools to help me look inside of myself. The work of the 12 Steps are a transformative process and in the end I find myself wearing a new pair of glasses, and the world and those in it look very different to me now. Suffice it to say, Life is beautiful even when it is a load of lemons.
As many of you gals are new and not yet working Step 11, I ask you to share on what Step you are working on today.
May 24 : Pause When Agitated
On Wednesdays, I go to a Big Book study meeting. It's been really helpful for me to listen as we read out loud for about 20 minutes, and then we have a discussion on the reading. Last week we were reading the chapter "Into Action." This is the part that really struck me:
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self- pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 87
Pause when agitated. Seriously? I actually spoke up and asked if anyone really does that. {They do}. My mode of operation my whole life, is to go from zero to ten in a fit of rage. I'm not really proud of that. The thought of pausing seemed/seems impossible. My sponsor says that, God (or the universe) gives opportunity after opportunity to work on our behaviors.
AND Of course, the next day I got to practice PAUSE. What I realized is that before my emotional explosion, there is a brief period of irritation. I never recognized that before. Truthfully, the idea of pausing and praying was not something that I had any desire to do. BUT ... when I always do what I have always done, I get what I have always gotten. That's insane. So I paused and asked my higher power for help. I didn't explode. It wasn't perfect or even pretty but I did it. That got me going back to the literature to read again.
The next line says, we constantly remind ourselves. Seriously? I texted my sponsor and asked her if people really do that--pause. Does she do that? -- pause?--constantly remind herself she's not running the show? - many times each day? She replied - yes, yes and yes. I have been angry for a long time. It's my "go to" emotion. I haven't really known what other emotions there are besides sad and angry and tired. Like so many of us, I used alcohol to medicate myself - to try to feel better - to be happy. And like all of us, the alcohol didn't fix me.
I am practicing/learning to pause, and I am learning to pray and ask my higher power for His will not mine. I like running the show but it hasn't worked. Today I am grateful that I am sober! I have countless blessings. Things have improved in my life. I am still a work in progress. But when I sit back and look at where I was 18 months ago, I can honestly it's a miracle. I am so grateful for AA, my higher power, my sponsor, the fellowship, and this group.
I would really like to hear your thoughts and experiences on this subject - pause. Do you pause, does it work for you, do you constantly remind yourself you are not the running the show? How has that changed your life?
May 17 : Enjoying Life on Life's Terms
I have worked the 12 steps with my sponsor and seen the promises come true. As I celebrate how far I've come, I can't help but remember what it was like I'm reminded of the section from the chapter "A Vision For You" from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:
For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt and one more failure.
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 151
The night of my last drunk, I was on a chartered sail boat on Lake Michigan. The sun was shining and life was good. I was there for work. There were 12 of us, drinking wine and champagne and enjoying the day. Or I should say that's what everyone else was doing. I was drinking and drinking and drinking some more. I couldn't get enough.
After we got off the sailboat, some people were going home and others were going to go for Mexican food and margaritas. I had told myself I was going to go home. I had a husband and a nine month old at home. I should have gone home. But in my mind, it was like I would be missing out if I didn't go for Mexican. I chose chips and salsa and, more importantly, margaritas. I was drinking so fast. I couldn't stop. I had horrible heartburn, and I kept drinking. Then it hit me, I was an hour from home and wasted.
I got up and said "I gotta go." I knew that if I didn't go, I would black out and not make it home. I was scared. So I walked out to the street to hail a cab. We were in Lincoln Park, a neighborhood on the northside of Chicago, and I couldn't find a cab. So I sat down on the curb to wait for one. I passed out and woke up to an EMT throwing me on a stretcher. I panicked. I called him some names, and he threw me on and belted me down. Took me to the ER where I was in and out of consciousness. I slept it off for a bit and when I woke up, the nurse had me call my husband. I could barely speak. It was like my mouth was full of cement. My husband was screaming and crying. I just handed the phone over to the nurse.
My husband had to wake my daughter up and drive to get us. We live in the southwest suburbs. Before I could leave, the doctor wanted to talk to me to see if I needed to be admitted for psychiatric evaluation. I admitted to her what I had known for a long time. I was an alcoholic and my life was out of control. I worked full time, was the "bread winner," had a nine month old . Life was unmanageable. She smiled. She told me she was relieved that I knew what I needed to do. Four hours later, I was in my first AA meeting.
I would see people drink and have fun. They didn't seem to isolate like I did. They didn't seem to feel the guilt, shame and remorse the next day that I did. They didn't seem tormented. They weren't consumed by the desire and the obsession to drink.
I failed at drinking. But since coming to these rooms, I have learned how to succeed at living life. I came to the rooms in hopes to learn how to live life WITHOUT drinking. What I have learned is so much more useful. I have learned how to live life on life's terms. I have learned about patience, tolerance, love, and compassion not only for myself, but for all the other people out there in the world.
For today's topic, I'm hoping you can share on how you have learned how to enjoy life on life's terms.
May 10 : A Selfish Program
Welcome and Happy Mothers Day to all us women, whether you're a mom or a daughter or both. Today is a day we take stock and appreciate those people in our lives. With this in mind I would like to suggest as a topic - It's a Selfish Program.
How does that tie into mothering? When I came in, I was absolutely LAST on the list. Everyone else came first. I had two boys 3 and 10, and a husband who was totally capable of helping and choose to NOT. Then there were the parents and friends and on and on till I was just a human doing. Work, home drink, pass out, work, home, drink, pass out ... you get the picture.
That was 12 years of my life. When I was first exposed to AA, and you suggested I make my sobriety a priority, I struggled. How could I possibly put that first on the list when I had so many responsibilities? My marriage didn't survive, but I did. My children did, and we have relationships now.
Today, I have a relationship with myself. That's something I never had. I have a relationship with a higher power who guides me, takes care of my most basic needs and wants and some very personal spiritual ones as well. There are days I soar on the wings of eagles, and there are days I trudge thru mud. But through all that I have put sobriety first because without that, I am nothing.
I look forward to reading your shares and how you have learned to put yourself first and learned that everyone in your life benefited from your taking action.
May 3 : Rule 62
When I was new to AA, people would refer to Rule 62. I had no clue what they were talking about. I thought it was some secret code. And I guess it is really. "Don't take yourself too seriously." That's Rule 62. It tells me to let go of all that ego stuff and just relax. For me, there are few more important rules in the program.
Don't drink - no matter what - is, of course, the big one. I don't have a chance if I can't put the bottle down. Believe me, I know. It took me nine years to get from my first meeting to my last drink. If I can't get my mind clear, I won't get the benefits of the steps and the wisdom that's so plentiful in the rooms of AA. But once I can actually stop drinking, what's next?
I thought life was going to be boring and empty. Without my best friend, how in the world would I enjoy anything? It was a tremendous surprise to realize that I was busier than I'd been for years and that I was actually enjoying life without booze. But it took longer to learn how to laugh.
We are not a glum lot. The most amazing thing to me about meetings is how much we laugh. Sometimes, it's very dark humor, but that's what makes it funny - we know what dark is. We laugh at things that others might find embarrassing or humiliating. We tell stories on ourselves, admitting our defects without feeling ashamed of them. We know we are sick, but we are getting well - together.
When I can let go of my pride, when I can be right-sized, I don't have to protect my fragile ego anymore. I don't get insulted or hurt so easily. I don't have to make snide remarks to or about others. I am not perfect, and it is perfectly ok. It is even funny. I no longer take myself so damned seriously. What a tremendous gift it is to be free enough to laugh at myself. So, newcomers, when you hear about Rule 62, remember how important it is.
Remember that a sober life is a life that includes plenty of laughter. I invite you to share this week about the laughter in your program - about not taking yourself too seriously.
April 26 : Keeping your Program Fresh
For most of us, the first years of AA are something like a honeymoon. There is a new and potent reason to stay alive, joyful activity aplenty. For a time, we are diverted from the main life problems. That is all to the good.
But when the honeymoon has worn off, we are obliged to take our lumps, like other people. This is where the testing starts. Maybe the group has pushed us onto the side lines. Maybe difficulties have intensified at home, or in the world outside. Then the old behavior patterns reappear. How well we recognize and deal with them reveals the extent of our progress.
As Bill Sees It, page 216
I started this week's meeting with this quote from As Bill Sees It because at two years into this journey, even though I feel like a relative newcomer, I am beginning to lose much of the "Pink Cloud" of early recovery. As Bill W put it, the Honeymoon is over. Having spent two years in the rooms, I know what a dangerous place this can quickly become if I allow my program to take a back seat.
If I allow my program to become stale or boring, I am putting myself at risk of picking up that first drink: the drink I know I can never afford to ever take again! Fortunately, I have surrounded myself with the "Winners" in the program, and because of their Experience, Strength and Hope, I don't have to make the same mistakes some of them have made. I know that now is the time to double-down on working my program. I must question my motives any time someone or something threatens to become a priority over my sobriety. So now the real work begins!
My topic for this week is Keeping your Program Fresh. I'd like to hear from anyone willing to share on how you have kept your program of recovery First and Fresh in your life when the Honeymoon is over. As always, you are also welcome to share on anything you need to share on.
April 19 : Life on Life's Terms
I have been trying to think of a topic for a month now, but this seems to cover it for me today. My dad has been diagnosed with cancer that appears to be in every organ and, today is the 6th anniversary of the death of my children's father. So this week has not only been a celebration, it has been one of stress, sadness, anxiety and most certainly powerlessness.
I am so grateful that today, I have the tools from this program to deal with, accept and live life as it happens and I don't have to drink or pretend to be GOD! LOL When I talked to my Dad (he is in Florida but enroute home, hooray!!!), he said he's taking it "ONE DAY AT A TIME"!!! He's not even in the program! LOL Life happens, and I am truly grateful that I am sober and able to be present today!
April 12 : Serenity
I was going to write about gratitude (one can never have enough shares on that topic- LOL!) but then decided to write about "Serenity" which I feel goes hand in hand with gratitude. If I don't have gratitude, I don't have serenity. Unfortunately, I don't always remember that and then get caught up in the worries and stresses of life. If I don't take care of myself and don't do the next right thing, my thinking gets "stinky", and I get myself closer to that slippery slope. When I pause, breathe, and get in touch with my Higher Power and say a prayer- like the Serenity Prayer- I can feel myself starting to calm down in my head, and my thinking becomes clearer and more positive.
I also really try to meditate on those words of the Serenity Prayer and try to accept that I cannot resolve insoluble problems! Accept the things that I cannot change! Sometimes it's not so easy to differentiate between insoluble situations and those situations that I can change.
From "Came to Believe (A.A. approved literature): "....I find that substituting the word 'honesty' for 'wisdom' often furnishes the clue to the answer I'm seeking." I love that! This program is all about honesty. I have learned to be more honest with myself and with others. Boy oh boy - all the lying and the sneakiness that I used to do!! I had to stop lying to others and lying to myself - I learned acceptance and tolerance AND Honesty, Openness and Willingness (HOW)!
"Serenity to me, therefore, is the absence of insoluble conflict. And it is up to me first to determine whether, after an honest look at myself, I can cope with the problem, then to decide whether it is to be tackled, passed over to another day, or dismissed forever." "Came to Believe," p. 111
After I've accepted that I cannot change a situation (people too), I become more at peace with myself and the situation. It's really comforting to know that. When I can change something, and I have taken an honest look and have prayed about it, the next thing for me to do is the very best that I can. If I know that I did the very best that I could - that I did the next right thing - then I am at peace and have serenity. Wow, it's taken me a long time to figure this out - I am a slow learner -LOL! But it is progress, not perfection!
April 5 : Types of AA Meetings
I realized that it would be helpful to start a discussion on what is bothering this alcoholic currently. In my immediate area, there were 4 Discussion Meetings a week and 4 Speaker Meetings. The 4 Speaker Meetings have regular attendance and participation but one of the Discussion meetings, a Big Book Meeting, folded before Christmas because they could not afford to pay rent due to lack of attendance. The other 3 Discussion Meetings, a 12 and 12 Study, a Women's Discussion, and a General Discussion are all just hanging on by a thread with very limited attendance (2-3 people, many times one). My questions to the GROW membership are what types of meetings do you attend and do you have a preference for a certain type of meeting?
All AA Meetings are great, and I have never left a meeting without learning something. My preference is for Discussion Meetings where everyone gets a chance to talk and hear more than one other person share. One of these Discussion Meetings (the 12 and 12 Study) had the reputation that it was for the educated AA members - which was just an excuse used to not attend by many. That meeting has the same cross section of long-time recovering alcoholics, newcomers, and all stages in between as well as alcoholics with degrees and alcoholics who can't read but are just as smart as those with formal educations. Three of these meetings are all held at the same place and are part of the same Group that has a Speaker Meeting. This Group started 66 years ago with the Speaker Meeting, then about 30 years ago the General Discussion Meeting started, then 25 years ago the 12 and 12 Study Meeting came into being and I started the Ladies Meeting 10 years ago.
I was wondering what type of meetings you ladies of GROW have where you live and is attendance staying the same or falling off?
March 29 : Resentments
Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. In the Daily Reflections, it says "If I continue to relive my old hurt, it is a resentment and resentment bars the sunlight from my soul. If I continue to relive hurts and hates, I will hurt and hate myself. In As Bill Sees It ... harbouring resentment is infinitely grave. For then we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. Anger is a luxury I cannot afford.
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.
Know God;
Know peace.
No God;
No peace.
This is only a little of what is written in Daily Reflections. I know anger comes from my resentments. This is where my mantras come into play. Let go and let God. I can still get angry, I can still feel the emotions but my choice is not to cover over it with alcohol and I can't afford to stay there, so I must pray, talk to my sponsor, and go to meetings. I struggle with meditating but in listening to people talk it is an important part of my sobriety.
Prayer is talking to God.......meditation is listening to God.
Resentments for me come from feeling I am not enough! Why does she have more than me. Why is she thinner, prettier than me. My knitting is never as good as hers ... the list goes on and on and on.
In my two years of sobriety I have grown. Thank goodness for spiritual progress and not perfection ... I need to go easy on myself, forgive myself like I forgive others.
My great sponsor reminds me as I continue on this spiral journey, don't compare myself to others. I am enough. Pat myself on the back because whatever I have gone thru (dealing with life on life's terms) I didn't have a drink.
When the resentments set in, I go back to a book I was given in an AA meeting "The Golden Key." Six short pages ... when a person or event is upsetting me, my eyes are off God. Using the theory "Golden Key" it or them it really works.
I am learning daily, what is my business and what is not, that I am not in control of people. That they are behaving the only way they know how to. It is not up to me to do their inventory ... lol just do my own and keep my side of the street clean!
I am so thankful to be on this journey with the many I have met in GROW. When I read a share that I just need to read, I know it is God's handiwork. Nothing happens in God's universe by accident. I just need to sit back and ask "What is God trying to teach me right now?" Be Still and Know that I am God. I know God loves me just as I am, but he loves me too much to leave me there.
March 22 : Plan the Action, Not the Results
My husband and I made a decision recently, that we would not live apart any longer and trusted that the money part of this would fall together. But in view of the fact that we have waited our entire lives to find each other, it did not make sense to live in two different countries. So he gave notice and is coming home on April 4th and is done with the China gig. Hurrah! Rather magically and because we simply do the next indicated thing together, he applied for a job in Florida a month or so ago. The salary turned out to be far short of our needs, so we figured it was not meant to be. But last night he received an email informing him that the new Florida-based company would like to fly him to Florida later next month for an interview.
Now here is the part that I like the most. It's not so much about the salary. We are not even sure we want to live in Florida right now. In fact, ideally we would get to spend the summer in our beautiful home here in the Great White North of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. The winters are brutal, and we "Yoopers" really look forward to the spectacular summer months followed by the flaming Fall colors! After 200-300" of snow removal we earn our summer months! At any rate, we don't want to move to Florida right now, but perhaps God has another plan.
Together Dave and I have concluded that we must follow this job offer to its conclusion. The one thing I do know is that we will be happy no matter where we are, as AA has given us the tools with which to live life and the promises of happiness, joy & freedom. Plus, I am one of the most adaptable people that I know. I can live almost anywhere. We will plan a trip together to Florida later next month, "try it on" and see if it is a good fit. We will pray together and make the decision together. We will write about it, the pros & cons and we will analyze and do the footwork. We will "number crunch", pray some more and in the end we will know that we made the right decision for us and we will have no regrets. That is how AA has taught me to live my life. So for today I will plan the action and not the results.
It has taken me a lifetime to get to this place where I don't need to "steer" (don't get me wrong, I will still try on occasion to control stuff!) or manipulate, conjure, massage, orchestrate, etc. the outcome of events in my life. I am learning, albeit ever so slowly, sometimes to let stuff/life unfold. It is certainly more exciting that way! I trust in the process today and know in my heart if not in my head, that God has a plan. It is His plan and all I need to do is the footwork and the rest will unfold naturally.
So today, I plan the action not the results. This is born of trust - a ruthless trust in a God of my understanding. It has taken years of "testing" my trust, years of letting go little by little and finding out that it all works out for the best. This of course, is only affirmed in retrospect. I just cannot see today what the outcome of "the game" will be. And it does not matter to me now. What matters is that I get up and do the best that I can just for today.
My Mom had a book on her nightstand that I will never forget the title of, and I have it on my nightstand now. In fact I would love to simply frame the cover and hang it on the wall as I didn't enjoy reading it all that much. It is titled "Don't Push the River (it flows by itself)" by Barry Stevens. The title conjures up the perfect imagery for me of just how to live life.
God has a plan here for my husband and I, and it is my job to do the footwork. I have learned to have little vested in the actual outcome, because God has always given me/us exactly what I need when I need it. What I know today is that during the course of my sober years, my Higher Power has ALWAYS taken care of my needs. I trust my God today. The freedom that gives me is priceless, absolutely priceless.
March 15 : Humility and Responsibility
On Page 272 of "As Bill Sees It" it says:
"All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: humility and responsibility. Our whole spiritual development can be accurately measured by our degree of adherence to these magnificent standards.
"Ever deepening humility, accompanied by an ever greater willingness to accept and to act upon clear-cut obligations -- these are truly our touchstones for all growth in the life of the spirit. They hold up to us the very essence of right being and right doing. It is by them that we are enabled to find and to do God's will."
TALK, 1965 (Printed in Grapevine, January 1966)
These two little paragraphs contain an enormous amount of truth and a standard that seemed foreign to me when I entered these rooms. I did not take responsibility for my acts and behaviors. I did not have a healthy perspective on my self-worth nor my part in the insanity that was ensuing in my family life. I had checked out on being a parent and wife on many levels, and it led to an ever-increasing weight of guilt and shame.
It was easy for me to place the blame for my misery on others and to never see my part in the mess I had made of my life. As I hit my bottom, I was given the gift of willingness, and it led me to you all, and the doors of my local A.A. fellowship. It was then that the fog lifted, and I was given a new start at life.
As I began to shut up and listen, get a sponsor, do the steps, get involved in service, and practice prayer and meditation, I began to see the real picture. This picture is being revealed to me daily as I am only just beginning to see what humility and responsibility even look like. I am starting to realize that I am not worthless, nor am I the queen of everything.
I am stepping up and doing what is right and just when I am able to, and when I cannot, I learn from my mistakes. I sincerely mean it when I pray each morning for right thoughts and action, for God's will to be done, for me to be of use to my fellow man, and to be willing to admit my wrongs and make them right. I am not a saint!! But baby steps of progress are occurring and I am so grateful that I have been given a second chance at life.
So, my question for you is: How do you practice these two things in your life? What do these paragraphs mean to you? You can also share on anything that is on your mind this week.
March 8 : Gratitude
Today I celebrate 28 years of sobriety. I am somewhat new to GROW since only finding out about GROW last December. Reading your shares every day and listening to your experience strength and hope has helped me keep things in perspective lately since I have been crazy busy the last year with work and being in an MA program. I fall very quickly into self and negative thinking if I don't work my program and get to meetings.
I wasn't really sure I was an alcoholic at first but knew I could not stop drinking. I believe my drink found my friends for me back then as I wanted to drink to get drunk and basically check out as much as possible through drink. Back then if you didn't drink like I did or wanted to drink like I did I thought you were boring, weird or there was something not right about you. I came into the rooms on March 7th, 1987, and I did not plan to get sober or stay in AA. I just wanted help to drink like a normal person (not blackout, not end up with people I didn't want to be with the next day after drinking all night, not miss school due to drinking!|)
My Higher Power had other plans, and the meeting I walked in on March 8th, 28 years ago, was the beginning of my journey in sobriety. Well I didn't really want to stop drinking all those years ago but I did want to learn how to "curtail" my drinking. I started hearing peoples' stories in AA after going to meetings to try and learn how to be a normal drinker, and then I heard how peoples' lives were so much better being sober.
I started to take suggestions from people who had some time in AA, and I did almost everything these crazy old timers in AA told me to do !'d pick up cups, wash up, greet at meetings, take on commitments, 90 in 90, read the book, talk to newcomers with less time than me and so on. They kept telling me to "keep coming back" one day at a time. It wasn't too long that I got a sponsor and she walked me through the steps of AA.
For me I know in my heart that sobriety gives me amazing choices and opportunities in life that I would not have if I was drinking. Today I have hope and faith. And if on occasion things happen which are out of my control, I know from experience in AA that "this too shall pass."
AA birthdays always give me an opportunity to reflect on my sober journey and express some gratitude for a new life (and an even better one than I could have imagined). Today I certainly don't worry about hangovers, blacking out, or waking up with someone I don't know or care to be with because of my drinking. I haven't had the opportunity to get to any f2f meetings this week due to being out of town for work, so this fellowship online has been my saving grace. Look forward to shares on the topic of "Gratitude."
Just want to finish my share with my favourite reading from the Big Book of AA, "Keys of the Kingdom," page 276:
"The last fifteen years of my life have been rich and meaningful. I have had my share of problems, heartaches, and disappointments because that is life, but also I have known a great deal of joy and a peace that is the handmaiden of an inner freedom. I have a wealth of friends and, with my A.A. friends, an unusual quality of fellowship. For, to these people, I am truly related. First, through mutual pain and despair, and later through mutual objectives and new-found faith and hope. And, as the years go by, working together, sharing our experiences with one another, and also sharing a mutual trust, understanding, and love - without strings, without obligation - we acquire relationships that are unique and priceless.
"There is no more aloneness, with that awful ache, so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing, before, could ever reach it. That ache is gone and never need return again.
"Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the Keys of the Kingdom."
March 1 : Daily inventory
For today's topic, I have chosen the powerful words about prayer and meditation in Step 10 of Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pp. 89-90. These paragraphs point to the need for daily inventories which they call an accurate self-appraisal and how self-examination is necessary to stop judging other folks.
The section asks if these practices are not "joy killers." The answer is not really, that once the habit of a self-appraisal becomes grooved, it is "interesting and profitable and the time it takes won't be missed."
Though this is only the 3rd and not the 10th month of the year, Step 10 has always been the key step in my sober life, so I am showcasing the information for this meeting. I am sober more than 30 years, but I still get caught up in what other people are doing and thinking: even though AA tells me I don't have to please everyone, I still want to. And all the literature tells me that in some fashion I must do God's will, and I will probably know it is His will if I have ease and comfort.
On page 90, it tells us "it is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us." It asks "is there no exception to this?" And the answer is our so-called "justifiable anger is better left to those qualified to handle it."
The spot check inventory is aimed at or daily ups and downs, especially when people or events can throw us off balance. And the book underscores the development of self-restraint since "when we speak or act hastily our ability to be fair-minded evaporates on the spot."
Recently I moved into an assisted living facility because there were many issues at the apartment house where I had lived for the last four years. As fate would have it, I face new and more difficult challenges here: I am trying to be reasonable every time something difficult happens, and I am growing constantly. Not only does my age make it harder to change and do it with good humor, but my lifetime featuring the freedom and happiness I am used to makes me balk at letting others make decisions for me. I am not the spiritually sound person I would like to be, but I try to apply these principles on an ongoing basis.
Now, I would like to hear from you about how you utilize the principles outlined here to seek solutions to the unhappiness caused by people, places, and things in your life. For me the program works both in face-to-face and online meetings, and the words, in my humble opinion, are straight from GOD. Ladies, the floor is now open for sharing.
February 22 : The Victory of Surrender
For our topic this week I chose a reading from the Daily Reflections Book on page 14: "The Victory of Surrender". This quote is from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions p.21: "We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built."
I would like to examine how utter defeat and personal powerlessness leads to victory. When I came into AA, I was and still am personally powerless over alcohol. For years while drinking, I had tried to control my drinking on my own through self-will. I tried switching from beer to wine; I tried white knuckling it; I tried vitamins, exercise, self-help. All these failed. My life was a mess and I was completely defeated.
I realized I couldn't get sober alone. I needed AA and all of you and a God of my understanding. I needed something to lean on besides myself. Admitting my personal powerlessness and joining AA allowed me to find a God and deepen that relationship and for that I am so grateful.
Today I depend on AA and our meetings and the fellowship and God to keep me sober. And I am glad that I had to reach rock bottom to get to that point. Otherwise I'd still be trying to do it on my own.
Please share your experience, strength and hope with us on how you came to realize your personal powerlessness over alcohol and how that led to new strength and new life. Feel free to share on whatever else you need to discuss as well.
February 15 : Practice these Principles in all our Affairs
"Having had a spiritual awakening, as a results of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs."
I am focusing on the last part of Step 12, as this is something that I try to do daily. I wasn't able to do this part in early sobriety because I didn't understand it all. What a relief that working these steps can give me a daily reprieve for not only my alcoholism, but from life itself.
Practicing these principles has allowed me to gain relief in times that are challenging and just be a more productive and positive human being in good/all times. It gives me a blue print for life and dealing with life on life's terms.
I have health and other challenges. I am recovering from a surgery (my third one in a nine-month period), and I have been able to stay sober through all its challenges by simply practicing these principles in all my affairs.
Here's one last note that just tickles me pink: Because of Alcoholics Anonymous, we have other 12 step programs for almost anything that challenges you. I am a member of a number of other programs. They have enabled me to enhance my AA program because using 12 step programs on the things that challenge me (outside of my alcoholism) has afforded me steps to take for these other challenges. What a gift!!
With that being said, AA is and will always be my primary fellowship! The others just enhance my ability to clean house completely and to in-depth practice AA/these principles in all my affairs. I hope that made sense without breaking traditions! I wish I could express myself in written form as well as spell well, smiles.
So, I would love to hear how you "Practice these principles in all 'your' affairs" or anything else 12 step AA related that is on your heart today.
February 8 : Emotional Balance
And let's always remember that meditation in reality is intensely practical. One of its first fruits is emotional balance. With it we can broaden and deepen the channel between ourselves and God as we understand him. (12x12, 101-102)
Although I pray in the morning and evening, I don't often take time for meditation. I'm in the middle of a big move and find myself thinking: I don't have the time for meditation. My old thinking says, if I'm not wandering around my apartment doing stuff or worrying about the stuff I'm not currently doing I'm wasting my time. I'm sitting "like a bump on a log," as my grandma used to say.
Then I came across the quote above from the 12x12. My current state of mind says that meditation is not practical. Before I moved into this period of concentrated stress, I was pretty pleased with myself in terms of "constant contact" with my HP. My routine included morning prayers, sitting down to check in with myself throughout the day, evening prayers and a Tenth Step review.
Now, when I sit down my heart is pounding and my mind is racing. I am not emotionally balanced. So ... I'm re-prioritizing meditation. And I hope to hear from all of you on this topic (or another topic of your choosing). What do you do in times of stress to keep up your constant contact? How do you practice constant contact with your HP? Do you have a story to share about one time when turning to prayer/meditation really did help to bring you into emotional balance?
February 1 : "Tolerance Keeps Us Sober"
"Honesty with ourselves and others gets us sober, but it is tolerance that keeps us that way.
"Experience shows that few alcoholics will long stay away from a group just because they don't like the way it is run. Most return and adjust themselves to whatever conditions they must. Some go to a different group, or form a new one.
"In other words, once an alcoholic fully realizes that he cannot get well alone, he will somehow find a way to get well and stay well in the company of others. It has been that way from the beginning of A.A. and probably will be so."
LETTER, 1943
From "As Bill Sees It" page 312
I liked this reading and hope you do too. Honesty and tolerance - mmmm - always thought that I practiced those principles, but I've come to realize more and more that I haven't been honest and tolerant all of the time - even in sobriety. I thought I was a pretty tolerant person, but really, I can be and have been selfish, self-centered, and impatient! This made my life unmanageable, and it really made others around me miserable - like my husband, children, co-workers, sponsors, friends, and other family members.
Through working the Steps (haven't gone through all of them yet), going to meetings (f2f and online), lots of praying to the God of my understanding, working with other alcoholics, and working with a therapist, I've been able to change - to grow - and become the honest and tolerant woman that my higher power wants me to be.
I know that I cannot do this alone. I have missed meetings, because I don't feel like going, and my disease tells me that I don't need to go. Every time this happens, I feel like I am "okay" for a little while, and then the restlessness, irritability and discontent starts to creep back into my mind. Some of my old patterns of thinking and behaving start to come back.
I really need you ladies and other women in A.A. to keep me on the beam. I can do all of the exercising and yoga that I want, but it really comes down to the AA meetings - hearing other alcoholics and identifying with them. I have had to change my meetings, and I did form a new one. Many of you know that I only attend women's meetings due to the fact that I had an affair with a man in AA. My husband and I continue to re-build our marriage, and I am still trying to gain all of his trust back. I also started up a new women's meeting in the town that I live - a Big Book meeting which I chair.
If I isolate, it will not be good! I love that these meetings are 24/7. I try to attend at least 2-3 f2f meetings. I'm still trying to get better at picking up the phone and calling another woman in AA. Usually it's texting :) Anyways, I hope that you beautiful ladies got something out of this share! I am very grateful to be a part of GROW - I don't always write a share, but I do read your shares!
January 25 : Second Thought & First Action
Recently I've had occasion to attend a speaker meeting on Saturday that is usually way too early for this still-working woman, and the last two times I came away with really wonderful new takes on old topics.
Yesterday's take-away was the statement, "I'm responsible for my second thought and my first action." That homed right into my little brain. I've religiously practiced "restraint of tongue, pen, and keyboard" since being introduced to the concept. In sobriety I learned that my first thought is usually a negative and judgmental one; plus it is almost always "wrong". I joke that I have a corkscrew ear-canal so that when someone says "Good morning, Mari Ann!" by the time it reaches my brain it has become "Drop dead, Mari Ann and do it now!"
Sobriety has taught me to double-check what I think I hear, refrain from acting on it, and wait for sober thinking to kick in. I've resigned myself to having that alcoholic brain without chastising myself for it anymore but liked the new angle put on it by yesterday's speaker. I am responsible for my second thought - and my first action. It is the best little description of living a sober life to me.
This new way of living a sober, conscious life, with considerations for others inherent in its actions, has not only saved my sobriety; it has also allowed me to save myself a lot of embarrassment at shooting from the lip, and the consequent 10th Step amends that caused. It makes my sober world a much kinder one than my pre-sober one. It enables me to live the principles of this program in all my affairs.
I am so grateful I get to go to meetings so I get to hear such practical wisdom - and continue growing in sobriety. Thank you for allowing me to chair this week. You have helped me stay sober today and I hope the notion that we are responsible for our second thought and first action is helpful to your sobriety.
January 18: Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.
One of the biggest reasons I drank (first because I liked the taste) but more importantly because I had a bad attitude and outlook on life in general. Work, family, friends, finances - you name it and I could find some fault with it somehow, someway. When I drank, I could change that attitude and outlook by thinking that I could change people, places, and things. What I found out as my drinking progressed was that family especially didn't like my attitude and outlook on things. My friends (really only my drinking buddies) felt the same way as I did most of the time, but didn't want to change anything so then I was not in agreement with them and my outlook on them wasn't very good.
One night I had been celebrating my 61st birthday (as I had been for six days) and was talking to my youngest daughter on the phone, and she asked me if I had been drinking. I said yes I had had a couple, and she than informed me they would have nothing to do with me until I quit drinking and hung up on me. I was devastated and 2 hrs later called her back and said "I need help and don't know what to do."
Needless to say she got me into rehab. I was in an awesome rehab for 13 days, and they felt I was ready to come home. One of the things I learned in rehab, amongst many, was I had a bad attitude and outlook on life. I was making my life miserable myself due to this, and thus turned to alcohol to make me feel good. I took all their suggestions at rehab and started going to AA meetings 6 days a week and online to GROW every day. It was through the shares of everyone at the meetings and you ladies that I realized how I needed to change so many things in my attitude and outlook.
This promise has definitely come true for me in so many ways. I realize today that it is not all about Carol and what I think. It is about helping newcomers and people outside of the program. Helping people who maybe don't have it as good as I do. It's about doing service work in my homegroup. It's about not being judgmental of other people, places and things. I struggle with why everyone that comes too AA cannot get it and why they have too relapse but today I so understand that everyone has to hit their own bottom and I can only be there for them if they need me and pray for them. It is in God's hands not mine. I feel so blessed that God (my higher power) holds my hand and walks with me every day. Thank you ladies for all you have given me through your shares and friendship as my attitude and outlook on life today is how God wants me to see it.
January 11 : Guilt, Shame and Self-talk
I celebrated four years of sobriety on the 1st of this month, and with my birthday came the usual mixture of sadness and gratitude. On and around my birthdays, my thoughts travel back to where I was and what I was doing at that time four years ago. My addiction to alcohol and other substances started when my daughter was about 18 months old, trying to self-medicate excruciating depression and insomnia. I was not a stellar parent up to that point, distracted by my emotional pain and also physical illness that I struggled with for the first year of her life.
Once I started using mind-altering substances, I was just checked out all of the time. I got off of drugs and alcohol from March through November 2009, but during that period of abstinence, I merely replaced substances with other alcoholic behavior. Long story short, my collapsing marriage came to an end, I relapsed, got fired and ended up back in rehab where I finally surrendered and embraced the program of AA. Today, I have my life back and so much more than I've ever had before.
Yet, I am still frequently plagued with guilt and fear. Much of it is surrounding my daughter, who is now eight years old. My disease often tells me that I have not been a good enough parent and never will be. I am afraid that this will happen and that will happen and she will turn out an alcoholic and blah, blah, blah.
This morning I read a quote from a women's meditation book that said “It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security.” I know that I suffer from a disease that has no cure, but with daily maintenance I get a reprieve and day by day, a bit of healing can take place. I have come this far, and I have overcome tremendous obstacles by putting one foot in front of the other. With the support of this program and faith in my higher power, I continue to move forward and eat elephants, one bite at a time. I believe that I have it within me to overcome these feelings of guilt and fear, but so far I haven't found a solution.
This week, I would like to present the topic of self-talk and combatting guilt and shame. How to stop unconsciously giving yourself negative messages. How do you combat this? Does it ever go away completely?
Please share your experience, strength and hope on this topic, or share whatever you need to share this week. Thank you so much!
January 4 : "The principles we have set down are guides to progress"
The topic I'm interested in hearing discussed comes from "How it Works." In my area, this part is read at the beginning of every meeting, just as it is reproduced on GROW at the beginning of every meeting. The sentence comes near the end of the section we read:
We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Because I've been around the block for several 24 hours, and sat in many a meeting, I can find myself not paying a lot of attention at the beginning of the meeting. So when I realize that's what's going on, I pause, and I challenge myself to focus on what's being read. I've noticed that some folks read along with the reader in their big book (or often in my case, on my phone or tablet!)
And what sometimes happens is that a phrase or something will jump off the page at me. Yes, I've read it before and heard in before but gosh, there are times when something just grabs my attention. That happened this past week with the sentence.
And I started wondering, just how are the principles guides to my spiritual progress? (I ask that because the next sentence says "We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.")