Weekly Topics - July - December 2014
December 28 : My Magnifying Mind
It is amazing to me that I have been able to stay sober one minute/ one day/ one week/ one year/ etc and, I KNOW that it's not me doing it. I have learned in this AA Program and from you recovering women how to allow a Power greater than myself to work in my life and guide my actions, words and thoughts (most of the time). God is my Higher Power and He works through you, your shares, the AA Big Book, the Steps, all of the things that make this AA Program what it is.
Before I got sober, my life was a rollercoaster of men, marriages and divorces, geographic cures, blaming and suffering, one upheaval after another, having abandoned my morals/standards/dignity, ... after the "umteenth" divorce, I was in soooo much emotional pain that I went to a counselor who insisted that I stay "chemically free" (no alcohol, pills, etc) as we worked together. After about one week without alcohol, as I was sharing my justifiable anger about my life/pain/etc, she suggested that I go to an AA meeting. I was shocked and bewildered and figured I needed to find another counselor.
But I went to the meeting that she suggested. It was a Step Study and the topic was Step 12 (what a coincidence!) ~ "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs." I sat and listened to those recovering folks share about how they quit drinking and worked this Program and the miracles they had experienced and how their lives had changed for the better. That was the beginning of the most amazing and wonderful adventure I could have ever hoped for ~ sobriety in this AA Program. Today, I generally like the woman I have become and I am more open to allowing God to do what He needs to do so that I can be who He would have me be. (He's not finished with me yet!) Thank you, God.
As a topic I'd like to offer some passages from the Big Book, Dr. Paul's chapter "Acceptance Was The Answer" (p 407-). He describes, "It was as if I had, rather than a Midas touch which turned everything to gold, a magnifying mind that magnified whatever it focused on. ... If I focus on a problem the problem increases; if I focus on the answer, the answer increases... the best thing of all for me is to remember that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations ... I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance..."
This guidance is so helpful to me because my own "magnifying mind" can blow any issue or problem way out of proportion and I end up with "contagious misery" (I share it with anyone around me). The more I focus on the answer (i.e. the principles and steps and slogans of this Program), the more serenity I have in my life. And, for that I'm deeply grateful. Thank you for the opportunity to share.
Please share on anything I have discussed or however you feel led. Thanks.
December 21 : Step 12 & Tradition 12
The steps are our blueprint for living sober lives. The traditions are what guide most AA groups. The traditions certainly inform our group conscience decisions and the original structure for GROW. We look forward to your shares.
Step 12 : "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."
This step is listed in Chapter 5, How it Works, from the book, Alcoholics Anonymous(affectionately known as the Big Book) (see p. 60). There's more in Chapter 7 (Working with Others), starting on p. 89, which is all about the 12th step. There's even more about it in the book, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.
Tradition 12 : "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."
This tradition is listed in one of the appendixes in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous(see p. 562). There's more in The Long Form; Tradition 12 starts at the bottom of p. 565 (in the 4th edition):
"And finally, we of Alcoholics Anonymous believe that the principle of anonymity has an immense spiritual significance. It reminds us that we are to place principles before personalities; that we are actually to practice a genuine humility This is to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him who presides over us all."
There's more about it in the book, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. You can find the books "Alcoholics Anonymous" and "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" at many f2f AA meetings; you can order them online from many places.
December 14 : Tools for Living a Sober Life
I came in the doors of AA frightened and knowing that if I took another drink, I would die. I had heard that AA did not work for many, and that was one of my fears. My brain was constantly racing, and it could not stay still. I found myself unemployed for the first time in my life from a carrier that I loved and alone because my husband had gotten tired and left. The holidays were coming up and after a terrible Thanksgiving and, coming from a family of drinkers, I was feeling hopeless.
When I attended the meetings during the first couple of weeks, I could not hear or understand what you were reading. The only thing that I got out of the meetings was the Serenity Prayer and The Third Step Prayer which I thought were awesome and stuck to me fast. I began using the tools that the program provides.
I did what I was told to do and I got a sponsor at my second meeting and began 90/90. I was told to read the Big Book, The Little Red Book, A Woman's Way Through the Twelve Steps, and the Bible. After my first month, my brain started to listen to the slogans said at the meetings. By then, I was beginning to understand what you were reading. I still have some trouble with memorization, but it has gotten better.
My life has changed through the years using the tools I learn from you. I live peace most of the time; I do not desire a drink; and I have a great relationship with my HP. I am fortunate to be able to attend mass most days, I've learned that my children have to go through their own process in life.
I truly believe I am the product of a Miracle: I was given a second chance at life. The promises are being fulfilled in my life sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. I'm a work in progress and still need much support.
Please share what tools you uses and how they help you live a sober life or anything else you wish.
December 7 : Turning Points
"If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort." Pages 25-26 Big Book
"Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon." Page 59 Big Book
These two passages say a lot to me, and this past week I have been reflecting on my journey. I find it amazing to see the change from where I was and where I am today.
I find for me many "turning points" (even in sobriety) and through the twists and turns having a grateful heart turns the impossible into possible.
But how to have a grateful heart in the midst of a storm, when your world feels like it is falling apart? For me, I use a gratitude list of that which I am not grateful for and apply an AA principle to that which I face. I will be honest. I used to find gratitude lists as lame. I thought them weak and literally busy work given to me by my sponsor, however, quite the opposite.
In my story, my back has been against the wall many times, and when it is, I write that gratitude list and face that fear head on. I learned through your wisdom to find a grateful heart in the midst of storms.
I do not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it because it has made me who I am today. I do not know what tomorrow brings, and it is ok.
So dear sisters, on this journey of life, how did you face your turning points in life? What wisdom did you find facing those storms?
Please share your experience, your strength, and your hope.
For me when I share my story, I am reminded of Bill and Dr. Bob's first encounter. We do not know when we share that the words we share may be those words that help another; however, more importantly, they may be the words we need to hear ourselves.
November 30 : The Holiday Season
I recall a women's meeting here last year- - - - the topic was "Insanity during the holidays"! As the sharing went around the room I found myself getting more and more "down"! Practically everyone was having a difficult time with the drama of the holidays, and it was definitely "catching"!
When it came my time to share - - -I took a deep breath (to unload any negativity), prayed for guidance, and what came out was the following:
This year I REFUSE to buy into the insanity of the holidays!!! I did this the first few years into sobriety - - -and, as a result, didn't look forward to them and had many unnecessary fears about drinking. I came into this Program to learn how to live life in a happy, joyous and free manner without the necessity of anything mind-altering ! And when I stay in the "problem" I have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, and that leaves me with no foot to plant in the NOW! I prefer to look at "problems" as "opportunities for growth" and quickly get into the solution - - -rather than remaining in my "stuff" and treading water! Borrrrrrrrrrrrring!
Today I have ABSOLUTELY NO REASON OR EXCUSE to remain in any negative "stuff"! After all, haven't I learned in this Program how to bring up, take a look at, unload the past, and get on with my life? Isn't that what this is all about?
The tools are all here - - - -the path is laid out before me if I but just follow it in the suggested manner! It's ALL right in front of my nose! All I have to do is DO IT! You've heard me before: IT WORKS WHEN I WORK IT, and it doesn't when I don't!!! Half measures availed me NOTHING!!! (And believe me, I tried!!!)
At the top of my priority list is to get and remain in CONSTANT contact with my Higher Power, praying for guidance all the way! I go to more meetings and remain in contact with a couple of recovering sisters on a daily basis.
Today I have the choice of enjoying life, or the alternative !
THIS IS FOR LIFE - - - -THIS IS MY LIFE - RIGHT NOW - RIGHT HERE!
and/or
This is a test. It is only a test. Had this been a real life you would have been instructed where to go and what to do. I believe this is a reminder not to take life so seriously. It will ALL pass!!! Might as well enjoy the ride - - -for it isn't too long at all!!!
*****
HAVE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY SEASON! We certainly have lots to be grateful for this year! We are sober!!!
I look forward to your shares on how you plan to put this Program to use and enjoy your holidays! Any little tips that might be helpful to our newcomers and/or others who are suffering are greatly appreciated!!! For you sisters who have a couple of holiday seasons under your belt, let's show our newcomers what this Program is all about.
ACCEPTING AND ENJOYING WHAT IS! I hope you all are, too! / why not?
November 23 : Hope
When I came to the rooms of AA, I was bereft of hope and I didn't even know it. I was numb and confused, and I wanted someone to save me. I had no idea what was in store for me or what my future held. I went to AA at the suggestion of a physician. I stayed because I sensed that the men and women in the rooms felt as I had always wanted to feel. They laughed easily and hugged often. They listened to one another intently. They seemed to truly care. In short, they had something I wanted so I stayed.
Since that time, I have discovered "what they had" was the awesome power of hope. Hope is the ability to push past our fears and open our minds to new possibilities. It's the ability to see opportunity in even the most challenging life experience, knowing each challenge brings us to a new level of understanding of our life's journey. Hope is inspiring. It gives us the motivation for living and learning. Hope gives to us even when we have little or nothing left. It is one of the most precious gifts we have in recovery.
The more I trust that my Higher Power will always do for me that which I can't do for myself, the less anxious I feel. I know I have been prepared for whatever appears next on my journey. Nothing happens that hasn't been divinely ordained. Our lives are never hopeless. We are in the right place, at the right time, walking with the people who are necessary to our journey. And our Higher Power is and always has been present, even when we feel we have been forgotten. Because of this program, I now trust that even in the darkest and coldest times, there is a warm and glowing ray of hope and faith all around us.
This week I would like to hear your thoughts about hope. Do you consider yourself hopeful? What do you see as the evidence of the presence of hope or its lack? How has hope enabled you to move forward in your life? You are also welcome to share on anything else you need to share on. Thank you for the opportunity to serve this week as the chair for the weekly meeting. My wish for each of you is that you may always have hope in your life. "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without words and never stops, at all."
November 16 : 10th Step Promises
I hear *The Promises* read at a lot of the meetings that I attend, and I can remember thinking to myself early on that these things would never come true for me. But in time and with work they did, and as it says "they will always materialize if we work for them." However when the 10th step promises were first pointed out to me I found real honest to God hope for my future. I have that new attitude towards liquor that it talks about, and it was given to me without any thought or effort on my part.
If you will, this week, I would like to hear which of the 10th step promises means the most to you... Of course, if you need to share on some hidden pain that the promises bring out please do that. I didn't realize until I had been here for a while that the hope given to me by *ALL* the promises throughout our Big Book opened up that morass of self-loathing in me and let it out into the sunshine of the spirit.
The 10th Step Promises
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality,safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
November 9 : Getting Rid of Old Ideas
The topic for today is "Getting Rid of Old Ideas" from Living Sober, pp. 71-72, and follows that Chapter 5 admonition: "Some of us had to get rid of our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."
The passage makes these points: the ideas that got so deeply embedded in our lives during drinking do not disappear quickly as if by magic the moment we start putting the plug in the jug.
Our days of "Sweet Adeline" may be gone but the malady lingers on; we new find it therapeutic to nip off many old ideas that sprout up again and they do over and over. We try to achieve a feeling of being relaxed, free from the bonds of our thinking and we measure whether a thought is useful against a specific standard.
We can tell ourselves this is what I used to think when drinking; does that kind of thought help me stay sober and is it good enough for me today as I live this new exciting sober lifestyle?
One of my old ideas is that it's OK to let people criticize and disrespect me, one more manifestation of my too big ego whether inferior or superior. For years now, I have been standing up for myself and refusing to take the victim role or prey to bullying. It is never easy, but I can no longer be content as a doormat.
Setting boundaries is equally difficult. My oldest son always assumed I would do his laundry and also take care of paying for the food he eats while he is my guest. Without asking he stores items in my closets.
Recently, I said to him he can pay for his food, and gradually take home all of the things he stores here for convenience. I do not have space for much other than my own things. It feels awful but it is the right thing for me to do.
How are you doing replacing old ideas with fresh ones, old behavior with new actions? Did you notice that relationships with family and friends have improved since you applied changes?
Are you at first uncomfortable with new behavior, since they feel like stiff new clothes, tighter and smaller and we should be able to relax and wear sloppy, old, torn garments we are used to wearing.. Has it been the best thing eventually to become accustomed to the new clothing/behavior?
November 2 : "More Than Comfort"- A reading from As Bill Sees It
I really didn't know what topic to write about to be honest. I've been in a very bad emotional state- I guess you can call it an "emotional hangover." I've been so unhappy- my depression and anxiety have been in full force. I've also been sponsoring myself and have been afraid to ask anyone to be my sponsor. I've gone through so many sponsors, that now I have been extra cautious about choosing the "right" one. Sounds crazy, I know. I also haven't been really working the steps and only going to two meetings a week. My disease is telling me that two meetings is enough. In the meantime, I've been so malcontent. Last night I wanted to go to the store and buy alcohol. I also realized that I do not know how to ask for help nor do I want to always ask for help. I feel "stuck" even though I am praying every day to my Higher Power for guidance.
Tonight I took action. I called a woman who had offered to be my temporary sponsor. She is an older lady, very spiritual, and I love her dearly. I reached out for help and asked her to be my temporary sponsor. I feel so much better- lighter, and I feel myself recovering from the "emotional hangover". It's difficult for me to put my thoughts on "paper", so I hope that I am making sense.
From As Bill Sees It: More than Comfort p. 148
"When I am feeling depressed, I repeat to myself statements such as these: "Pain is the touchstone of progress." ..."Fear no evil."... "This, too, will pass."... "This experience can be turned to benefit."
"These fragments of prayer bring far more than mere comfort. They keep me on the track of right acceptance; they break up my compulsive themes of guilt, depression, rebellion, and pride; and sometimes they endow me with the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
--Grapevine, March 1962
This reading is a good reminder for me! It's a reminder for me how important it is to pray and do the footwork. To accept that I am powerless over people, places, and things, and that I can only change myself. It's so easy for me to get stuck in those feelings of guilt, depression, rebellion, and pride. When I allow these feelings to take over and overwhelm me, I feel hopeless and full of fear. That's when I want to run away and drink, because that's what I've always done. So I need to ask for help, work the steps, talk to other alcoholics and go to meetings. I can't do this alone- I have tried, and it doesn't work! I need you ladies, other women in the program and my Higher Power who I call God to help me stay physically and emotionally sober.
Thank you dear ladies. How do you deal with lack of emotional sobriety? What are your thoughts on the reading from As Bill Sees It? Please feel free to share on this topic or whatever else is on your mind.
October 26 : Negative Self-talk
It is said that we alcoholics are "egomaniacs with inferiority complexes." Often, I stay so stuck in the "inferiority complex" that I can't seem to crawl out from under it. I do recognize that even feeling inferior to everybody else is very "self"-driven and therefore could also qualifies me as an "egomaniac."
As a child, my parents raised me to aspire to only "girl" goals and always be subservient to others. My mom used to frequently tell me that when I set a dinner table and there is a glass with a chip in it, I am to take that chipped glass. A very simple etiquette rule that I took way too far into how I perceived my worthiness in all areas of my life.
My ideas, my wants, my opinions are all inferior if they do match "yours." And I find myself going way overboard in trying to please others that I am so full of resentment when others don't make as great an effort to please me. What's worse is I probably wouldn't accept anything from others without feeling like I have to pay them back with twice the kindness. Does any of this make sense? I hope at least some of you can relate.
What I would love to hear is some magic solution that can completely change my thinking about my worthiness compared to others.
I once had a man in my treatment group suggest "... that if I could only sit myself on the other side off the room and speak to me as I speak to others, I would be a great deal kinder to me." Very powerful stuff! I often think of that man and his words when I'm feeling down on myself; however, it never quiets the distorted and self-effacing chatter in my head. How do I turn it off!?!? Thank you, Ladies, for being here for me and each other.
I rarely feel like a freak because of my thoughts and feelings when I'm in the presence of Alcoholics Anonymous . especially the women in this program.
October 19 : Holy Days and Holidaze
One slushy, winter day, in the bumpy days just after New Year's Eve - when I had been sober, thankfully - I stopped into a cafe for a coffee and met a friend there. He asked how I was doing so instead of saying "Great!" which wasn't true, I decided to be honest, "Well, you know how it is - the winter and holidays are just bringing me down." He said something that surprised me, "Sorry you feel that way. But - No, I don't know how it feels. This kind of weather energizes me and I love nothing more than the holidays." I was happy for him, but more used to hearing people grump along with me. Maybe a lot of us critters just like a chance to get a complaint in, any complaint, just to be sure to fill that day's quota. ;)
Truth is, winter IS hard on my system. Not only with diagnosed bipolar depression which worsens in winter with a layer of seasonal affective depression on top of it, too, just to cover all bases, but also as an alcoholic, it is a notoriously tricky time for me. I've been sober through many, many holidays so I am no longer bothered by being the only one not lifting champagne at New Year's Eve (mineral water is just fine), and everyone knows me well enough to know I basically don't drink (not everyone knows about the relapses; I don't talk alcoholism with most people, they just know I am not a drinker). So it is not the "not joining in" bit that bothers me; when I have relapsed in winter it was always on my own and secretly. I have been in psych hospital 10 times in my 50-odd years (and believe me, they were very ODD years!), and ALL of those inauspicious occasions have been on this or that day in November to late March. I have spent 3 Christmas Days on a ward. Not the best record. Other years I've come through with flying colours.
So since I have a lot of experience of doing skillful and not so skillful things to make my way through a notoriously hard part of year for me - and which I know from lots of other people is hard for them too - I thought it might be interesting to suggest a topic this week that circulates around:
a) do you find yourself projecting in negative ways as the holidaze descend and the nights get colder and draw in? When you catch yourself doing that, do you have a tool (or 2 or 3) for changing that decline from down back up to a reasonable level of mood?
b) how do we feel as the holidays approach in terms of our sobriety, i.e., an experienced sober woman may not be especially concerned about the alcohol part (but may be worried about illness or loneliness) while a newcomer may be all shaky inside wondering if they will be able to "make it" over a heavily boozy holiday period without picking up. We need to live in today, but AA also tells us to make sensible plans, so as the Chocolate Santas and Advent Calendars start being stocked up on the shelves in stores all over Gotham City, have you started making plans as to how you will handle the holiday season sober? Do any of you more long-term sober ladies have ideas as to how newcomers can approach the boozy season without relapse?
It may seem a tad early to get into this subject, but for some of us Halloween parties are just around the corner and it only just starts. Many of us have already started preparing menus and making seasonal decorations. The heat is on! Or is it?
Heaven knows the TV and mags are going to bombard us with glamourous, glitzy perfect people and ideal families celebrating perfect parties and ideal dinners in perfect houses in ideal worlds. The rest of us, even beauties, look pretty shabby compared to them. But then, that is fantasy and we are real, and in sobriety we have the wonderful opportunity to step back and say, no, I am not going to be pushed around by false values any more. I'm going to do the best I can with what I have, and that will be good enough.
That is one of my tools - keep my goals realistic. FEAR is False Expectations About Reality, and I can get in a very fearful, anxious state of mind as I plan my part in the holidays and start preparations. Keep it simple. These days my holidays are far from Martha Stewart. Also, I have learned the art of saying "No" to any invitations that I don't feel comfortable about or to any task I feel put me "over the limit" of my tolerance. Just briefly, other things that help ***me*** stay well include daily devotional study and yoga, nutritional foods and not junk; daily outside exercise no matter the weather, or if impossible, exercise by a sunny window; use my SAD light; good sleep; stay away from negative people as much as possible; journal; take medication as prescribed; stay close to AA in every way, throughout the day.
I'm very interested in anything you all have to say about staying sane and sober over winter, both through the holidays and after them. Any tips? Please be as practical as you can be and any anecdotal experiences of your success would be a plus.
As always, if you need to talk about something else, please do so.
October 12 : Gratitude
I was at a women's meeting this morning and was quite moved by the reading and the opening share. Before going to the meeting, I really didn't know what I was going to share on for this week - honestly! The topics are always so amazing, and I feel like sometimes I don't have a "good enough" topic. Ok - I admit, I sound like I'm getting into that self-centered, "reverse pride" mode - LOL! Anyhow, the reading and share at the particular meeting that I was at made me think about how much I have to be grateful for, and how easy it was, and sometimes still is, to take my sobriety for granted.
My sobriety is truly a gift. We really are the lucky ones - I have heard that lots of times at meetings. There was a woman who went to outpatient treatment with me in 2012, and I just found out today that she can't stop drinking. She is supposedly going to an inpatient treatment center. Thanks to my Higher Power who I call God, the A.A. program, and amazing sober women like you ladies, I celebrated 18 months of sobriety. I have worked the Steps up to Step 10, and then I was let go by my sponsor. I am grateful for all of the sponsors that I have had since 2008 - each one of them has guided me and taught me something. For whatever reason, I have had multiple one night relapses along the way. By the grace of God, I have been able to come back to A.A. the next day. I am so grateful that I truly believe now and have fully accepted that I am an alcoholic. I know that if I were to pick up a drink again, I would lose everything! And there is no guarantee that I would be able to come back to A.A.
In order for me to stay sober, I need to change my thinking and behaviors. I am such a slow learner ladies! I go along and do the footwork, do the next right thing - and then I get anxious, overwhelmed, and overcome with fear and self-centeredness. This is dangerous, because I start to take my own will back, and that is when I am most vulnerable to pick up a drink.
This is a program of action, honesty and willingness. I am still looking for the "right" sponsor - one who is spiritual. I'm trying to be open and willing, and I keep praying to God for the right sponsor to come into my life. I am grateful that I have a few ladies that I can call on for guidance and several lady friends in the program!
I am so grateful for this precious gift of sobriety. I never want to take it for granted ever again! I have a disease that tells me that I don't have a disease! I am grateful that it's progress not perfection! I am grateful that I don't want to drink. I am grateful for all of you.
October 5 : "Try not to live in the wreckage of the FUTURE"
When I meditated on trying to figure out a great topic for this week, I was fortunate to be in a meeting at just the right time to hear just the right phrase that really saved me for that day - something that I use to help myself on a daily basis now. I thought that I would share with you all.
That phrase was "try not to live in the wreckage of the future." We've all heard the phrase "try not to live in the wreckage of the past," and through doing the steps - especially four and five and eight and nine, we get the ninth step promises. Or at least this alcoholic was able to.
However, 22 years or not, I am still human and still have challenges with dealing with "Just for today." I am an admitted "projector." And with everything that I am going through ... even tho my last two surgeries were more successful than the surgeons predicted, I still can "catastrophize" anything.
This surgery that I am currently recovering from is the hardest thing, as of date, that I have had to deal with. The pain and the rehab are brutal, and the progress is very slow ... very very very slow with two steps forward and one, sometimes two steps back. I am an alkie; I want it now!! And I certainly don't want to have to work as hard as I have to to gain back what was lost! However, I must to the footwork!
Then the program kicks in ... things like, "Just for today," "progress not perfection," "It's the journey not the event," and "Try not to live in the wreckage of the FUTURE." I don't know what my final outcome will be; however, it has been proven to me that my body is a lot stronger then I give it credit for. It just doesn't heal like a normal person's body. I have health issues that make it challenging, but not impossible ... so ... with that ... I try to live in today. I celebrate the milestones like, I can finally drive very short distances and cook a bit on my own ... and try not to overdo it (which I am good at doing ... all or nothing ... right?? NOT).
I am still a work in progress. It doesn't matter that I managed to put 22 years of sobriety together. We all have just TODAY! And just for today, I will "try not to live in the wreckage of my FUTURE." I will not project my outcomes. That is not my job. That is the job of my HP, and I certainly don't want that job!!!
How do you stay in today? Are you a projector? Do you live in the wreckage of your FUTURE? I would love to hear your ES&H and again thanks for allowing me to share.
September 28 : Many Paths to Spirituality
"Newcomers are approaching A.A. at the rate of tens of thousands yearly. They represent almost every belief and attitude imaginable. We have atheists and agnostics. We have people of nearly every race, culture and religion. In A.A. we are supposed to be bound together in the kinship of a common suffering. Consequently, the full individual liberty to practice any creed or principle or therapy whatever should be a first consideration for us all. Let us not, therefore, pressure anyone with our individual or even our collective views. Let us instead accord each other the respect and love that is due to every human being as he tries to make his way toward the light. Let us always try to be inclusive rather than exclusive; let us remember that each alcoholic among us is a member of A.A., so long as he or she so declares."
- Bill W. (A.A. Grapevine, July 1965)"In our meetings people from all walks of life come together with a common purpose. Some members return to their religious roots, others find different spiritual paths. Some may find this "God of their understanding," yet never become involved with organized religion. Still others make the A.A. group itself their higher power."
"The first thing I had to do was resign from the debating society. That didn't mean I started agreeing with everything I heard. It means only that I listened without arguing, used what I could use, and filed the rest for future reference."
I finished reading a new AA pamphlet that one of our members recently posted. I saved the email for a time when I could read, focus, reflect and absorb. (These simultaneous occurrences don't happen often! LOL) I have not got much "stuff" to bring to the meeting in terms of a topic, so I was looking outside of myself for some inspiration and the above is what I found. The pamphlet is awesome and if you have not yet read it I encourage you to do so. I have quoted a few lines from the pamphlet. It is lovely and quotes members of many different spiritual backgrounds and just how AA works for them.
It addresses the broad and roomy highway that we as alcoholics have given ourselves in the spiritual realm. My beliefs have changed over the years as I have stayed sober. Not so much in their core, but certainly in the particulars. And while my Higher Power has taken on a new form, the definition remains the same. I am to grow spiritually and seek the light one day at a time. There is work to be done, and that is something I have learned to embrace over the years, for I know it is the work that brings me ever closer to some measure of enlightenment & peace within. The beauty of Alcoholics Anonymous is that I don't have to "buy" into any stuff. I have only to create my own definition of a power greater than myself. It was vague at first, but that worked for me.
Today was glorious. It began a few days ago as a plan to head to a nearby State Park for some "Leaf Peepin'" with a friend. I thought we would head out early and spend the day together, hiking, etc. Plans changed late the night before, and another friend was invited who could not go until late in the day. At first my buttons were a bit pushed, but you gals have taught me not to speak what first comes to mind. I let the whole thing "steep" in my mind and low and behold I found that I could be flexible, that God was in charge and this was not a case of Alison needing to say what is on her mind, but to sit back and relax and take it easy and let the day unfold. The thought occurred to me that perhaps my Higher Power was using me to be of service to someone else. It was a fun time with two friends, and the Fall colors were magical here in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. We ladies had a lovely time, I got to know someone a bit better and just be open and flexible.
That is an example of dancing with others that I believe our spiritual quest in AA brings us to at some point if we can remain receptive. No agendas, no pushing the outcome, letting my Higher Power reveal to me (if anything) what I am to do next. I don't have to push my spiritual agenda on others, and I find that my tolerance in the rooms of AA has made me more tolerant outside the rooms. Perhaps you can share about your own experience of the broad and roomy highway. I love to hear about your path to spirituality.
September 21 : The ABCs
The ABCs are the topic for the week.
a - that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives
b - that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism
c - that God could and would if He were sought.
When I got to AA, I was full-blown alcoholic, a daily drinker, angry, hopeless, lonely, full of fear, and desperate. But, I knew nothing about the disease of alcoholism. I learned about it by sitting in meetings and listening to people share about their recovery. I related to just about everyone in some way, and I got some hope that I too could recover once I accepted that I had this disease, whether I wanted it or not.
You also told me that you could not cure me, I had to do my own work, but there was lots of help if I asked for it and was willing to take direction and do what you did. I had a wonderful sponsor who showed me what she did as we read the Big Book together. Finally, I had to learn to trust God and put my reliance there. I started to pray in the morning and at night, something I still do. Daily, I got a reprieve from drinking and gradually things got better as I stayed sober and worked the 12 steps.
As a result of being a member of AA, today I have complete trust that God "could and would if He were sought." I love my sober life and treasure all of the adventures - easy ones, hard ones, happy ones, sad ones, failures and successes. It all adds up to growth and a life I could not have dreamed.
I am anxious to hear others share about their experience with the ABC's.
September 14 : Sponsorship
I chose the topic of sponsorship, because I recently started working with a newcomer. It's been about two years since I've worked with a sponsee. I am very grateful to be able to share with her what was given to me!
I read somewhere the acronym for S.P.O.N.S.O.R. is Sober, Practical, Noble, Spiritual, Open-minded, Respectful. The A.A. Pamphlet on Sponsorship states that "sponsorship is Twelfth Step work, but it is also continuing responsibility for helping a newcomer adjust to a way of life without alcohol."
At first I thought there is no way that I am going to have time to sponsor this woman! My sponsor has been encouraging me to talk to newcomers and get their phone numbers. I'm so grateful that I have been doing that, and that I called this woman that I had met at my home group. The next thing I know, I was setting up a time to meet with her for coffee. I know that it wasn't me doing this- my Higher Power was helping me! I truly believe that God puts people in my life for a reason.
I've been sharing with her what my sponsor has shared with me. I've suggested the readings in the Big Book that I read every day and several prayers that were suggested to me. She calls me every morning at around the same time. We've been meeting every week for an hour. We started reading from the Big Book- from the very beginning, and I read to her which is how my sponsor does it.
In the sponsorship line that I am in, there are sets of "homework" questions that we answer. So I've already had her do the first set of questions. We've been going so far to one meeting a week together. Hopefully there will be others that we can go together. She is still in outpatient treatment and prior to that was away at rehab.
At first I kept worrying about how am I going to help her. I realize that it's not just me- it's the entire program of A.A. that helps our sponsees, and of course their Higher Power. All I can do is share my experience, strength and hope. I pray for her every day, but I know that I can't keep her sober.
Working with other alcoholics has helped me so much in the past with my own sobriety. I have to say that with my last sponsee though, I did end up relapsing. I have written an amends letter to her, and I will eventually be making a face-to-face amends to her. At that time I was not as far with my amends nor was I as thorough. I know that I have to keep doing the foot-work and not rest on my laurels!
I am grateful for sponsorship- both ways- for being sponsored and for being able to sponsor. My sobriety will be strengthened when I give it away. So dear sober sisters, I would like to hear how sponsorship has strengthened your sobriety, any challenges you have faced during sponsorship, how you sponsor other women, or anything else that is on your mind.
September 7 : Healthy Relationships
At this point in my life I am doing some major reconstruction in my primary relationship and my living circumstances. My kids are telling me I am having a mid-life crisis. It almost sounds like a joke, but living in it, I know it's not. It feels like life is taking a hard left. So for today's topic I would like to suggest Healthy Relationships. Here is a quote from a book I am reading which really puts some issues I am having in perspective.
You are able to nurture and grow others in a way that promotes their emotional well being and spiritual growth and that promotes their taking responsibility for themselves there by increasing their self-esteem.
When you love yourself, you are able to nurture yourself, focus on your own emotional and spiritual growth, and take responsibility for yourself - thereby increasing your own sense of self-esteem. When a partner asks for acts of intimacy or support from the other, each person can say yes or no in a healthy way without the other partner being diminished. The self-esteem of each individual blossoms when nurtured in a healthy relationship.
I am currently participating in a women's group where we are reading Drop the Rock and focusing on Steps 6 and 7, to help me through this period. I am sharing regularly with my sponsors, one face-to-face and one online. I am also reaching out to many women who have been and are in my life today.
This prayer also seems to fit my situation, and I use it also: "God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!" (Big Book pg. 63)
Where are your relationships - with yourself, with your higher power, and with others? Of course, if there is anything you need to talk about please share.
August 31 : Using tools of the program
(even if they don't seem to be strong)
One of the folks at my morning meeting said something that struck me, and I'd love to hear what sort of recovery thoughts you have about it. My friend was sharing about what she does in seemingly impossible situations, and she said something like:
"I have to pick up the AA tools that I see, even when they don't necessarily seem like strong tools at the time."
That reminded me of something I've been doing lately. Now, I have lots and lots of personal evidence that "prayer works," but somehow, sometimes, prayer seems like such an unlikely answer to me. I mean - I know that if I follow the directions in (I think it's Freedom from Bondage) one of the stories in the back of the Big Book that recommends praying for 2 weeks for someone whom we have a resentment against, the resentment will go away. I know that, I've done it so many times, and IT ALWAYS WORKS but when I'm running around on my own, and I think about prayer, it kind of hides in its own meekness.
It just doesn't "look" like a strong or likely tool to me. Yet, I've been practicing praying, out loud, every morning as I drive to work or to other things, for all the people I can think of, starting with those whom I am feeling not so great about. And I calm down. And I remember how to practice the principles of the program.
So, I'm wondering which tool or tools seem (or have seemed) like "weak" tools, but that when you use them have turned out to be very powerful.
August 24 : The Next Right Thing
Today I took care of business: I bought health insurance (my first in 15 years). In order to renew my Turkish residence permit this year, insurance is required. In the past I would have boiled over with resentment, moaned about spending the money, and done nothing until it was almost too late. Today, I did the next right thing. Or the next indicated thing, as someone in GROW so beautifully put it.
I recently celebrated one year sober and my willingness to take care of the business of living is the biggest change I've noticed in myself. I'm starting to believe that doing the next indicated thing is enough to get me through the rest of my life. I don't feel the need to collect praise for *accomplishments* anymore. I want to take care of stuff.instead of waking up to find I can't have a hot shower because there is no gas.
Although *do the next right thing* kept me doing laundry, cooking dinner and attending meetings, up until quite recently I would have tried to get my boyfriend to refill the gas card. Or call the embassy to see what kind of insurance I needed. In other words, I am in the habit of enlisting other people to take care of things I really don't want to do. I feel entitled to have others take care of me. Who knew?
This behavior was invisible to me before last week! Every time I read a GROW share that starts: "It wasn't until I was 5 years sober that I realized." I have to take a breath. And remember that HP is giving me just what I can handle today. So I'm gearing up for more surprise revelations down the road!
What was the most amazing change you went through your first year sober? What were some of the behaviors or realizations that took longer to uncover? Thank you for letting me be of service. I look forward to your esh.
August 17 : Giving Thanks for Tough Times
Though I still find it difficult to accept today's pain and anxiety with any great degree of serenity - as those more advanced in the spiritual life seem to be able to do - I can give thanks for the present pain nevertheless. I find the willingness to do this by contemplating the lessons learned from past suffering - lessons which have led to the blessings I now enjoy. I can remember how the agonies of alcoholism, the pain of rebellion and thwarted pride, have often led me to God's grace, and so to a new freedom.
Grapevine, March 1962
Thank you to GROW for giving me the opportunity to be of service this week and helping me to celebrate another day sober.
In all honesty, with my connection to my home f2f group at an all-time low and having finally admitted I am harbouring a deep-seated resentment with the God of my understanding (that led me back in March 2007 to a 15-hour drinking binge and the beginning of an 18-month period hitting bottom), I am now hanging on by a thread. I am very grateful to GROW for providing the support and guidance I need at this time.
It has been suggested that I pray to my HP to help lift my resentment which I am doing earnestly, and my early foundation of going to meetings no matter what is helping my feet and the rest of me to get there. I am grateful for these tools which are right now saving my butt.
This morning I decided to get out my only bit of hope for sanity and sobriety - the literature. Since I was a child I have found a safe haven in books, and I didn't realise until I came into AA that this would be a line of communication where all else fails, I can still hold on to something. I opened "As Bill Sees It" randomly, and there it was: the passage I needed to read.
I have been thinking of all the times when I felt like there was nothing left, no hope, no possibility for an end in sight... like the time I came to AA and thought I'd be turned away as just another loony, or in sobriety when it was a struggle to get up every day, or when I thought I'd never have a relationship with my family. Each time, I've been shown that solutions arrive. Just not how or when I expect them to. But they do come *if I surrender.*
Moreover, I've had to learn a little about myself. What are my patterns? How do I sabotage including beating myself up? What have I had to let go? What did I have to accept? What is my level of self-honesty?
My latest trial is teaching me that I can only rest my sober life on faith and that my HP knows what he/she/it is doing, even though a part of me is crying out 'you're wrong, you're so wrong.' I look back at previous occasions and realise, 'ok... so you had a point, you were right.'
So I guess I'm getting to another stage of trust in my relationship with my HP and that only life's lessons can teach me that. Having gratitude for pain is so new for me - but I guess this is when I need to learn this, whilst still in pain.
As I write this I realise, I'm so glad I got to pick this week's topic. Through gritted teeth I realise I have to be teachable again and perhaps my new experiences will benefit others. I am thankful... finally :)
What lessons have you had to learn in sobriety when going through tough times - habits, behaviours, attitudes, communications? How has this affected your relationship with your HP if you choose to have one? Or perhaps as an agnostic/ atheist, how you cope with life sober?
August 10 : Freedom from Fear
This quote from "As Bill Sees It" is the one I have chosen as our topic this week. As many of you know I have been dealing with some health issues which have been increasing for the past while and while I thought that I had achieved, for the most part, freedom from fear I have found that it has been an underlying corrosive thread which has raised it's ugly head once more.
"The achievement of freedom from fear is a lifetime undertaking, one that can never be wholly completed. When under heavy attack, acute illness, or in other conditions of serious insecurity, we shall all react to this emotion - well or badly, as the case may be. Only the self-deceived will claim perfect freedom from fear." (page 263)
I personally know of a few people on this list that are dealing with health issues on a daily basis and I can only speak for myself but there have been days when the fear has taken hold and had its death grip on my heart and soul. I will state unequivocally that I am not afraid of death itself, it is the dying in pain that the fear comes from. Some days I can stay in the moment and be okay right where I am, but there are other days when I am off into the future whining that "it is going to be like this forever*.
I try to remind myself of what my past sponsor told me before she died "we have to accept where we are right now and hopefully build on that". She would remind me that we are never given more than we can handle in a 24 hour period. Sometimes I doubt that, but so far with God's help and that of my fellow travellers I have made it through with a modicum of peace.
This program gave me a life and it is up to me to live it to God's will and his service for as long as I can. I can look back at my life from the vantage point of my years (77 tomorrow) and realize that it is only by God's grace that I have made it this far with my mind still functioning and my body not in a worse state that it is because I know for a fact that the illnesses I have been contending with are a product of the lifestyle I lived, not only in my drinking years but before and into sobriety. God has been good to me and I thank Him daily for my life.
I am sure that there are others here that are going through their own brand of fear, not just health but other things and I would like to hear how you handle it on a daily basis. What gets you through? Of course feel free to talk about what ever troubles you at the moment.
August 3 : Step One
Upon arriving to AA, I was done drinking and wanted to find help around the tables. I was surprised to discover how often I identified with the men and women in the fellowship. It took a few months to completely accept powerlessness over alcohol.
I remember the day, time, and location where my head and my heart met. My sponsor asked me, "Nicole, have you completely accepted that are powerless over alcohol?" Having a belief in a God of my understanding did not help me to sober up. It took reaching that moment where I heard the little voice say "it's time" before seeking out help. It was only then that I was willing to allow God to do for me what I couldn't do for myself.
Have you conceded to your innermost self that you were alcoholic? If so, how did you lose the obsession over alcohol?
July 27 : Truth in Sobriety
My choice of topic has been influenced by particular events and before I say much more, I would like to pay tribute in this share to the memory of Pat O. A charismatic, yet gentle spiritual man with an amazing service record in AA. Pat suicided with forty-three years of continuous sobriety. It saddens me deeply to tell you that nobody saw it coming.
Pat O was one of the first people I met when, after drinking and drugging from age 13 to 31, I walked into the rooms of AA. In those early years I remember listening so gratefully to all the things he shared about his story and the lessons he had learned.
I have been sober now longer than I was practicing and thank God for this miracle one day at a time. I am grateful that these days my challenges do not relate to thinking about drinking or not drinking.
I know with all my heart that the disease of addiction is just under the surface and always will be, that my worst day sober is still better than my best day drinking, and no matter who is sharing about alcoholism I can always relate to the emotions and those instincts run amok being spoken about.
The illusion, delusion, and obsession is part of me just as it is written about so often in the Big Book. With this in mind, I take a deep breath before making the following comments. Once I might have said whatever might be most popular, the cool thing, or the right thing. Today I know there is only one thing I can say, and that's the real thing. What goes around in my head! Anything else will not keep me sober. So here goes.
There are some days where I can scarcely reconcile who I am now with who I was pre-AA. The memories are hazy and it is like I am talking about someone else. On those days, talking about it feels more like living in the problem than the solution, and I tend toward silence because I am reluctant to dredge up the memories.
I find myself wondering what kind of challenges Pat O had in his recovery. Things he did not speak of. So in my recovery there are those living day to day kind of concerns, and challenges like making the time commitment to go through the Big Book and the steps again with a new sponsor (because I know I need to), or being vigilant for other kinds of sabotage in sobriety.
I have to work on remaining enthusiastic and on task throughout the long work hours in my chosen career while my brain is sending out urgent messages, trying to kick start my one remaining ovary with next to no estrogen left in my body. And a new turn up very recently has been dealing with the addiction to sugar and wheat that I let slip under the radar for so long. That is a different story full of triggers and emotional discomfort, although it has common threads within our disease of addiction and the same dependence on a power greater than me.
I have been thinking a lot about Pat O and I think those who have been in AA for years can just be so very vulnerable. We are all newcomers to the current challenges in our lives. I do so often feel distant from my drinking days and I am glad about that. I wish there was some way to say this without sounding so ungrateful, but sometimes, I just get tired of talking about my life as it relates to alcoholism.
I can always relate in a meeting but sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. I find myself asking is that all there is? How else could I have spent my time? I give heart-felt thanks every day, and yet it is almost like I have other changing needs and issues in sobriety that take my focus.
When I look around the rooms, I do not see any of the people I got sober with. Over the years many have relapsed and have not returned, while others have simply drifted away. Recently I was reading an article about a well-known celebrity with twenty years in recovery who has re-admitted himself back into rehab. To fine tune his sobriety, he says, and to seek more growth along spiritual lines. Yes, yes! I can relate to that, it is relevant to me.
Because I am so grateful for my sobriety however, and so aware of my responsibility to help keep the doors open for the newcomer, I hesitate before complaining or sharing in what might be considered a step away from our singleness of purpose. There is a trend I think, for longer sober members to share in a way that helps the newcomer to identify.
Who speaks left or right of centre, of living challenges like pain medication, menopause and depression, the challenge of keeping recovery fresh outside of AA, day in and day out (with no long service leave), or the little nagging things that knock on the door where my disease of addiction lives.
For me, I try to stay upbeat, positive and grateful, so I rarely speak of these things in a meeting. And often it doesn't occur to me to ask another longer sober member if they are getting enough sleep, if they have a sponsor or have enough phone numbers. Or perhaps ask how they are they currently practicing step eleven. At present, I am grateful to have all of those things, although I haven't always had them.
I think what I am trying to say is that if we make a bee line for the new comer, attend meetings, say sensible and or potentially inspiring things born of trial and error, serve and sponsor, determined to ensure that the hand of AA is always there for the newcomer, are we making sure to give equal time to discovering how to take best care of ourselves beyond what might be suggested or looking out for other longer time members?
AA needs all of us, whether we are sober an hour, a day, a decade, or more. With permission, I mention a woman I am coming to know, who recalls serving in an ever-increasing capacity to the point of resentment and relapse at fifteen years. She was out for three years and found she just could not put the drink down. Thankfully, a spiritual experience brought her home again.
It is said we can judge any society by how it treats its older folk. Do we look our longer sober members (not necessarily older) in the eye and ask them what is going on for them right now. And listen intently for their truth. Perhaps my point simply illustrates the need for an engaged sponsor and an active network regardless of how long we have been in the fellowship.
As a topic for discussion and exploration this week I pose the following questions.
If as a longer sober member you found yourself struggling, isolating and keeping it to yourself, who in AA would truly know you well enough to see through your words and call you on it? Does attending meetings and serving within the fellowship fulfill all of your needs and desires for growth? Are you really honest about your challenges today when you share at meetings or does our singleness of purpose limit your sharing (what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now)? Are you addressing every issue that may impact you and subsequently your disease of addiction? And if you are new to the fellowship, what do you expect your sober life might be like in a couple of years from now? Perhaps in five years, ten years or twenty.
What kind of impression do you get from those who seem to have been around forever? Do they seem to have it together? Do you suspect or expect that living sober gets easier with time? I invite you to join with me in a discussion about what Truth in Sobriety means to you, or to write about anything else that may come up for you.
July 20 : Our Old Ideas
I'm writing this share right now in Door County, Wisconsin. I am here for several days with my husband and two children. I attempted to go to a meeting tonight, and it turns out that the meeting no longer exists. I called a lady from the AA Hotline here in Door County and asked her about it. She was very nice, and apologized that the meeting no longer exists, but that it was never removed from the directory or the website. So here I am, at a "meeting" with you all, and I feel better already!
So the topic of "our old ideas" spoke to me these past couple of weeks. In "How It Works": "With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition p.58).
I completed my 5th Step last week with my sponsor. First we met for most of the day, and I read my entire inventory to her. It also included my "Fact vs Fear" list and what my "ideal" relationship with my husband would look like. We broke for an hour, and I prayed to my Higher Power, who I call God, if there was anything I needed to add to my list. I did think of a few more resentments and a few more fears. I wrote about them at a later date, and my sponsor and I met a second time for an additional 5th Step.
My sponsor had written down a list of my "Old Ideas" based on what I had read to her from my 4th Step. What a wake-up call! I can honestly say that I wasn't shocked or surprised to read about them. I am realizing more and more what kind of twisted thinking and behaving I've been exhibiting all of these years - even after I stopped drinking. Even though I know what they are, that is not enough. Now comes the most difficult part- I have to take action and change my thinking and behaviors. I have to let go of them and change, otherwise I will surely drink again!
Some of my "old ideas" are: I don't need to be rigorously honest; rules don't apply to me; AA is not the solution; people are responsible for my happiness; if I avoid men, I will be a faithful wife; I can't ask for help; people will leave me; I am entitled to whatever I want without having to work for it; looking good is the solution; attention (especially from men) is the solution; and many others.
In order for me to change and keep growing, I need to continue to work the steps. My sponsor wants me to start writing three amends letters a week. Part of me says: UGHH!! Are you kidding me?? But I know that in order for me to really change my behavior - to let go of my "old ideas" and truly have solid emotional sobriety, I have to do the work! It will result in me having a closer relationship with my Higher Power - I really believe this, and a much better relationship with my family, friends, co-workers, neighbors.
July 13 : Being Here
Page 113 of the AA book, Came to Believe, says this:
"The nondrinking alcoholic discovers in AA that you cannot Get Ahead until you learn to be Here. We discover from our Serenity Prayer that one of the things we cannot change is time. The Here-and-Now is the only reality, whereas in the unreal world of the drinking alcoholic there was only yesterday-and-tomorrow."
This coincides with a saying I have on my bulletin board: The ego seeks the destination; the soul seeks the journey.
Accepting what is now, staying in this moment, has forever baffled me. However, when I first read the saying that is on my bulletin board, I made a giant step towards getting it. I can conceptualize my ego from my soul -- the part of me that sees myself as different / separate from others (ego) from the part of me that sees us all as one (as in "of one value").
The ego side of me charges forth to the destination of accomplishments to gather evidence for my badge of okay-ness. All the while my spiritual-self knows that I'm already okay simply because I'm a child of God. (As is every other human on the planet.) Maybe the point of my life on the planet is to -- simply -- grapple with life here for a while and not so much figure out what to do, or say, or sing, or write to make me okay. I'll stop here before I overstate (which I'm very good at).
Thank you for attending this week's meeting. Please write whatever reaction you have to anything I've written or -- as always -- please share what you need to help you in your recovery.
July 6 : Journey From Self-Hate
When I was drinking no one, and I mean no one, could hate me as much as I hated myself. This hate was fostered when I was a child growing up without my father and with a venomous stepfather. The world wasn't much less venomous. I was smart, tall, and wore glasses, so I was constantly made fun of by my peers and strangers. I tried to put up a good front, but inwardly I was full of festering hatred for myself. Becoming an adult and beginning to drink to excess made the situation so much worse. I would look in the mirror and scowl. I was literally disgusted by what I saw. I'm not an ugly person, yet inwardly I was hideous.
Time went by and I became this hideously deformed creature, and the hatred bubbled to the top of the surface. It was now peppered in my words, actions, and expressions. I kept losing friends. I was so alone. I spent years in turmoil. I couldn't see one good thing about myself, not one redeeming quality.
My misery made anyone around me miserable. They could see the hate. I couldn't. I was so blind to what it had been doing to me all those years and how it had contributed to my drinking. I had no self-respect, no self-image that was an iota positive. I'm unsure exactly when it happened; but, by some point I could no longer look at myself in the mirror.
All of this certainly contributed to my feeling that I lacked worthiness to be saved. I felt I was right where I deserved to be. It took the love of a man, a man who saw who I really was and could be, to knock sense into me. His love made me put down the margarita and say, "That's it. No more. I want more than this. I need help."
I sought out help in AA and immediately felt something I had never felt in all other groups: acceptance. Acceptance for me exactly as I was. I was in tears. I'd never, never felt accepted in my entire life. It took until age 36 before I felt it. Then I learned about the Steps and how they are used to retrain our brain and attitudes. I learned in sobriety I could learn to like myself. I'm afraid I didn't believe that at first and for a while. I had SO much hatred!
In time I became a new person.a person I truly like and love. I can look at myself in the mirror now and even smile. I've come so far it's bringing me to tears. All the misery is gone and replaced with love and joy. I have bad days like anyone; but, I never dislike myself. I'm no longer ugly inside and what's brimming on the surface now is happiness, true happiness. God is responsible for that, fully and completely. And I'm grateful for my first sponsor who accepted me and included me in her little group of women. She taught me so much and stays with me today.
What has your journey been like?