Weekly Topics - July - December 2013
December 29 : Faith & What It Is Like Today
I'm so grateful today to be celebrating 27 years of sobriety!! I take no "credit" for that ~ it is only by the Grace of God and this AA Program that I am "here." In reflecting on "what it was like, what happened and what it is like today," suffice to say, my life was a mess when I was drinking and druggin' and it was always someone else at fault. My emotional pain and devastation finally brought me to an AA Step Study meeting where my first Sponsor "appeared." She eventually introduced me to the Big Book of AA and the Steps, and I have been sober since that time. I'd like to focus on what it is like today.
First and foremost, through this Program I have come to know a Higher Power (HP) that loves, guides, and protects me. My relationship with my HP produces miracles when I "follow." There is a parable (in my spiritual beliefs) that reminds me that all I need is a little bit of Faith in my HP - even Faith that is only the size of a mustard seed is all that is needed. I personally love the parable about the mustard seed. I like to remember how very tiny - really tiny! - a mustard seed is, and that it grows into a massive tree. It has been my experience ~ through this Program ~ that it only takes faith the size of a mustard seed to accomplish great things. I don't think I could make it without Faith. I still have fears and craziness, but thankfully, I can take refuge in my Faith and I am reminded that "there is One who has all Power" (BBp59), and I can (and should) "Let Go and Let God." When I live these principles, whatever had been troubling me seems to resolve, or at least does not seem so overpowering.
Through this Program and the recovering people in it, I see again and again that "Faith," working the Steps, and practicing the Principles of this Program are powerful beyond my human understanding, can transform lives, and create miracles. Please share what comes up for you.
December 22 : What Brought You to Your Bottom?
I apologize for not getting the topic out on time, but here it is: When I moved to Florida, I was asked: "Why did you pick December 23rd to get sober?" An Alanon asked me that question, it was all I could do but start laughing! The date had not relevance, but that's where I hit my bottom.
My 38th anniversary has gone by, I have been far too busy to even stop (pause) for my brain to notify me. I am so grateful for all the sponsors, all the AAers who helped me in this journey.
When I came in finally sober, my brain I felt was hopelessly burnt. I could remember little except you don't drink a day at a time. I had to take it 15 minutes at a time. My "crutches" - alcohol and drugs, were no longer good medicine for me.
I had a General Practitioner Doctor help me get cleaned up. If I needed hospitalization, it was to be without any mind altering drugs. I had many a sleepless night, and when up I swore the trees were moving around. In a daze I destroyed anything in the bathroom. I was on crutches in the snow and ice, trying to buy pants for the son I hadn't given over to my ex. I was fearful terrified of driving because I had a bumper banger (no one in the car thank God) at which point I was arrested for bad checks I never remember writing.
I finally asked a woman to sponsor me, she had 18 years and had 12 stepped me with both alcohol and drugs. She was tough. She also unbeknown to me in the beginning was going blind. When I finally got driving again, she pushed me to drive to meetings further and further away, and thank God for her tricking me that way.
I was unemployable, and at about 3 months sober, the CETA program offered me retraining as a Nurses aid. I went, I grew, I became social a little at a time. When we were trained in death and dying, I let it all out and shared my story. The nurse instructing us already knew my story; she said she had been watching me grow. No detoxes, just winging it with help from AA and my Doctor. Little by little I tried to clear the wreckage of my past. Went to two more courts for checks, was let go free with payback.
In these 38 years, my life has been a full 180 degree turn or better. I hung onto my youngest son; I married at five years sober. (Kissed a lot of AA toads in there) I learned I had to like me, before I could like or love another. I had been rear-ended prior to that marriage, dealing with Workers comp, denials, courts for that, we struggled financially, but Bill worked a second job to keep us afloat. All thru the almost 32 years we were married, we had financial devastation on and off.
I pictured me in God's hands; I knew he held me up when I thought I might fall! I am still in God's hands. Three months after Bills death, the finances turned around, I can make it know. The Grace of God and AA! I could go on and on with the miracles that have happened to me.
My oldest son (that I had kept) called me not too long ago, he was helping a friend on parenting, and she said Your Mom did a great job, she trained you well. She was jealous because she is having child-rearing problems. My son kept going on about that, I reminded him had it not been for God and AA, we would not have made it.
If you wish my topic is: what brought you to your bottom? Or any other topic that is on your mind. I am here still a student, I am grateful for all who share.
Happy Holidays. Merry Christmas to all!
December 22 : Interim topic - PRAY FIRST
There once was a man who had nothing for his family to eat. He had an old rifle and three bullets. So, he decided that he would go out hunting and kill some wild game for dinner.
As he went down the road, he saw a rabbit. He shot at the rabbit and missed it. The rabbit ran away. Then he saw a squirrel and fired a shot at the squirrel and missed it. The squirrel disappeared into a hole in a cottonwood tree. As he went further, he saw a large wild Tom turkey in the tree, but he had only one bullet remaining.
A voice spoke to him and said, "Pray first, aim high and stay focused." However, at the same time, he saw a deer which was a better kill. He brought the gun down and aimed at the deer. But, then he saw a rattlesnake between his legs about to bite him, so he naturally brought the gun down further to shoot the rattlesnake.
Still, the voice said again to him, "I said 'Pray, aim high and stay focused'." So, the man decided to listen to God's voice. He prayed, then aimed the gun high up in the tree and shot the wild turkey. The bullet bounced off the turkey and killed the deer. The handle fell off the gun and hit the snake in the head and killed it. And, when the gun had gone off, it knocked him into a pond. When he stood up to look around, he had fish in all his pockets, a dead deer and a turkey to eat for his family. The snake (Satan) was dead simply because the man listened to God.
Moral of the story: Pray first before you do anything, aim and shoot high in your goals, and stay focused on God.
-- Author unknown
ASAP: Always Say A Prayer
I know that when I follow "that still soft voice" the outcome far exceeds any expectations I have. It's hard to trust something that seems so far-fetched.
It's happened to me a few times, and each time it gets easier and easier to "hear" that voice, and each time I am a little more willing to follow the directions.
Please share about the limbs you have climbed out on, the things you followed in faith, and how they turned out.
December 15 : Relationships with Others
So many amazing things have happened and continue to happen in sobriety - as long as I work for it. That means working the steps with my sponsor and embracing the principles of the program in all my affairs as well as incorporating the tools we are taught to live by and with - meetings, readings, prayer, meditation, being of service to others and more. I continue to learn to be a friend both online and face to face. I isolated for most of my life, even before drinking so learning to feel real comfort around others and be the real me and share me openly and with love is a work in progress.
From pg 327, 4th edition:
"The real rewards aren't material in nature. I have friends now because I know how to nurture and encourage valuable friendships ... And, most importantly, I know who I am ... I am so grateful that my Higher Power stepped in to show me the way to the truth. I pray every day that I never turn my back on it. I came to AA in order to stop drinking, what I received in return was my life."
For our topic, I am suggesting relationships, inside and outside of the rooms and what those were like and what they are like today. For me, I hated myself and distrusted others, everyone, while drinking. Today, I am a work in progress about being in relationship, whether family or friends, and so very grateful to have tools to reach out as well as let people in today.
December 8 : Acceptance
When I first entered the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous - I had absolutely no acceptance of my alcoholism, the reason I drank was due to what was happening around me, it was the worlds' fault that I drank, but I couldn't see that. Very early on I heard a man read the piece on Acceptance from the BB and somehow those words spoke to me, they still do today and for me are some of the most important words I read each morning. So as I break down the sentences, I am gaining awareness all the time, the words ground me for today.
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."
For me, some form of serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not, the Serenity Prayer became and still is my special mantra. When I *admitted* that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me, and I suppose that admission over time turned to acceptance.
I learned that everyone has the right to live their lives as they wish, to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgment, or assistance. And it has taken time to accept that I do not have to accept unacceptable behaviour, I just have to accept that I am powerless over it! This 'letting go' has not been easy, but as I understand my powerlessness more and more, the better I stand back and bring the focus to improving my own life the better I hope. However, I do struggle from time to time with how my husband lives his life and this has been my greatest test of acceptance and letting go.
"Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy."
Another mantra of mine is 'everything happens for a reason' and for a time in early sobriety, while I accepted that, that wasn't enough - I wanted answers - I know this has happened for a reason but why?? If I knew why I could fix it! As you can imagine that became a futile exercise and brought me on a merry go-round once more. Accepting life completely on life's terms - I consider I am a work in progress on this, but I accept that is a part of my journey of recovery. I try to be gentle with myself.
Life each day presents me with challenges, and at the end of the day when I do my 10th Step inventory, I learn how I have done today, asking myself am I living life on life's terms today? Today I feel happier than I have ever felt thanks to this program, and I accept that I need to work this program on an ongoing basis, particularly when I hit a 'low' - then I need to step up my program work, allowing me to look at life with a different set of glasses.
"I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
Known as the 'family fixer', standing back and looking at myself and change what I have power over within me has been a rocky road at times. It's okay to be the 'fixer' to guide, support, but I must allow others take responsibility for their lives. Not easy for this fixer, but over time it has given me a great sense of freedom. I must allow others the dignity to make their decisions about their lives.
Thank you for allowing me to share, and for taking time to read this week's Topic. I look forward to reading your shares throughout the week and learning from each one of you how you achieved acceptance and how you maintain acceptance.
December 1 : I am not alone. Thank you.
In my mindfulness and 12 steps book, the prayer for one's "taking refuge in community (sangha)" is just this: "I am not alone. Thank you."
I will be attending my first face to face meeting Wednesday night at a women's group 1/2 hour away. I tried about 9 months ago and panicked because I couldn't find it - so I left and didn't go back. I have held onto the GROW group and to my online sponsor because it's all I've had other than my therapist. I'm afraid for a number of personal and professional reasons - some of them reasonable, others not so much.
After an emotionally rough weekend before Thanksgiving, my therapist and I talked about my isolation, and we both agreed I need to take some risk and have some trust if I want any relief. Isolating has made the past year harder and more painful.
A favorite poem by Hafiz has been helping me:
A hunting party
Sometimes has a greater chance
Of flushing love and God
Out into the open
Than a warrior
All alone.
So this week is it. I have addressed my professional fears by planning to talk to my boss Monday, and I've already talked to my HR rep (who was very supportive).
I'm petrified, but it's time to take this step and take refuge in a community beyond my computer screen.
So this week I would love for you all to talk about what it was like to gather a hunting party, take refuge in community, and trust others. And if this has been difficult for you to do, we need to know about that too.
November 24 : No Reservations
"If we are planning on stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol."
From Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, More ABout Alcoholism, pg. 33
I read the above quote the other day and got to thinking about reservations and relapse. While my story doesn't include relapse (by the grace of God) I've heard others share their experience with relapse. They say that they got comfortable, they say they thought they "had it." They say that they thought they could drink "normally."
Thank God for those that have gone before me that have relapsed. I need to hear their stories. When they go back out, they say it never gets better. In fact, it's worse than when they left off. One person shared that their disease is doing push ups, just waiting for them to slip.
I need to remember that. I need to remind myself that I can never, ever, drink again. I need to practice these principles in all my affairs. I need to be diligent. I need to be honest, open and willing. I need to remain teachable. I need to be of service. I need to do the next right thing.
Yes, it's work. But the rewards are so worth it. Being able to hold my head up high, looking at myself in the mirror and liking what I see. It's a life I never knew prior to coming to these rooms. So, I will never, ever, be immune to alcohol. My disease may try to tell me otherwise. But so long as I keep my HP big and my ego small, I will stay sober, one more day.
Please share about any reservations or lurking notions you may have or had ... Or anything that may be on your mind!
November 17 : The ABCs
I have been reflecting a lot this week as I usually do prior to my anniversary. It is hard for me to believe that 34 years ago last night I took my last drink until this moment and hopefully for the rest of the moments of my life. I must admit I have been wracking my brain to think up an *inspirational* topic that would knock your socks off.
Then the words that were spoken to me in my first few weeks came into my mind and would not leave. I was not yet into working the steps, really had no concept of what they meant at that point but one of our old timers said to repeat the ABC's every day in a condensed form:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
My version: I am an alcoholic and cannot manage my life.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
My version: Nobody else in my life has managed to get me sober.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
My version: Maybe I should try their God.
Further condensed is: I can't, He can, I think I'll let him.
I didn't realize at the time that by doing this all the time I was actually doing the first three steps of the program. I still use this every day when things come up that I have issues dealing with. Mostly medical stuff these days. I am too old and decrepit to get into too much trouble.
I would be interested in learning if the ABC's have special meaning in your life or if not what in the literature has been a mainstay for you and your sobriety. I look forward to your shares as we share this well travelled path to freedom from booze.
November 10 : Into Action
Our program emphasizes action in our attempt to stop drinking. Those of you who are new to AA, what are you doing to help resist the temptation to drink? Those who have been around a while, what did you actually do in the early days, weeks, months to help you to keep the top on the bottle? What action do you take now? When life gets tough and you feel discouraged or at the end of your tether, what do you do these days to protect your sobriety?
I used to walk to the phone box to talk to another alcoholic. I asked for help (not as often as I could have done!) I walked the dog, again and again and again! I started to knit or do anything that would keep my hands busy. I ate chocolate and drank gallons of tea. I had a sponsor who regularly told me to wash the kitchen floor , I resisted that one but often had to comply!
I still drink gallons of tea and walk the dog and Ive added a few more things to do to keep me sober and peaceful these days. Im learning to meditate, I try to keep interested in various things like playing with the computer, drawing and painting, taking photographs and many more. Some of these things I used not to allow myself to do.
These are just a few examples but there was one thing that helped me above all else.
This piece of AA literature, the Just for Today card, was in the starter pack I was given at my first meeting. Ive shared about it before but I think its worth referring to it again. I carried it with me everywhere and it was my first line of defence when that urge to drink appeared.
I love the bit that reminds us that we can do something for 12 hours that would appall us if we had to keep it up for a lifetime. Of course, at first I tried to follow all the suggestions every day until a friend suggested I concentrate on one each day. So I cut them up and put them in a jar, taking out one at a time. I hope you will find some of them helpful.
Just for Today
Just for today I will try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. Most folk are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes and fit myself to it.
Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways. 1) I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. If anybody finds out, it will not count. 2) I will do at least two things I dont want to do , just for exercise. 3) I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt. They may be hurt but today I will not show it.
Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.
Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests, hurry and indecision.
Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.
Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
AA Literature
Central Office
London
So, please share with us what action you take to keep sober and to keep growing in sobriety.
November 3 : The Gift of Sobriety
I would like to share a reading from Daily Reflections page 186:
"A GIFT THAT GROWS WITH TIME"
For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good."
and from ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 151
"The longer I chased these elusive feelings with alcohol, the more out of reach they were. However, by applying this passage to my sobriety, I found that it described the magnificent new life made available to me by the A.A. program. 'It' truly does 'get better' one day at a time. The warmth, the love and the joy so simply expressed in these words grow in breadth and depth each time I read it. Sobriety is a gift that grows with time."
This reading really spoke to me today. I've been writing out my "drinking story/history" which has been kind of grueling and long. I've done it sort of half-ass before with another sponsor. Now I'm really trying to get as detailed as possible (without trying to get into that trying to be perfect mode-lol) as I am reading "Bill's Story" with my new sponsor. I am seeing similarities between Bill's story and mine. It's easy for me to minimize my drinking and say "oh it wasn't so bad." See I didn't have a lot of the "yets."
My drinking was for a long time a happy and joyous experience with family and friends. It did not last though. Eventually my drinking became isolating, dark, and depressing. I was using the alcohol to make me feel better and make it seem like my life was good. I thought that if I was drinking, my life would be better - I would feel better. It would make my problems go away, it would make me less afraid and anxious, it would make me happier.
Alcohol sure is cunning, baffling and powerful - and deceitful! Unfortunately it has taken me multiple relapses to make me realize that alcohol is NOT the solution. I kept thinking that it was the answer so I would drink again. Thank God my relapses only lasted one night!! I was able to come back to AA the very next day and talk about my relapse.
I will have 7 months on November 5 thanks be to my Higher Power, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and strong sponsorship. I kept saying to myself "am I ever going to get this program?" and "when are things going to get better?" I was always doubting myself because I kept relapsing and changing sponsors so many times. I can honestly say now that I feel like my life has really gotten better. My husband and I have been working on our marriage for a couple of years now ever since my affair, and our marriage has gotten better. I have a wonderful relationship with my two awesome teenagers, and I am always there for them.
I am grateful for the fellowship and for the friends that I have made all over the world. I am so grateful for AA and for this gift of sobriety! I never want to take it for granted ever again! One more thing- I was at my home group this morning, and we were reading from "Dr. Bob's Nightmare." At the end of the meeting, one of the women came up to me and said that she can tell that I have changed and that I am working the steps! Wow! I was so happy and practically speechless when she said that. "Progress, not perfection!" My sobriety really is a gift that can keep on growing with time.
October 27 : 10th Step Promises
As this 10th month comes to a close, I want to look at the 10th step promises as laid out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 84-85: (please allow for my own highlighting of this passage)
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as if from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
.We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities.
I love these promises. When I first came into the rooms of AA, I heard the 9th step promises read at the opening of most meetings (still do), and they're great, they're amazing and they're something that I strive for ... but unfortunately, for me, when I was newly sober, they were also like reading a foreign language (one that I only had a basic working knowledge of).
I mean, sure, I would love to know what serenity and peace were like, but you were talking to someone who would rather stay in bed and cry, than get up and face the day. "Losing interest in selfish things, self-seeking will slip away," what the hell is self-seeking, because surely it's not me. Wasn't I the one always buying drinks/dope for everyone; didn't I let complete strangers come party and pass out at my house (some of them for days at a time)? I mean, how nice and *giving* can one person get, am I right?
"Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us..." Well ... ain't that nice? First, I'm about the most social person on the planet with a little booze in me and as for money? I don't have any, I can't see me ever getting any, so short of winning the lottery I don't see any way that I won't worry about money.
(Please keep in mind that everything written above followed my train of thought very early in sobriety...but isn't that the most important time?).
I liked the 9th step promises then, in that same way I like fairytales ... how cool and exciting ... if it were true. But the 10th Step promises, those I could totally get behind. God, how amazing to not fight cravings, to have the problem removed?! Please, sign me up for that. Then you read a little farther and it says, "so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition ..." Bummer. I knew there was a catch.
See, the God I grew up with was not a God I thought I could spend time with every morning and besides, after all the stunts I pulled, He probably didn't want to spend any time with me either. He was a jealous, vengeful God. I grew up believing, if you think it, you may as well have done it ... and if I'm honest here, I did WAY more than think it.
When I spoke these thoughts aloud to another woman in the program, she posed this question to me: "Mika, if God made you human, why would He be mad at you for being human?" and something in that struck me and rang true. Of course He created me as a human and, therefore, fallible. Am I so self-righteous that I honestly think He intended that I be perfect? No, of course He didn't. If He created me, knowing I would sin, then He expects it, and if He expects it, there's really nothing I can do to irreparably damage our relationship. That, my friends, is where I found freedom. The freedom to begin a relationship with a Higher Power that I never knew existed; a way to forgive myself for all my mistakes and past indiscretions.
And now, because I could believe in and begin to live out the promises of the 10th step, I've been blessed to experience a life beyond anything I ever could have imagined. The promises are true, in my life and in the lives of all of those you work the steps. I love this program, I love my life, and most importantly, I love my God in a new and fulfilling way.
October 20 : The Family Afterward
"...A body badly burned by alcohol does not often recover overnight nor do twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling. We are convinced that a spiritual mode of living is a most powerful health restorative. We, who have recovered from serious drinking, are miracles of mental health..." BB page 132
"...The alcoholic may find it hard to re-establish friendly relations with [her] children. Their young minds were impressionable while [s]he was drinking. Without saying so, they may cordially hate [her] for what [s]he has done to them and to their [father]. The children are sometimes dominated by a pathetic hardness and cynicism. They cannot seem to forgive and forget. This may hang on for months, long after their [father] has accepted [mom]'s new way of living and thinking.
In time they will see that [s]he is a new [wo]man and in their own way they will let [her] know it. When this happens, they can be invited to join in morning meditation and then they can take part in the daily discussion without rancor or bias. From that point on, progress will be rapid. Marvelous results often follow such a reunion.
Whether the family goes on a spiritual basis or not, the alcoholic member has to if [s]he would recover. The others must be convinced of [her] new status beyond the shadow of a doubt. Seeing is believing to most families who have lived with a drinker."
-- BB pages 134-135
These passages from the Big Book gives this alcoholic hope.
When I got into the program, I made a dent in the cycle of insanity that consumed my world. But I stayed in a toxic marriage and my emotional sobriety was very much affected. It was the path I had to take, nonetheless my ladies saw my recovery as flawed and it has made our recovery as a family hard.
My family is healing and is it the way I want?...no, it is what it is. Through this program I have hope. I have learned to face my storms with humility and grow from them.
I will admit that I continue to struggle with letting go. There are times I want to pick up their pebbles, stones or even boulders from their path however in doing so I take away the lessons of life that will help them to live life on life terms. My higher power guided me on my path as theirs with guide them.
Recently I painted a painting which embodies, for me, what it is like to be a mom. It is of a child snuggling into her mother and the mother holding her child close to her heart. A tear forms from the mother's eye for she knows she has no control, no power to direct or protect the life of her child. All she has is love, unconditional love and compassion to help them realize their fullest potential.
That is all I have...unconditional love and compassion.
Do I fear they will make the same mistakes as I? Yes...however THEY are not ME.
I know I made mistakes, a lot of mistakes and I tried to do the best I could.
Today is one of my daughters' birthday and she still has a lot of anger with me and little by little she is backing away. It is breaking my heart however by the grace of this program, I can let go without loving less. One day we will reunite when she is ready. Until such time by my example I can show her, show each of my ladies how truly strong I am and how that same strength is within each of them.
Just like the alcoholic that stills suffers...until they want to change, want to grow...will change happen and they will come to know that they are not alone.
How have you dealt with the family afterwards? How do you use the tools of this program to help you and those you love grow?
October 13 : Favorite Sayings and Slogans
For this week I have chosen the topic favorite sayings and slogans.
In particular I refer to A Day at a Time; First Things First; Easy Does It; You have to give it away to keep it; share experience, strength and hope; think the drink through; love and tolerance of others is our code; Happy Joyous and Free; and Surrender to Win.
Most often do I think about A Day at a Time so I stop getting crazy over the past and worry myself sick about the future; realize the present is all we have in this world in this moment and Surrender to Win, another paradox that tells me if I just give up wanting all things my way they will go God's way, the way they are supposed to and I can be glad.
Ladies, the floor is open for discussion; tell us how these brief mantras help you get through a difficult day, finally give up insisting things go your way and realize we are all to some extent spiritually sick and wrong much of the time.A I am very grateful for these Tiny programs-in-a-capsule that remind me what is important and get me back on track.
October 6 : "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable"
Growing up, I knew nothing of alcohol. Coming from a religiously conservative teetotaling family, I had never even seen it until I was in high school. It was a tool of Satan. Yet one evening when I was in puberty, I watched a TV drama about Bill W. I knew at that moment that I was an alcoholic or an addict. I recognized something in myself, and I just knew.
When I finally did start drinking on my first Friday night in college, I got drunk. I got drunk every time I drank after that. I loved the buzz. It made me more outgoing and less afraid. Had it not been for discovering marijuana a few years later, I'd have hit an alcoholic bottom very early on, I think.
The point is that I knew I was an alcoholic. I had the first half of the first step down pat for many years before I finally managed to see the second half come true for me. I even made jokes about it. At the bars, I'd say, "I'm an alcoholic, so bring them two at a time." It was funny, but it I meant it.
I had many good years as a pothead and sometimes drinker. I felt very superior to drunks. I didn't slur my words. I didn't stumble. I didn't act like a fool in public. But I was stoned every hour I was awake for about 20 years. While others outgrew the habit, I did not. Then it started getting hard to find since I didn't hang with the druggies. So, I started relying more and more on booze. And booze brought me down.
For many more years, I was a "functioning alcoholic." I performed well at work and got promotions. Never had a DUI. Never came even close to a jail. Lived a seemingly normal life. Yet, every day when I left work, the drinking started, and it didn't stop until I was unconscious. Sometimes it would include friends and drunken parties, but usually it was me alone with my cat and the television. I had to check the kitchen sink to see if I'd had dinner the night before and check the towels in the bathroom to see if I'd bathed. That was my life. But everything was under control - as long as I didn't make or answer phone calls in the evening.
In 1996, unmanageability could no longer be ignored. I married a man with whom I had never had a date and who didn't speak very much English. I thought I was making my stand for the Third World and really helping someone. Then I started helping him more by giving him cash I'd gotten off my credit cards. My explanation for marrying him? I didn't have anything better to do at the time.
It took only three months for me to finally understand. I was powerless over alcohol and my life was truly unmanageable. Alcohol had sunk into my brain and made me insane. I was completely delusional and absolutely hopeless. I began to rage at him. I tried to kill him.
One day, he asked me what I wanted out of life. My answer was a blank stare. I had no idea. I had gone too far into the bottle to know or even care. The only thing that mattered to me by then was when and where I could get a beer. All I wanted out of life anymore was to get and stay drunk.
But I thought about it. After a while, I had an answer: "I want God. I want Him here and now, not someday after I die." My world was spinning out of control. A month later, I returned to AA. This time, I understood the first step. I am an alcoholic, and my life is unmanageable. I have no control over my drinking, and I certainly have no clue how to live life.
It's been many 24 hours since those dark days. I haven't had a drink in a long time. My life is simple, manageable. It's not that I learned how to control or manage it. It's that I gave up and gave in. I finally was desperate enough to let people who had been there teach me how to stop and stay stopped. I was finally desperate enough to hand everything over to a God I do not understand and trust that God - most of the time. Today, there is no doubt in my mind or heart that I am an alcoholic and that, if I choose to drink again, my life will be unmanageable - as long as I live (which will probably not be long).
It took me at least 15 years to do Step One where alcohol was concerned. It took longer for me to let go of my romance with pot even though I stopped using it long before I quit drinking. For me, I know I am an alcoholic and an addict, and I will never be cured. There have been enough incidents over the years to make that clear to me. Even when I abstain from alcohol and drugs, they can dominate my thoughts and behavior if I am not vigilant about working the program of AA.
So, that's the topic for this week. Step One. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol --- that our lives had become unmanageable." Please share with us your experience, strength, and hope surrounding this absolutely necessary beginning to a sober life.
September 29 : Staying in the Moment / Staying Sober no matter what!
The one thing that I need to remember when the poopies are/is hitting the fan is "staying in the moment". I also equate that with staying sober no matter what!
I am one of the fortunate ones who has not relapsed in sobriety, at least physically. I have had many a spiritual, emotional or mental relapse, which in my mind, is just as detrimental. Those are signs to me, when i feel i am "slipping" that physical relapse can be and will be next.
In my almost 21 yrs. I have had to deal with many things that could have and would have "taken me back out" if I had not been working a program. I have been away from AA from year 4-14 and I must admit, I did not physically relapse, however, I did have a very severe mental health break. I insisted to the doctor that she allow me a few weeks before insisting on committal stating that I think I know what I need to do, and I walked right back into meetings, sponsorship, and working the steps. I was never committed.
I have had a lot of things happen just in the last 2 months. I was in a serious car accident that left me physically and emotionally injured. I am going for surgery because of this accident that was not my fault in 3.5 weeks and to top off the fun, my father, my dearest father and my protector, passed away earlier this month.
That threw me a bit over the edge, I had just for a second, thought about a drink...but the words come into my head, "I will stay sober no matter what". There is nothing that I can, personally speaking, justify to take that first drink. That would not bring my father back or heal my body.
When my fear strikes up about making the right decisions about my health, surgery, other things that are happening, I am reminded when i am chaotic to just stop, breath and stay in today/the moment. I can not do anything about outcomes or the future, I can only do the footwork that is ahead of me today, this moment.
September 22 : Surrender
When I was new to AA, I was at someone's 10 year celebration and she said "It's still all about surrender." I have always remembered that and I was thinking about it this week. I knew I had to surrender and I was willing because I was so miserable, but I didn't know what that meant. Looking back, I surrendered when I said I was alcoholic out loud, when I committed to 90 meetings in 90 days, when I asked someone to help me and took directions from her to work steps and when I started praying every day to stay sober.
Today surrender is not much different. I still try to live the 12 steps. I have added a sincere "Thy will be done" to prayer because I have learned to trust and rely on God.
So, I would like to hear about what surrender means in your life or what/how you struggle with the idea of surrender.
September 15 : How Do I Practice Step 10?
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Back when I was a newcomer I was told to read Step 10 every morning before I got started with my day. In the many years since that first year I no longer take a complete, fearless and thorough moral inventory of each incident that causes me conflict and requires self-examination to lead me away from resentment. I do what is called a spot-check inventory, written or just talking to a spiritual adviser, and that usually shows me what role I played in the situation, where I was wrong, whether I should make amends and how quickly.
Step 10 is my gateway to emotional sobriety, an attribute I want as part of my persona and a difficult one to achieve. The literature tells us we no longer have hangovers from too much to drink but rather hangovers created by excesses of emotion.
We read that instincts for food, love, and sex are natural and God-given but we have problems when those instincts go awry. Fortunately we have the 12 steps and the AA philosophy to guide us back to a reasonable approach to the problem and to life in general.
This step asks us "do we pass the acid test...can we stay sober, live to good purpose and keep in emotional balance under all conditions?"
Step 10 reminds us that gossip makes us feel comfortably superior to the people we are talking about, that we are not trying to be helpful with constructive criticism but rather seeking to punish the other person and that all people are to some extent emotionally ill and frequently wrong. If we can adopt this view only then can we approach true tolerance of our fellow men.
How do you work the principles in Step 10? Do you practice inventory taking on some level when life doesn't go your way? Do you agree that even so-called jusfied anger is not for us; it is the dubious luxury of normal men; do you examine your motives and clear them of wrong doing? Do you practice restraint of tongue and pen, telephone and e-mail? Do you try to bring the spirit of this incredible program into all areas of your life?
Ladies, please share with us anything you feel about this life-changing step. The floor is now open for discussion.
September 8 : Habits
Two weeks ago I did my first step 5 and found it to be a helpful experience. It was not as scary as I had pictured. Then came step 6 - it came more easily than I thought - and here I am at step 7.
Here's the rub: I can see that my defects manifest as really deeply, thoroughly ingrained habits. The behaviors show quickly and in rapid succession - and I can't always see it coming. I want badly to break them. I aim to give them to my higher power ... and at the same time I am aware that this isn't magic - I will need to do some good old fashioned hard work along the way.
Here are a few of the biggies that I'm working on:
1 - dishonesty
2 - carrying grudges
3 - passive aggression
4 - playing the victim
5 - impatience
6 - cruelty to myself
So ... within days of step 5, I caught myself lying and being passive aggressive - it was toward my mother after all and after years of drinking and berating me, does she deserve honesty?!? Carrying a grudge and being a victim much, Mindy? Yikes. So I caught those and corrected my course but not before I berated myself for being stupid and mean. Of course, I said that to myself with many varieties of curse words and insults. Well, that was impatient and cruel behavior toward myself - oops - have to stop that too - aye aye aye!
But as much as this process is overwhelming it's equally empowering. I don't have to live this way forever! How fabulous!
So here's what I pose to you, GROW ladies, this week - what habits have you broken - and how? What habits have you struggled with? How has it felt to do this work - to succeed and to struggle? Feel free to share on this topic or anything else you find helpful to your recovery. Thanks and happy 24!
September 1 : To be one in a....
*"We have not sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society."* (p.53, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions)
*"Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us" *(p.77, Alcoholics Anonymous)
Thank you so much for letting me lead the meeting for this week, congratulations to all those celebrating an anniversary and welcome to all those who have recently joined GROW. I am very grateful for the help I receive here and throughout AA - the fellowship has not only given me a life but a set of tools to handle it.
I decided to select the lines above because over the years they've helped me come back to reality. When I came into AA, full of fear, pride, ego, and a lot of hot air (some of which still remains :), I wrestled any concept of 'equality'. I simply was better than anyone else and a miracle child or an absolute disgrace to humanity, scum of the earth. That dual superiority-inferiority complex was the only way I knew how to handle life, and words like *'a worker among workers*' nearly made me keel over in horror!
I mean, me -- one amongst many? Do you not know of all my true talents, gifts and abilities?!
That's when my first sponsor said: "great , lets put all your talents, gifts and abilities to be of service to God and those around you!"
I have to say, I felt the tables were turned. I was so into self I hadn't really thought of being *of service* to anyone and it reeked of the implication - doormat! I thought that would make me weak!
But like many things in AA, it is far from weak. Today I find more and more that when I see myself as an equal, one amongst many, a member of a family, another friend, another employee, another AA, I truly find liberation and strength. Its not always been easy and I do often struggle with it. But that sense of apart instead of a part of is just another mask of alcoholism which keeps me separated from the fellowship, from humanity, from my HP and tied to the bondage of self. It is through regular taking my own inventory, prayer and being of service have I found that sense of equality and belonging.
So the lesson for me is , if I want to continue to grow and be an equal in society, to stand shoulder to shoulder with others and look them in the eye, instead of down or up at them , I need to be of service to my HP and those around me , in the home, office and meeting. Today I love being able to help another person, even if its just sharing my experience, strength and hope in a meeting or listening to them over a coffee. I am working on carrying this attitude into other areas of my life.
Id love to hear how you have put into practice being one in a family, an AA group, an organisation, a social group, a community or any other part of your life. Please feel free to share on this or anything else related to recovery from alcoholism.
August 25 : Practicing the Principles in All Our Affairs
For me, the Twelve Steps offer a "design for living" that means more than not having a drink or not using. Our new way of life in recovery requires us to change a lot of our old attitudes, perceptions, beliefs, and behavior by applying these Steps and program principles to our lives.
There is no "treatment plan" other than working the Twelve Steps. All sponsors can do is share their experience, strength and hope concerning their own recovery. The Twelve Steps are about spiritual growth, not therapy. A sponsor is not our therapist.
To work a Step means to understand its principles and apply them to daily living. The term "work" is appropriate because the process involves a lot of effort.
According to AA cofounder Bill Wilson, their author, the Twelve Steps "are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole."
Today my path is the Twelve Steps. They are the heart of recovery. To work the program is to work the Twelve Steps. Applying them means practicing them in ALL my affairs - - --actually living them!
The principles of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous (Steps) are:
Step one: Surrender - honesty
Step Two: Hope - faith
Step Three: Commitment
Step Four: Honesty, soul-searching, courage
Step Five: Truth - integrity
Step Six: Willingness - acceptance
Step Seven: Humility
Step Eight: Reflection, willingness, judgment, compassion
Step Nine: Amendment, forgiveness, balance
Step Ten: Vigilance, maintenance,perseverance
Step Eleven: Attunement - making contact; spirituality
Step Twelve: Service, gratitude, action
My HP places before me whatever it is I am to learn each day and points me to the principles that will help me in this task! This process never fails me as I trudge the road of happy destiny. I just have to be honest, open-minded, and willing to go to ANY length for my sobriety - --which is my life today!
If anyone wishes to know more about these principles and how they came about - --go in your search line on the net and type in "The principles of Alcoholics Anonymous" and click on the site that spells that out.
All I can relay to you is that this program works for me - - - --and I did not receive the total benefits until I had THOROUGHLY and HONESTLY worked ALL TWELVE of The Steps! In the first couple of years in the program I worked the Steps at MY convenience - - - -even starting out with Step Nine, as I thought I didn't need to do much more! I hurt a lot of people in this process, as I knew nothing about "how it works"! Basically I had to suspend what I thought I knew!
Also, I found that the first "go-around" of the Steps is basically understanding them conceptually. After that comes the practical application of the Steps in my daily living.
Today, when I am faced with any type of decision, and/or "opportunity for growth", I pause - --as is suggested in our Big Book ---- run it through the Steps, pray for guidance, then wait for the intuitive thought or solution to come through. Sometimes nothing becomes obvious ---so my answer is "do nothing" - --at this moment! One thing that remains constant is CHANGE! Today I know that nothing remains the same ---so tomorrow the solution may be placed in front of me - - --God's will - --not mine!
August 18 : Staying in the Moment
Hello ladies, with today being my belly-button birthday, I truly have to practice staying in the moment. Having a birthday was one of the worst days ever in my past since I knew it was a day that my mother regretted and has expressed this to me several times. On a daily basis, I have to use the tools of the program to keep me out of the bad neighborhood that exists between my ears.
I can sit and recall all the things that happened in my past and start to wonder why I am here. Then I can take that and start running the other way with it and start projecting into my future and start playing all these bad tapes through in my head as to how my life is going to take a drastic turn for the worse. I used to want to send a sympathy card to my mother each year for my birthday, but never did. I have been working on a project doing consulting work in Central NY where I grew up and it has taken quite an emotional toll on me and has tested me to stay in the moment.
This past Wednesday was my 13th anniversary of sobriety which is so much more important to me now. So as I sit here on the patio and just have a quiet time with me and God, I am trying to stay in the moment. I look around and see the birds, the sun in the sky, my wonderful husband that I adore with all my heart, our beautiful home, I am getting texts from my real family from AA saying happy birthday.
I received a call on Thursday that my project in NY is ending this coming Friday, and I will be out of work temporarily, but I am more relieved than upset, and then I can beat myself up for that, haha!! The sick mind of an alcoholic, so glad those call-out boxes or clouds do not exist above my head to show people what goes through my mind, really is a bad neighborhood up there at times.
I believe that any obstacle we go through is God trying to teach us a lesson and, rather than get down about it, I try to stay positive and focus on the lesson. I have a new family now in AA and I get the love and support that I have never had before... I heard before that God gives us friends to apologize for our families, and He truly does know what he is doing. I can't think about what happened yesterday or focus on what's going to happen next week... if I do that, then I am going to waste the precious time that I have right now, TODAY!
So I am asking you ladies to share with us how you stay in the moment? What tools do you use to accomplish this?
August 11 : 10th Step Promises
I was talking to someone earlier this week and mentioned that the 10th step promises became more important to me than the 9th step promises quite late in my recovery. During my early recovery I would gauge my progress by how many of the 9th step promises were coming true in my life. It does say before we were halfway through, and I guess I thought that meant when I got to Step 12 I was done. Not so. I have discovered that the steps are a continual part of my life and something that I live on a daily basis. The 10th step promises are also something that lives with me daily.Topic for the week:
The 10th step Promises ...
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
page 84 85 AA Big book
How are these promises working in your daily life? Share with us your experience, strength and hope please. Of course, if there is anything else that you need to share about please do so and I look forward to hearing from you.
August 4 : Ahhhhh! Thank You!
In the 80s there was a pet rock craze. One time, while waiting to knock on a friend's door, there was a rock by the door. It said:
"Please turn me over." Hmm. I looked around to make sure no one was watching. I felt silly. But I did it. The other side said, "Ah! Thank you!" How delightful I felt!
We talk about 'turning it over" all the time in AA. Until we turn it over, so to speak, we can't see what's on the other side. And yet we have such delight waiting for us when we do!
We talk about turning things over in our mind. Contemplating something we need to make a decision about. When we make the decision about what we are 'turning over' in our mind, we feel relief, grateful for the answer to our dilemm a. "AH! Thank you!"
Sure, we feel silly about it. We may even look around furtively to be sure no one is looking before we turn over the pet rock. But the relief! The delight!
After thinking about it, I turned the pet rock back over so that someone else could experience what I did. So like AA. We go on to show others how we 'turned it over." And the message we get? "Ah! Thank you!"
July 28 : Getting Over the Shame
Thank you for all of the well wishes on my 6 month birthday. I feel blessed to be sober and not craving a drink. It is truly a miracle. I am also grateful to my sponsor for her love and support especially during the early days of sobriety and my relapse. I am also grateful to all of you for your love and support during the last nine months.
Being sober is truly a blessing. I look forward to each day. I am productive, creative, loving and compassionate. But sobriety is also a journey that allows one to closely examine oneself. How many people get the opportunity to look inside and change who they are for the better? At times during my journey I have an overwhelming feeling of shame associated with the disease of alcoholism. It is not self pity, but sadness that I feel because I have let down those close to me. Have any of you had the same feeling? Have you overcome it? And if so, how?
July 21 : Annihilation
Today, our topic comes from this paragraph of "There IS a Solution," on page 18 of the Big Book:
"An illness of this sort - and we have come to believe it an illness - involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes the annihilation of all the things worthwhile in life.
It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list."
It's pretty clear which sentence dominates the paragraph. It's the one that called to me as I was hunting for a topic for this meeting. I thought about it for a long time, and decided this was it. TRUTH. Alcohol truly did annihilate everything that was worth something in my life, especially those I loved the most.
It took my most meaningful relationships and threw them in the trash; it took my license; it took my freedom; it took my pride and ground it into the dirt; it took control of my LIFE. And not just MY life, but my husband's life, my mother's life, my son's life. All who truly cared about me got pushed aside when alcohol came around, which, let's face it, was ALL the TIME. But, on the bright side, at least I can say "WAS."
I am currently sitting at 385 days, 12 hours, and 29 minutes. I have EARNED my One Year token and it feels amazing. I can't wait to add more to my collection. I keep them in my wallet and when I'm feeling low I pull them out and look them. I need to learn to do that when I'm angry, too. Otherwise I might end up letting alcohol take control and you know what that means: TOTAL ANNIHILATION. Because anger breeds resentments. And we can't let that happen. So I work my Step 4 like a BOSS and keep coming back.
This paragraph jumped out at me because it's HAPPENED to me. Has it happened to you? Please feel free to share your experience with this disease and how YOU annihilated it. Strong language for a strong substance. I love it.
July 14 : When it works
It doesn't matter how much time you've accrued in the program. Life can still reach up and bite you in the arse. I've learned this recently from personal experience. An aging and ill mother and a family of neurotic daughters have presented me with a most valuable lesson: it only works when I work it.
Since I moved from Virginia to Texas 1-1/2 years ago, I've been relaxing my work at the program of AA. Really backed off meetings, reading, contacting other sober people. The vast majority of my sobriety was linked to GROW - and that is the saving grace. But when the family s&^t hit the fan, I wasn't prepared. I wasn't on solid spiritual ground. It threw me for a very painful loop.
This is my history in AA. I work it, and things get good. When things are good, I think I can take a little vacation. Then things get bad. They can get real bad before I finally realize what I've done. When the pain gets bad enough, I pick up the tools again. Then, low and behold, things get better.
This week, I've been going to more f2f meetings. I've given out my phone number and picked up a few. I started working the steps again with a woman I admire greatly. I'm working it again. And I feel so much better. I'm no longer upset at the sisters. The pain is almost completely gone. Isn't it amazing what a difference it makes when I actually do what I preach!?!
So, that's what I'd like to hear from you wonderful women. What happens when you 'take a vacation' from the program of AA? And what do you do about it?
July 7 : Troubles of My Own Making
Monday made 8 years that I've been without a drink. That is staggering to me. It feels like I was just getting sober, yet at the same time I can feel the years behind me. What I have learned through those 8 years is that all my troubles were of my own making. Even now, when things come up, I can point the finger right back at myself. I'm the culprit. All those days for 15 years I made my own trouble. I feel like kicking my butt from here to the end of the street!
Knowledge that I caused my own problems is major. I stumbled through recovery for several years trying to get the hang of it. I surely didn't see that I was the problem at first. But once I finally did, wow! It was like the skies parted and I could finally see where I was going and I could see the plan and understand what AA was offering me. I realized I had to work on myself first before anything else. I certainly couldn't help anyone else until I'd worked on myself.
Now 8 years down the road I am grateful, so very grateful for my journey. I figured out A LOT and I took the steps to fix them. I couldn't wipe away all I had done to myself and others, but I could make amends, even daily amends for the wreckage of my past. I had to learn that I am responsible for my own life and if I didn't alter how I was living, thinking, and doing the problems would start all over again. The recognition that I caused my problems is KEY to my recovery, but it must be followed up with a change in behavior. That change results in different actions in my life and it results in a renewed me.
I'm grateful for each and every day under my belt. To have 8 years makes me tear up and leads my mind down the path of memories.not the memories of my pre-recovery life, but the path of memories of my life in recovery. I accept who I am, am proud of the immense growth, and am humbled by every day as well. From here on out I have to keep one foot in front of the other and keep living the Program. I must recognize that my life is what I make it and that it should be made up of joys and gifts not drunkenness and misery.
Have you come to the point where you recognize your problems were of your own making? What are you doing to fix that?