Weekly Topics - January - June 2013
June 30 : The Need to Change
The need to change Laura came to me through my HP and long-time AA members. Once I experienced the relief and blessing of not having to take a drink when I was happy, sad, glad, angry, upset, etc., the 'need' to change became a 'want' instead. As the saying goes, AA is not for this who 'need' it but for those who 'want' it and I wanted desperately what you had.
I couldn't change everything all at once, but by learning and working through the Steps with my sponsor and listening to those who came before me, I realized that I had to change many things about myself if I were to remain sober. Thankfully, I learned that ours is a lifetime program and that there is no graduation date because it will take more than a lifetime to change/remove some of my character defects.
What have I needed to change? Many, many, many aspects of my character; i.e. I had to admit that I needed help from others instead of being too stubborn to ask for it or to even admit that I needed help. I needed to accept myself for who I am and am still working on loving the person I am. A former sponsor of mine told me that every time I looked it the mirror, I was to say, "I love you" which would help me to change my opinion of myself (this one, I'm also still working on J.
The first thing I needed to do was to get help to stop drinking and my HP provided exactly what I needed. In sobriety, I have been able to build and maintain friendships and leave my drinking buddies behind. I needed to make time to listen and help others by giving away what was so freely given to me. I needed to become more health-conscious about what I put into my body and how I take care of it; i.e. quit smoking. I have had to follow instructions and advice given by healthcare professionals instead of dismissing them without even trying their suggestions (contempt prior to investigation?). I have become aware of and grateful for the many, many blessings I have received in my life.
I would not change the last 24 years of my life in sobriety for anything. I have slowed down quite a bit due to age and health reasons but due to the Grace of God and you people, I am sober today. The compulsion to drink was removed as soon as I became serious about getting sober. I have regained my self-confidence and self-esteem, and have learned a lot about what makes me tick, found my Higher Power who I call God, joined online AA groups, became a sponsor to a few, and found my niche in the AA way of life.
What changes have you been able to make so far in sobriety? How do you feel about these changes? Please feel free to share on this topic or on anything that may be troubling you. I look forward to hearing from each of you.
June 23 : Expectations, Escape, and Practicing These Principles
I've had this one year anniversary in my life before with this program, but the big difference is that this time I am now truly a "grateful" alcoholic. For some reason, it kicked in at some point in the last year that I am not being punished by the fact that I am "unable to drink like a normal person," but that I have instead been blessed with an affliction that spurs me, almost every day, to have spiritual and emotional growth.
Much of that is about the tools I am learning to address my "expectations," and "practicing these principles" on a daily basis. This is a focus of Chapter 6 and Step 12 (and kind of a continuation of last week's topic from Leona). We don't have to have "gone through" the other steps (I've realized we are never truly "done" with the steps, they are circular and need to be continually revisited) to use these words of wisdom on a daily basis to help our entire life feel more manageable and joyous. The following quotes help capture this topic for me:
"When we first read that we were to "practice these principles in all our affairs," some of us didn't understand. How could we use the Twelve Steps to deal with conflict in a personal relationship or a decision about buying a house? Gradually we realized that "practicing principles" means taking specific usable pieces of truth out of larger truths and applying the smaller principles to a different situation ..." - A Hunger for Healing, by J. Keith Miller, p. 196, 199, 210
"There is an old joke about the difference between a neurotic and a psychotic. The psychotic truly believes that 2 + 2 = 5. The neurotic knows that it is 4, but can't stand it. That was the way I lived most of my life, I could see how life was but I couldn't stand it. I was always feeling like a victim because people and life were not acting in the way I believed they "should" act." - Robert Burney M.A, http://joy2meu.com/Serenity.html
"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves."- Page 87 of the Big Book
I grew up taught to expect that if I was "good" and did "the right thing," then I would be rewarded (money, success, love, happiness). At some point during my early adulthood, I realized that this is not always the case. I could wake up every day and try hard and yet still not get what I thought I should. People don't always treat us right just because we treat them right. Money doesn't always come right away just because we work hard. Health isn't always ours just because we eat right and exercise.
Bad things happen. A lot of bad things have happened in my life (just like I know have happened to most all of us). In my early 20's I discovered that alcohol could help temporarily ease my disappointments. When drinking, I could "escape" for a little while. I could have "fun" and forget that I didn't have what I expected, or think that most recent bad thing hadn't happened. As long as I kept drinking, I was let off of my expectations and I wasn't responsible for whatever happened.
After many years of using this form of escape, I realized that alcohol was not a choice anymore - it was out of my control. It was making me fat, sick, and stupid, and it never really lasted long enough. The temporary escape was followed by pain, and I could not keep drinking enough to blot the disappointment away or I would die. I had to look for a different solution.
Through AA and study, I realized that my life was truly "not that bad" in the grand scheme of things, and I found *gratitude*. I'm still scared sometimes about money and losing everything, or seriously losing my health, but overall things are going pretty well. This last week was one where I was tested daily and my expectations had to constantly be adjusted.
I mentioned to a friend that things were overall pretty good but I was just "waiting for the other shoe to drop" (go bad again). She said, "Teresa, what if this good life now IS the other shoe? What if you are on a path that since life earlier dealt you so many bad things, now life will be good for you?" Hmmm. So I am thankful for "what is".
I've learned to use healthier options when expectations are dashed and the urge to escape arises. I now mostly use prayers, meditation, time in nature, time with family, friends, and others in this program, and positive activities like reading, writing, music, hobbies, and movement. Sometimes nutritious food, or a nap or good night's sleep is just what I need.
I've come to realize that while I cannot control things, people, or events, I can use my connection to my higher power and let go of the things I can't control. I can focus my energy every day to make the changes that I am able to make, so that my life is one where my expectations are realistic and positive, and I usually don't feel the need to escape. I am truly grateful for where I am today, and thankful for this opportunity to lead this topic.
So.my questions for you ladies to consider this week are:
- Which AA principles and practices are you using to manage your own expectations?
- How are you using this program to build a better life for yourself, so that you don't need to escape?
June 16 : Prayer, Meditation and Self-examination
For this week I have chosen the last paragraph of Step 11, page 105 of the 12x12 (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions).
The sentiments expressed about prayer, meditation and self-examination hit the nail on the head for me because those three activities interwoven for us and by us alleviate the awful loneliness deep in the heart of every alcoholic. The paragraph follows:
"Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We no longer live in a completely hostile world. We are no longer lost and frightened and purposeless. The moment we catch even a glimpse of God's will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice, and love as the real and eternal things in life, we are no longer deeply disturbed by all the seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs. We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter."
Please share your feelings and ideas about this section; for me it underscores the great meaning of spiritual over material values making truth, love and justice the real and enduring things in life despite seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us.
June 9 : HOW you work the program determines WHO you become
It takes honesty, open mindedness and willingness to become Willing, honest and open-minded.
Page 47 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
" When, Therefore we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God. This applies, too, to other spiritual expressions which you find in this book. Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you form honestly asking yourself what they mean to you. At the start, this was all we needed to commence spiritual growth. To effect our first conscious relation with God as we understood him. Afterward, we found ourselves accepting many things which then seemed entirely out of reach. That was growth, but if we wished to grow we had to begin somewhere."
For me - I was told to stop fighting, everything and everyone. That mostly meant I had to stop fighting me. I had to give up my preconceptions and my "belief system' After all, look where it got me. . LOL. I find this paragraph was very important to me to "make a start" on my spiritual journey.
It gave me permission to examine, and explore. It gives me permission to evolve and change. It gives me permission to throw out what isn't working. If it don't feel right, chuck it out. I tried to be a good Christian, I listened in church, heard the hypocrites on the church steps even louder. It felt wrong, and uncomfortable. I searched for a spiritual solution in alcohol, pot, and other things ... I took a very long road to get here, demoralized and shunned by my family and friends.
I held on to my belief system until I was in so much pain I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to start asking questions. I had to become honest enough to be open- minded and pain will make me willing every time. The relationship that has grown out of the exploration that I started with drugs and alcohol, has led me full circle back to the "beliefs" and knowings I held true as a child.
Since we have so many new people struggling with a concept of a higher power and our topic last week that a psychic change is "necessary" to this new way of life, I thought we might discuss this paragraph. Let's see how willing we were to become honest and open-minded. I look forward to reading all your journeys.
June 2 : Personality Change
I am celebrating 1 year of continuous sobriety on June 3rd, 2013. I can honestly say it has been the best year of my life. I was at a f2f meeting Saturday morning and we were talking about sobriety being like a flower blossoming.
It doesn't matter how far down the scale you have gone, or how old or how young. Something that was once so closed off and buried has now opened up to greet the world. That is truly how I feel. It is spring and the flowers are all around me, not only in the natural world, but in the invisible spiritual realm.
One of my favorite pages in the Big Book is 567 & 568. My spiritual awakening has been about "the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism." I thought I was a pretty decent person when I came into the rooms. I just had a little drinking problem that could not be self-willed away. I had been lying to myself, of course.
I was so selfish, I couldn't even see that my biggest problem was me, not the alcohol. After a couple of weeks of meetings, my husband said to me, "I am really proud of you. I like the changes you have made." I didn't really understand at the time what was going on inside of me, but it was producing good results. Other people were seeing things in me I could not see. I went to 5 meetings a week during my first 3 months. I stayed close to the program and continue to do so.
I began to form a relationship with my HP that I call God. I realized I had been turned off by religion because of other people's opinions. It had nothing to do with God. This I learned by reading the bottom of page 568, "the principle of contempt prior to investigation." After I pushed aside all the opinions which I felt had been pushed on me, I began to realize I had never checked things out for myself.
Today I know that God loves me, as he loves each and every one of you. I have "tapped into an unsuspected inner resource." With the help of my higher power, I live in the essentials of recovery, willingness, honesty, and open mindedness, 24 hours at a time.
I heard a fellow alcoholic share recently, "This disease is about character defects." Then another chimed in, "Well I'm definitely a character, and I'm definitely defective. With AA, I'm a whole lot less defective than I used to be."
Please share about your own personality changes/spiritual experiences or anything on your heart.
May 26 : Coping with Wanting to Isolate
This meeting is a miracle! I am typing as my daughter sleeps next to me. She is 10 months old now and has been very ill all week. I was only able to get to one F2F meeting this week. But I can get to GROW no matter what is happening, and the fact that it's my week to kick off the meeting feels like my HP watching out for me.
I signed up to lead the meeting because I am still relatively new to GROW, and wanted to make myself "a part of." Before I started AA, I so wanted to feel a part of, but I didn't. Most of my life, I felt different and alone. I truly believe that I was born with the "ism" of alcoholism long before I picked up a drink, and that that "ism" told me I wasn't good enough and that I should isolate - the same mindset that tries to get me to isolate and drink today! And then I went to my first meeting, and I felt so loved and so comfortable.
The point is, the fact that I feel welcome in AA meetings - that I feel I belong and that I keep coming back - is nothing short of a miracle. We are people from all walks of life but who share a past and a hope for, a commitment to, a different future. I see this whenever a newcomer turns up - we are all thrilled for him or her, though we are strangers. Where else do we see that?
Of course, it is important to work on our part in this - continuing to attend meetings and helping newcomers feel welcome the way we felt welcome, and continuing to resist that isolating tendency in ourselves.
So my question for you all is - when you feel the need to isolate today, how do you cope with it? And (which is perhaps a related topic) how do you help newcomers today? Or, if you are relatively new, what keeps you coming back?
I ask this because I find that I still have that tendency to isolate in me, and I have to fight it - especially in the wake of postnatal depression. I look forward to hearing your experience, strength, and hope. Thank you so much for letting me share.
May 19 : Because I am Sober ...
This has been one of the most difficult weeks I can remember. It started with a major car repair, but that was only the start. My 85-year old mother, who has dementia, fell and shattered a femur. Emergency surgery was required. Yesterday, I spent several hours at the hospital trying to keep an agitated old woman in bed. It was very hard in more ways than one. This experience has brought to mind the mixed blessings of being sober.
Before this event, I was going to talk about all the wonderful things in my life that sobriety has brought. Now, it's more than that. It's the fact that I can be present in the most difficult times when before I would have been as far away as possible. Yesterday, the first thing I'd have done on leaving the hospital was buy a six pack. I'd have drunk myself into oblivion and then pouted the rest of the weekend.
Today, I can be present. I can be there when I am needed. I can also make mistakes. I know now that, if I had left the hospital earlier, my mother might not have become so agitated for so long. I didn't know. My sister had to tell me that long hospital visits are not good for her.
I made a serious mistake. But I am not beating myself up over it today. I can make mistakes, and it's okay. I am slowly learning to forgive myself, to show the same tolerance for myself that I would for anyone else. Now, THAT is a MIRACLE!!!
There are so many more blessing of sobriety. Courage is one. Courage to make a loan application. Courage to buy a house. Courage to retire. Courage to walk into a room where I don't know anyone.
Willingness is another. Willingness to try something new ... without booze. Willingness to listen to people and follow their advice. Willingness to keep my opinions to myself rather than start an argument. Willingness to sit in a hospital for five hours with a bat-s%^t crazy old woman. Willingness to leave. Willingness to entertain a new concept of God and to build a spiritual life.
Freedom is a big one. Freedom from slavery to a bottle or a pipe. Freedom to be who I am without fear of others' judgment. Freedom to live in the moment. Freedom from fear. Freedom to feel my feelings without letting them dictate my behavior.
Being sober has changed everything. But mostly, it has changed me. Today, because I am sober, I can live a relatively normal life with relatively normal relationships. Because I am sober, I have a longer life expectancy, a happier family, stability, and peace of mind. What more could I want?
What has being sober done for you?
May 12 : Practicing these Principles in All our Affairs & Thinking Things Through
In order for me to stay sober today, I must practice the 12 steps every day and invite my higher power into my life every day, and I try to be mindful to thank my higher power for the day sober and take an inventory at night. The only thing that I've been diligent about is working the 12 steps. The second thing is definitely asking my higher power to guide me. I do forget in the evenings to be thankful and that is something I need to work on.
For me today the way to be diligent in my program and to continue my sobriety is to remember to "practice these principles in all my affairs" and "think things through". I'm blessed to have had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps, and I try to carry the message to those still suffering in and out of these rooms. And practicing these principles in all my affairs means not just in the rooms of AA, but also out in the "real world".
In the past year- year and a half, I have had what others may look into my life and say, "plenty of excuses to drink and get drunk". In September 2011, I had emergency back surgery which was the second time in my life same area of the back. Seven months later while stopped to make a turn I was rear-ended subsequently having a second emergency back surgery on the same area this time much more serious having disc replacement screws and rods. That was May 22, 2012.
In December 2012, my mom had hip replacement surgery and had to take care of her. Talk about practicing these principles in all our affairs and standing by our 12th tradition, "placing principles before personalities" that was a true test of my sobriety, seriously!! I love my mother; however, she is a very difficult person to live with. After that, it kicked in my illness and I have been struggling ever since.
End of January, I was laid off my part time job I had been doing for the past 5 years. It is and was the only job I could do with my disability as it was from home, and I got to design the job around my needs. About that time, I was diagnosed with a rare disorder that I'm told has probably been misdiagnosed for many years. It at least explains why I've been feeling like my health has been declining. The good news is there is a possible solution for it which I am engaging and now. And I believe that HP took care of my job situation. I was going to have to resign. (HP works!!)
There were many times, especially when I was caring for my mom, when I was so broken down emotionally, physically, and spiritually that the thought of a drink pass through my mind. (Yes it is true, even with 20 + years, it still happens!) But that's exactly what it did it passed through. You see today I'm able to stop, pause, and "think things through."
There's been so much that has happened to me in my 20 years of sobriety that would bring a person to their knees. When things bring me to my knees, it's exactly where I need to be to ask my higher power for assistance. It's exactly where I need to be to think things through, "is it worth taking a drink over this? What will I feel like afterword, and what will it do to my health both mental and physical?" All of my answer is always points to absolutely NO WAY is it worth drinking over this.
I am not a complainer the only reason why I explained the top things was is just a snapshot of one year. I deal with so much more on a daily basis being physically disabled and having chronic illness, however drinking is just not a part of my life anymore, and thank HP nor is it an obsession. Over the last 20+ years the program has proven to me that if I choose to work the steps, invite my higher power into my life, practice these principles in all of my affairs and think things through - I can, have and hopefully always will be able to get through anything that life throws me sober. For me when the road gets rocky, I've learned to look for the solutions rather than live in the problems.
In the last year I've been more active in another 12 step program which deals with my chronic pain and chronic illness. The reason why I am mentioning this is that although chronic pain and chronic illness is a big part of my life, I am an alcoholic first and foremost. I've notice that in the past couple of months I've gotten very what I call "squiggly". The other 12 step program, although I'm very active in, I do service work, sponsor and what have you, does not and is not addressing what needs to be addressed and that is my alcoholism and behaviors.
Just because I stopped drinking doesn't mean I stopped being an alcoholic and this has been a huge reminder that I must stay diligent in my AA program. There was a time in my program when I went away from meetings, didn't have a sponsor, and I can tell you that I felt the way that I feel now. Sort of disconnected and acting as if I am "drinking (behaviors of negativity, discontent, etc).
I'm happy to say that I do have an AA sponsor, and it had been suggested that I up some meetings in AA hence wanting to go ahead and chair this meeting and hopefully start a commitment to start sharing here and making my online meetings for AA.
I'm also very excited to report that my back surgery appears to be successful, and I am able to get to the computer better than I had before. I'm not quite ready to be able to make face-to-face meetings; however, I hope to be held to do that by the end of the year. I am left with some perm. damage to the nerves and such, but am learning to live with it. Thank HP for online fellowship and meetings! No excuses for sure!
So as for a topic, I originally had the second part of the 12th step in mind, "practicing these principles in all our affairs;" however, I also seem to have talked about, "thinking things through". When I look at the two together I guess they go hand-in-hand at least for me. So I look forward to hearing your ESH (experience, strength and hope) on one or both of those subjects.
May 5 : We will love you until you can love yourself
I didn't know why I drank when I came into AA. I drank to feel, I drank not to feel, I drank because it seemed to be the answer but I didn't even know what the question was. By the end of my drinking, all I knew was that I drank because I had to. I truly believed alcohol was my lifeblood. I thought it was keeping me alive.
I've often heard it said in the rooms that we stop when the next thing we have to lose is more important to us than alcohol. The next thing I had to lose was my life, and I was getting to the point where I didn't think I was worth saving.
Numerous overdoses, where I took dangerous amounts of painkillers after a night of drinking, and didn't know whether I'd wake up the next day, were a daily part of my life. I was constantly suicidal, in and out of emergency psychiatric units and didn't really expect to make it past the age of 26.
I'll never forget the love and kindness that was shown to me right from the moment I walked through the door of my first meeting, even though I would burst into tears whenever someone was nice to me. It felt so alien, so wrong. I just didn't believe that I deserved to be treated so well after all the bad stuff I'd done through my drinking.
It was that kindness that kept me coming back - the glowing smiles from people who seemed so content, the people who gave me a hug when I was in the depths of despair, the people who encouraged me to share what was going on for me and the people who said 'come back next week'. I felt safe, I felt like I was being held.
A woman in AA once described the 'razors stabbing my soul' and how I needed the spiritual equivalent of lavender balm to begin to heal the wounds of my past.
Even though I was sober, I was so full of self-hatred. And without the alcohol to cover it up, I had no escape from it. I felt so far from being happy, joyous and free, and so I needed a new solution that couldn't be found in a bottle.
My experience of working the steps with a sponsor, talking to other alcoholics, attending regular meetings and committing to the program has been just the 'lavender balm' I've needed. I've been given the time, the understanding and the love I need to feel like a worthwhile person.
When I first heard someone in a meeting say 'we will love you until you can love yourself' I laughed. The concept was completely alien to me. But as I get further into recovery, I'm beginning to be able to accept myself exactly as I am, and even finding that I quite like some parts of myself.
I have learnt - I am enough.
I do my best to treat myself and others with the same loving kindness and compassion that was shown to me today. Even if it's just a smile, a hug and a 'welcome' to a newcomer who is going through the same agonising self hatred and despair. Someone might just come back because of it.
April 28 : Dealing with Resentments
from "As Bill Sees It" p. 39
"Resentment is the Number One offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have also been spiritually ill. When our spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.
In dealing with our resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions, or principles with whom we wer angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened."
"The most heated bit of letter-writing can be a wonderful safety valve- providing the wastebasket is somewhere nearby."
1. Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 64-65
2. Letter, 1949
I'm grateful to be here and grateful for all of you. I have been quiet and haven't been posting for quite some time. This is good that I am chairing as it forces me to actively participate. I always read all of the posts and am grateful for each of them. To be honest, I have been very overwhelmed with reading all of the posts, because I also participate in another online AA women's group besides GROW. Then I get down on myself, because I have trouble keeping up. Before I know it, I have another resentment brewing which leads me to the topic/reading that I chose.
I am feeling pretty angry at this time, because I have some resentments. Some of you may know that I relapsed again three weeks ago. At that time, I wasn't going to many meetings, and I was having some resentments towards my work and some of the people that I work with.
I also had stopped working on my 4th Step. I completed my first 4th Step last summer with my previous sponsor. I have no problem doing another 4th Step inventory with my current sponsor. Since my relapse I've been going to more meetings - just about daily. I'm going to women's only meetings, and I have changed my location of where I go to meetings. I have to drive over 30 minutes to get there, but I feel that it is well worth it. There was a lot of rain and flooding which resulted in road closures. As a result, I couldn't get to my meetings - there was absolutely no way of getting there.
Instead of going to other meetings somewhere else, I chose not to go. Not a good idea. I missed a few days of meetings but doubled up on some of the other days. I'm now back to going to my regular meetings - the roads are now open! Well you can imagine that I was resentful about the roads being closed.
Today I have a resentment towards my husband. You see, he called me to see where I was - he just got home, and I was doing an errand. I answered it while driving, and I got pulled over by the police. The town I live in has a hands-free cell phone law while driving. I got a ticket (my first in many years) and have to pay $120! Not only do I have some resentments, but I am also upset with myself!
I feel very overwhelmed and anxious at times and have such a hard time prioritizing and getting things done. There are so many things that I want to do: lose weight, start exercising, dog training for my three beagles, put away Christmas decorations, work on my 4th Step, read the Big Book, go to meetings, etc, etc! I know that my sobriety has to be Number 1 - I do know that, and I do want that!! I am so sorry ladies to be all over the map and rambling! I have such a hard time putting my thoughts in writing!
How do you deal with resentments? How do you prioritize and get things done? I feel like I still have this spiritual malady that I just can't seem to overcome. How have you overcome the spiritual malady? I look forward to reading your shares! Thank you so much for reading all of this! I am very grateful to be of service!
April 21 : Dr. Bob on Humility
Two years ago while my job, my family, my health, and my sanity were all in jeopardy from my drinking and drugging, I realized my bottom as I found myself cold-heartedly calculating if it was better to carry out my own suicide or follow through on my plan to murder my husband. I did not feel that I had any other options, so I believe God put his finger on me right then and turned me towards AA one last time, where I found myself in an online women's email group like this one. The support from those women just amazed me! I found my sponsor there, and even though she lives 2000 miles away from me, it works!
Despite the distance, I believe it works because we are both willing: she has always been willing to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous and tirelessly share her experience, strength, and hope with me, while I, for the first time in my life, have been willing to listen and follow directions no matter what I thought about it.
I immersed myself in AA online and locally and knocked myself out to follow directions because I was terrified of what I might do if I drank again. I learned that my problem is that I have alcoholism, a three-fold disease (physical, mental, and spiritual), that I have an allergy to alcohol, and that when I drink I compulsively want more no matter what the consequences might be or what my intentions were not to drink again after the last time I sobered up; I am powerless over alcohol.
I learned that the solution to my alcoholism is not in my hands; it is in my Higher Power's hands to restore me to sanity, but I have to be willing to ask for the help and do the work. My sponsor taught me to pray on my knees first thing every morning and ask my Higher Power to please keep me sober that day, and then thank my Higher Power on my knees again last thing at night for keeping me sober that day. I did not really understand what was happening, but I followed directions, and the miracle was that for the first time in my life I was staying sober!
I will never forget when I was about a month sober I was going to drink over a family drama early one morning. It was too early to call my sponsor, and I sure wasn't going to call anyone else, so I had one foot out the door with my car keys in my hand to go buy a bottle of vodka when I realized that if I talked to my sponsor she would tell me to get down on my knees and pray for my Higher Power to please keep me sober.
I really didn't believe it would work, but I went into my bathroom, locked the door, got on my knees and really prayed for the first time in my life; I begged God to please, please keep me sober! It was an amazing experience, and when I stood up I did not have the compulsion to drink anymore! It has become my truth now that I have never drank any day, any time, any place when I have asked God to please keep me sober--it is a relief that I do not need to worry about drinking today, so long as I keep following directions!
My favorite line in our Big Book is "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." I really thought I was too sick to get well when I got here this time, but I took that line to the bank when I surrendered first to following my sponsor's directions and then to my Higher Power as we worked the steps.
I think the beautiful thing about this program is that my experience is not unique, it can be duplicated by anyone who gets a sponsor and just follows directions. There is not one area of my life that has not been markedly changed for the better as a result of immersing myself in this program!
I love all of the AA literature, but by far my favorite reading is about humility in "Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers." When I am in meetings in my home group, they usually pass the reading to me to read because they know how much I love it. Here it is; I hope you get as much out of it as I do.
"Christ said, 'Of Myself, I am nothing -- My strength cometh from My Father in heaven.' If He had to say that," Dr. Bob asked, "how about you and me? Did you say it? Did I say it? No. That's exactly what we didn't say. We were inclined to say instead, 'Look me over, boys. Pretty good, huh?' We had no humility, no sense of having received anything through the grace of our Heavenly Father.
"I don't believe I have any right to get cocky about getting sober," he said. "It's only through God's grace that I did it. I can feel very thankful that I was privileged to do it . . . If my strength does come from Him, who am I to get cocky about it?"
On his desk, Dr. Bob had a plaque defining humility:
"Perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble.
It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore;
to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing
done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises
me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a
blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the
door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace,
as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about
is seeming trouble."
(Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, p. 222)
Please share about anything I have touched upon and especially please about Dr. Bob's plaque defining humility, for it describes the way I try to live my life sober, and it always does me good to hear how you try to live your life sober! Thank you for my sobriety today!
April 14 : Letting Go
I am a grateful alcoholic. Isn't that an oxymoron. How can anyone be grateful for a deadly. disease that nearly destroys everything in its path. However I am truly grateful.
My higher power never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself. By the grace of my higher power I am alive today. I understand now why it is important to give away what I received because it is in giving that I truly do receive. It is one of those many paradoxes of our program.
It reminds me of a special prayer...the peace prayer or the St. Francis prayer which too is about the paradoxes in life:
Lord, Make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
Where there is discord, harmony.
Where there is error, truth.
Where there is wrong, the spirit of forgiveness.
O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console.
To be understood as to understand.
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Our program offers nothing new only a way for us to live life on life terms. The other prayer which is inscribed on our chips and truly inspires me is the Serenity Prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Bill W once said, "Never had I seen so much A.A. in so few words". It is so true. The amount of courage it took for me to take that very first step to admit, to surrender that I am an alcoholic, that I was not in charge...was intense, to say the less. I was in an hopeless and lifeless state of mind and as someone said "the over-reliance of self blocked me from the solution".
Even in the BB on page 62 ".[the alcoholic] is an extreme example of self-will run riot". I was. I was scared to let go. I was trying to survive the only way I knew.
Not one of us realize the amount of strength we have until we actually do the work. For me I wanted to recoil because the intense pain and inadequacies I felt I couldn't do it however somehow my higher power believed in me more than I did myself.
So what is this higher power? No one has ownership over it or can package it. Whatever belief or non-belief we may have, it does not matter...it is so different for you and for me. For me when I surrendered and let go...I open myself up to receive. My teachers are everywhere...in service, prayer, meditation, nature or on a busy street, even in the trenches of life. The opportunities for growth are there.
Lately, loneliness has entrenched itself deep inside me and this as we all know is truly a deadly recipe for any alcoholic. The intensively of it just radiates throughout my body and simple things trigger all the negativity within my soul. It is that feeling that I want to run from, to drown out, to deaden. As I spiral, I find myself wondering aimlessly doubting my every step.
Funny how easily that wanting to control the uncontrollable comes back. To take back that power I so freely gave as the point of desperation. By the grace of my higher power in helping other alcoholics, giving away the gift of life I received. I receive the gift of remembering where I came and where I am today and in doing so I gladly turn it over, I surrender. Like my many teachers, even a feeling of loneliness can become an opportunity to grow from.
My dear GROW sisters, we travel this path together. Please share your experience, strength and hope of letting go, accepting the opportunities of growth ... so that another can grow.
April 7 : "It's the gnats that get us"
I don't know about you gals but I have learned to walk through the big trials in my life with the lessons I have been taught in this program. Over the years there have been family deaths. Suicides of friends and a sponsee. Loss of dearly beloved pets. Financial losses. Illnesses etc. etc. etc. This program and good sponsorship has given me tools to handle these things. Reaching out, getting to more meetings, talking at depth about my feelings to God and another human being. Prayer and lots of it. Of course there is a grief process to go through and I usually go through all the stages until I get to acceptance, but I can do so with some degree of serenity and dignity.
Then here come the gnats I have to be somewhere and I am stopped at a light while it changes from red to green 3 whole times. Don't they *know* I have to be there. Someone does or says something that hurts my iddy biddy feelings and I brood and have conversations in my head and build up a good resentment. Then I get that knot in my stomach that tells me I have to go to that someone and make amends because I have usually said something bitter and sarcastic by this time. This absolutely can ruin a whole day when you let it, as I did recently when I got through the whole day until reading Page 86 when going to bed. I had to get up and go find my husband and make amends for my retaliatory comments which were cruel.
So ladies, how do you handle the gnats? Does the honesty and integrity learned in this program force you to come clean?
I look forward to your shares. Of course, please feel free to discuss what is troubling you. Glad that you are all here.
March 31 : Acceptance
Acceptance is the answer so I'm told by the wise ones who've gone before me. We have to accept used cars AS IS when we purchase them. All the flaws and all the good points have to be accepted. A used car is NOT perfect and never will be. It will always have something not quite up to snuff. So, we also have to accept ourselves AS IS, for we are not perfect … we have faults, flaws, gashes, and welts. We have good qualities and we have bad. We have bad times in our memory banks and good times. Why, oh why, are we so very reluctant to accept ourselves AS IS???
I think it starts with the fact that acceptance itself is hard. We want to be different people; we want a different past. We stomp our feet in protest, "Why should I have to accept myself?" It's actually really simple. If you ever want to heal, if you ever want to grow, if you ever want to move on, you must, must accept yourself. And that means accepting yourself just as you are. Sure you can improve on yourself, but the starting point is to accept your present self. Once you've done that you have the answer to the riddle … the key to the castle … the golden egg.
How do I know this? Because I've been there! I've crawled those roads, I've figured out the answer, and I've come out the other side. I spent a lifetime hating myself and not accepting a thing about me. I wanted it all changed. I fantasized about the person I really was … I escaped my misery with those fantasies. I was miserable until I worked the Steps and found the courage to accept the person I really was. Then, and only then, I could move on from my past and work on who I was. I'm still not perfect, like any used car, and I never will be. I have flaws. I just no longer have flaws that cripple me.
Have you accepted yourself AS IS? How did you do it? If not, can you?
March 24 : Trust
"You will be amazed before you are half way through." When I read that I think about my life, that I am amazed before I am half way through each day I live sober! Take for example that my husband and I could laugh together as the water began to drip/pour through our bathroom ceiling yesterday. We were grateful that we had a ceiling and that it only leaked in one spot! If that's not making lemonade out of lemons I don't know what is! (We knew this bathroom ceiling had an ice dam problem when we purchased the home, but as it was already covered in snow by the time we closed escrow we were just going to have to wait until Spring to repair it.) At any rate, my dear husband was on the roof in no time yesterday and cleared the dam of ice and snow so that all of the melting snow remaining on the roof no longer drains INTO the house!
OK, here is the TRUST part. The laughter was able to flow because I just knew that my God had it covered. I TRUSTED that He would lead us to the solution. It was not just an idea or a pinch hit prayer, I just knew to my core that everything would turn out perfectly! I happily dropped everything I was doing (I thought I was painting the OTHER bathroom this particular afternoon) hopped in the car and drove the 30 miles to the "salt store" for supplies. In the past, my old behavior would have made a big deal out of the leak (drama), made a big deal out of having to give up my afternoon agenda (martyr) made a big deal out of the drive (inconvenience) and probably figured out a way to blame the one I love for the ice dam! Good grief.
Happiness for me, is born of TRUST. I see faith as something in my head, an idea I suppose, and TRUST is an action I take and it is an action born from my heart. Many years ago while on a quest to increase that conscious contact with my Higher Power I was given a book titled "Ruthless Trust" . The first five pages of the book knocked my sox off! Today I know that there will always be "......an endless supply of pancakes." I know that "The most urgent need in my life is to trust what I have received" . And that it is not clarity that I need, in fact in the words of Mother Teresa; "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." When I was reading that quote in the book, a light went on for me.
I had been looking for clarity all my life. Clarity in the bottle, and then clarity in sobriety. What I realized was that I don't need to understand why I am living in a house with a leaking roof, I just need to TRUST that my Higher Power will lead me to the solution and that while leading me, He will put enough pancakes on my table.
So there you have my day in a nutshell. It has taken me 20 years of not drinking to get here! I would not change any of it. Nope, because again, that is the stuff that weaves the tapestry of who I am today. If I were to pull one thread from the past and discard it, the rest of me may completely unravel! I TRUST that all of it has happened for a reason and I no longer need to understand why. There is so much freedom in TRUST for me. Thank you for being a part of my sobriety!
March 17 : 'Pearls' of Sponsorship: What has worked for you?
I have heard vastly differing opinions on when you are 'ready' to be a sponsor, ranging from 'as long as you are one step ahead of them' to 'x' number of years. 'Sponsoring styles' also differ tremendously..... the amount of contact - "call me if you need me" to "call me every day"...... ways of doing the steps - '"follow the outline in the big book" to the in depth Hazelton style.....and the relationship with your sponsee - best friend, impartial advisor or something in between. Having frequently read the chapter 'Working with Others' in the Big Book I chose this topic to tap into the wealth of experience that I know is within this group and also to help new and newer-comers like myself with the growing pains of this aspect of our recovery.
I know there will be many differing views and encourage them all to be shared in this non-judgemental forum, where we learn from each others' ESH. I also invite shares on specific 'sponsee issues' we may be dealing with as sponsers that may be helpful to others when answered to the group as a whole, keeping in mind the importance of preserving the anonymity and confidentiality of our sponsees.
So there is our topic, and I have nothing to offer on the 'what has worked for you' section but would like to start the ball rolling with a sponsee question.
I have just reached the two year sober mark and have had my first sponsee for about 6 months. It was both an exciting and scary prospect to take on the role of sponsor, and has been both a rewarding and frustrating process. I have experienced the lessening of the focus on self as I work with another alcoholic but have also found myself falling back into the role of 'director'; meaning, 'if my sponsee would just listen to me and do what I tell her to do she would do much better in her recovery.'
Even though I utilize my own sponsor's experience and strength there have been times I felt I needed a 12th step call for me from the group as I was so baffled on how to proceed! My sponsee and I are different in every way except for our experiences with the disease of alcoholism. I have struggled with how to respond to problems that, only by the grace of God, I have never faced and I wonder whether our differences are an obstacle to my sponsorship. As a first time sponsor I think I am probably willing to do more and accept more excuses than maybe I should. How do I find the line between enabling and helping?
I am excited to read your 'Pearls' as I believe that in everything we build our own style by 'taking what works for us and leaving the rest' of the experiences of ourselves and others.
March 10 : Firsts
Being new to sobriety, I find myself experiencing a lot of "firsts" without alcohol. It has been a step-by-step process, doing things for the first time without alcohol.
For example - the first time I had steak without the wine. It had gotten so that the steak was just an excuse to have the strongest wine I could get to go with the steak.
I love to walk in my woods. But it had gotten to the point that I walked in them mainly so I could drink the alcohol stashes I had out there.
Then there was the first time I went to a family gathering without being fortified with alcohol first. I hate those gatherings, because I never really fit in with my family, even as a young girl. Eventually, I could not face them without drinking first, and hiding some to drink while there.
Grocery shopping is another thing I did alone so that I could buy all the alcohol I wanted and hide it before I got into the house. Just after I stopped drinking in August, I got deathly ill and it was a long time before I could drive myself. I remember going grocery shopping alone not long ago, and freaking out when I passed the alcohol section. It was like looking at a rattlesnake!
So, about how to do those firsts without alcohol. I have made myself focus on the moment of the first. The first steak without wine, I made myself focus on the smell, the texture, the taste, the beauty of the steak. I love iced tea, so I made myself think about the taste of the tea with the steak and how it actually let me enjoy the taste of the steak better than the wine did!
The first walk in the woods without alcohol was a little scary. Not because of the woods - I have never been afraid of the forest. What I found that I feared was the exquisite sounds, colors, smells that I now experienced for the first time in years! It was almost overwhelming! So I focused on just a foot in front of me. Just that tree. Just that one bird. Just the next step on the path.
And the first family gathering? I wore something that pleased me. I put on my favorite fragrance. At the gathering, I focused on one person at a time and let myself really see them and really listen to what they were saying. I refused to let myself dwell on past feelings. I stayed only in the moment. Each moment. I took a lot of photographs to stay busy and to watch family members interact with one another.
Grocery shopping has become a joy now, as I peruse all the aisles and enjoy choosing products. I still feel a little weird going by the alcohol aisle - so I make sure to look the other way and focus on some product or display and truly SEE it and process it - not the alcohol display.
I guess what I am saying, bottom line, is ALLOW the first to happen. Breathe deeply and focus on each moment of the first. Remember, as you experience a first without alcohol, what that activity was like when you were drinking - how it turned out, how self-centered or angry or whatever you were when you did it drunk.
With each first, I am seeing what I was missing when drinking through it. I am now grateful to actually be in the moment without the drunken haze that hid so much from myself.
Share the first without someone who knows that it is a first for you. Tell someone before you do it, and process it afterwards. My sponsor has been great, as has my husband and adult daughter for me to do this with.
March 3 : Practicing these Principles in All our Affairs
I have been a lurker for quite some time now and I really have no excuse except fear. There have been numerous times when I have felt the need to share but always I have managed to convince myself that what I wanted to say was irrelevant or something that had already been said or even on occasion thinking that no-one would care to hear what I have to say especially because I have lurked for so long! I took on the lead because I knew that way I would share and maybe break the cycle in my head!
What I would like to talk about is how we go about practicing these principles in all of our affairs. This has come up for me in terms of honesty. It can sometimes be easy to behave and talk a certain way when face to face with AA people, but what am I like when away from the meetings or with people who don't have a clue I'm in AA?
Am I still scrupulously honest or do I whitewash my dishonesty calling it 'little white lies'? Do I cheat the shop assistant wherever possible? I have to admit that my own brand of honesty makes it impossible for me to steal anything even 'accidentally'. I take back to the shop anything I find after I leave! (Which is very easy for me to do as I'm in a wheelchair and often I pile things up on my lap and when I get to the checkout occasionally things fall down into the cracks).
Do I justify my anger? Do I disagree with people, insisting that what I believe is the only way or that I'm right and therefore you must be wrong? Do I gossip? Oh yes, and disguise this with a, I don't usually talk about others but have you heard? Or, did you know? Am I self-supporting or do I insist others bear my costs because they earn more than me or they're luckier than I? Am I controlling? Do I swear? Do I indulge in self-pity? Am I a glutton? Do I get jealous and hurtful or spiteful with it? The list goes on.
What I do to combat all this is write a journal with meditation, prayer and AA reading. Although I have to admit that I have only recently taken this up again after an absence of some months. The thing that had become apparent o me was I was not practising these principles in all of my affairs.
So, I would love to know how other women in GROW "practice these principles", and what tools you may use to help.
February 24 : Attitude of Gratitude
This week's topic is gratitude in our lives. What are you grateful for in your life?
Contemplating things we are grateful for in our lives increases our blessings and makes us realize how blessed we are. I was told early on in sobriety to make a gratitude list every night before going to bed and list ten things I am grateful for.
Although some days it was hard to find ten things to list, I did it anyway and found that once I got started, it was hard to stop at ten things. I could list many more! It changed my focus from thinking how awful things were ( an attitude of self-pity) to one of realizing that my life was pretty darn good.
Please share how an attitude of gratitude has worked in your life and share some of the things you are grateful for in your life.
February 17 : Terminally Unique
What a great time of year for this alcoholic, remembering my first days in this awesome program and being so grateful for all those who helped me so much.
One thing that comes to mind is being gently told & sometimes not so gently that I was not unique. If I wished to be "terminally unique" the chances of my drinking again were darn near 100%.
Terminally unique is an alcoholic's idea that their "uniqueness" exempts them from some part of the AA program or the Twelve Steps. AA does not deny that each individual is a unique creation. However, as alcoholics we have far more similarities than we have differences. It is unwise to focus on the differences. There is an expression sometimes heard in AA which seems appropriate, "Always remember that you are unique -- just like everyone else."
This was an important lesson for this alcoholic that I try to keep fresh in my mind. When I say yada yada but.......then I know I need a refresher course and / or a kick in the butt on being honest!
I would love to hear how all of you have approached "being unique."
February 10 : Going on a Guilt Trip? Who's Your Travel Agent?
We ALL have them: guilt feelings! They center around pretty much the same old things for everyone, even as alcoholics. Guilt about parents, guilt about parenting, guilt about things we've done (or not done), guilt about not doing enough (at work, at home, for someone, etc.), guilt about our failings, and so on and so on and so on.
We often finding ourselves saying things like, "S/he sends me on a guilt trip..." But, really. WHO sends you on that guilt trip? Your mother about all you didn't do right? Your kids about your failure as a parent? Your boss for work less than stellar by his/her standards? Your husband? Brother? Friend? Neighbor? The bottom line is, we are our OWN guilt trip travel agent! WE listen to them, and WE decide to go on that trip. WE decide all the time to listen to the stuff that 'sends us on a guilt trip." But, in truth, we go searching for those trips ourselves when we allow ourselves to be convinced to go.
So. That means we can also decide NOT to go searching for those destinations by not being around those who seek to send us. If we cannot avoid them, we can choose not to listen, or at least not to be sold on the trip. EVERYBODY is guilty of SOMETHING. But we don't have to exhaust ourselves by continually travelling those roads. We can go down new roads to new destinations; take detours off the old, too-traveled paths. We must consider new destinations of our own choosing, and then bravely step into the mode of travel that will take us there.
February 3 : Discovering Your Understanding of Your Higher Power
Yesterday at my f2f meeting we discussed step 2. So the subject of God as we understand him came up. This has never been an easy topic for me. One member shared that when he got sober he claimed to be an atheist but he was so angry at God that he wasn't an atheist because if he was that angry at God he had to believe in him so.... not an atheist. I never claimed to be an atheist but when I walked in I thought God wanted me dead. That was my best thinking drunk. Hard to ask for things from a power that I didn't think want me alive.
So at first I was told to borrow my new AA friends' Gods. They told me their HP loved me and wanted good things for me and would keep me sober just for today. They said it didn't matter what I believed about HP at that moment because their HP worked, they were proof of that. It was a start.
They taught me to pray, when I said I couldn't remember to do it in the mornings they told me to put my shoes under the bed and when I got up in the morning when I went to get my shoes from under the bed ask HP to keep me sober that day, and when I went to put my shoes under the bed at night thank HP for keeping me sober that day. I did it because I trusted them more than me at that time.
Over the years I have struggled to define what I believed HP to be for myself. I have searched and read many things, but I also made sure that I kept an open mind and continued to work the rest of the steps to the best of my ability.
I have tried on many religions over the years and learn about what others believed asking myself if that fit what I believed to be true about my HP. I have let go of many old ideas, including that God wanted me dead, although there are still days when it's hard for me to believe that HP wants good things for me and that is when I go to the HP with skin, the fellowship of AA, to remind me that HP does want good things for me today if I surrender my will (definition in dictionary: used to express desire, choice, willingness, consent).
Since no step can be worked with anything like perfection, this journey is a process that continues. This is all a spiritual journey. Ask me on any given day what I believe my HP to be and it will change from day to day. So the question is not what I believe so much as what am I doing to define my HP that day.
So how are you currently discovering your understanding of your higher power. What are you doing to define HP in your life today?
January 27 : The Family Afterward
I have 3 grown daughters, 26, 25, 23....amazing, brilliant, dear, kind, beautiful through and through young women. It says in Chapter 9 of the BB, pg 123, " It will take time to clear away the wreck. Though old buildings will eventually be replaced by finer ones, the new structures will take years to complete."
The girls needed to share about certain things from the past....not asking for anything from me except to listen. They asked about Step 9 and amends and we talked about that as well. They asked questions about AA and recovery in a way they never did before. We cried, I cringed some, they were fervent at times, well, all sorts of emotions. It felt like heaven and hell at varying times.
Having the girls (each in their own way) share what they needed to, feel what they needed to, was a miracle ladies, a miracle....yet another step in our healing as a family and in their healing as magnificent women.
Having a program that I work on a daily basis, a sponsor that I am extremely close with and work my program with, a strong relationship with HP, and strive to use a variety of our recovery tools one day at a time, (and all of this is what I was taught like all of us!), it was ok, more than ok....listening to others is a gift of this program as well and knowing that everyone has their own path to follow and it isn't all about me. (whew!!) Healing is a verb and we were taking action as a family!
January 20 : Journey from Self-hate
When I was drinking no one, and I mean no one, could hate me as much as I hated myself. This hate was fostered when I was a child growing up without my father and with a venomous stepfather. The world wasn't much less venomous. I was smart, tall, and wore glasses, so I was constantly made fun of by my peers and strangers. I tried to put up a good front, but inwardly I was full of festering hatred for myself. Becoming an adult and beginning to drink to excess made the situation so much worse. I would look in the mirror and scowl. I was literally disgusted by what I saw. I'm not an ugly person yet inwardly I was hideous.
Time went by and I became this hideously deformed creature and the hatred bubbled to the top of the surface. It was now peppered in my words, actions, and expressions. I kept losing friends. I was so alone. I spent years in turmoil. I couldn't see one good thing about myself, not one redeeming quality. My misery made anyone around me miserable. They could see the hate. I couldn't. I was so blind to what it had been doing to me all those years and how it had contributed to my drinking. I had no self-respect, no self-image that was an iota positive. I'm unsure exactly when it happened; but, by some point I could no longer look at myself in the mirror.
All of this certainly contributed to my feeling I lacked worthiness to be saved. I felt I was right where I deserved to be. It took the love of a man, a man who saw who I really was and could be, to knock sense into me. His love made me put down the margarita and say, "That's it. No more. I want more than this. I need help." I sought out help in AA and immediately felt something I had never felt in all other groups: acceptance. Acceptance for me exactly as I was. I was in tears. I'd never, never felt accepted in my entire life. It took until age 36 before I felt it. Then I learned about the Steps and how they are used to retrain our brain and attitudes. I learned in sobriety I could learn to like myself. I'm afraid I didn't believe that at first and for a while. I had SO much hatred!
In time I became a new person.a person I truly like and love. I can look at myself in the mirror now and even smile. I've come so far it's bringing me to tears. All the misery is gone and replaced with love and joy. I have bad days like anyone; but, I never dislike myself. I'm no longer ugly inside and what's brimming on the surface now is happiness, true happiness. God is responsible for that, fully and completely. And I'm grateful for my first sponsor who accepted me and included me in her little group of women. She taught me so much and stays with me today.
What has your journey been like?
January 13 : Balance
Living a sober life turns out to be far different for what I thought a life-without-alcohol would be. It is a whole lot more fun than I would have believed back in the early days. It contains way too many choices, positive choices, than I would ever have believed possible and it seems I still have my training wheels on for that aspect.
I believe in service-to-AA and routinely do my part to do coffee and chair each of my regular meetings during the year. Then the chance to contribute service to our local annual Women's Day In Recovery event became a choice so I added that for the past four years. Our district lacked an Answering Service Chairperson a little over 2 years ago, so I volunteered for that. I'm Treasurer for my Home Group and I took on being "Literature" chair for a different meeting.
Bet you can see where I'm going with this. The upshot was I had no down-time left for anything spontaneous. I began to dread having to go anywhere, especially in winter, so all my AA service stopped being a joy. My internal "forgetter" works more generally than I would have guessed because I did not see that doing too much - of anything - is being out of balance.
So I rotated out of Answering Service chair, and Literature person, and Event participation all by the end of December. I'm into my second week of "normal" living and it feels odd. It feels like I'm slacking off. I'm in awe of how my alcoholic brain can twist healthy ideas into warped one.
There are many women in this group whom I've had the pleasure to meet in person, some whom I've gotten to know and value through their shares and all who teach me. If ever there were a group of sober women who understand the seesaw nature of 'balance' in a program of recovery, it is you.
So I ask, how do you balance all the priorities in your sober life to avoid getting tilted into harm's way of drinking?
January 6 : Your Go-to Mantra
I am sober today by the grace of God and the fellowship of AA. There are so many things I am grateful for when it comes to AA and my sobriety. The people, the experience, the strength and the hope. Also the amazing literature out there, as well.
I am a mom, wife, daughter, sister, employee, coworker and friend among other things. I am also an alcoholic and try to carve out time to make three meetings a week, as well as my three online groups, too. When the moment strikes and my thinking goes sideways on me, I am not always able to carve out time to sit down and open the Big Book.
So, I am especially thankful that I can draw upon the many wonderful one liners, if you will, that have come from those in the program. Many I've heard from my sponsor. Some of my favorites include: "How important is it?" "Would you rather be right or happy?" And my personal favorite, she is a big Eagles fan and she says she "strives for that peaceful, easy feeling." So I remind myself that I want that, too! It's these simple thoughts that can bring a sense of calm over me in seconds flat!
It is so important to make the time to read, meditate and pray to your HP. But when you're in a pinch, what are some of your "go to" mantra's!?