Weekly Topics - July - December 2012
December 30 : Explaining Not Drinking
Very soon, many of us will be in situations where drinking is more or less expected. New Year's Eve may be the drunkest day of the year. So how does a newly sober alcoholic explain why they're not drinking?
It's important to realize that we don't owe explanations to anyone. "No thank you" is a very short sentence. But when you're new to sobriety, it seems like a huge issue. Won't the people who know us wonder what's going on? After partying hard for many prior New Years, we may feel like everyone is noticing the change.
I certainly feared what people would say or think. I already felt like a complete failure because I had to stop drinking. I was already guilty and ashamed of my alcoholic behaviors. I was ashamed that I was an alcoholic. I was ashamed that I couldn't drink without making a fool of myself. I built the 'explanation' issue into a huge mountain that I just didn't think I could climb. So, I stayed home alone - and lonely - through my first New Years holiday.
What was useful for me was to hear what other alcoholics had done to explain their sudden change. Over time, I worked out my own personal - and very true - explanation: "It makes me sick." But my reason may not fit for everyone. Some people volunteer to be the designated driver - a wonderful way to both explain and stay sober!
For me, the short simple statement feels right. "I already have a headache" or "My stomach's upset" work well. "I'm allergic" is another good one - and very true. "I'm driving" is becoming more understandable these days. But there must be a hundred other ways to tell your friends you're not drinking.
There's one other aspect of the dilemma: making sure you don't get any booze by surprise. Bringing or pouring your own drinks is the best way to be sure there is no alcohol in your drink.
Sisters, how do/did you let people know you aren't in the booze business anymore?
December 23 : Staying Sober Through the Holidays
I am 48 Days Sober today and very grateful; however, I've been feeling some of the R.I.D. (Restless, Irritable, and Discontent) as we get closer to Christmas and the New Year. I not only have a drinking disease, but I also have a "thinking" disease. I have a disease that often tells me that I don't have a disease, and I have a tendency to minimize things; i.e. my drinking history.
I've been in AA for over four years, and so this will be my fourth year in a row of being sober during Christmas and New Year's. I thought by now that it would be getting easier, but I am still feeling vulnerable and feeling like an "outsider." I still get those feelings of wishing that I could drink- especially around the holidays.
As many of you know, I went back to outpatient treatment for five weeks and finished last week. I just completed my first week back to work. I feel really grateful that I am back to work, and that it went really well. As much as I feel that I received extra support at outpatient treatment and now have a new sponsor, I still feel like it's going to be difficult getting through Christmas and New Year's.
I plan on going to plenty of meetings before Christmas and New Year's. I will make phone calls to other women in the program and continue to talk to my sponsor every day. I will continue to pray and do my readings in the Big Book daily. I will have an exit plan in place in case things get to be too much for me, and I have to leave. My husband and children will be with me. I also will have another beverage that I can drink- maybe even bring my own to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. As of now, I don't have any plans for New Year's which may be a good thing.
I guess I also have to stop minimizing how bad things really had gotten when I was drinking. I need to "play the tape" over in my head. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to get this program, and a feeling of hopelessness comes over me. That's when it's time to get to a meeting and make a gratitude list.
I'm fortunate to be part of Gratitude Group via email and also via Skype. When I concentrate on being grateful for being sober another day and reach out to other alcoholics it puts things more in perspective for me.
I would like to know how you all have stayed sober through the holidays and/or how you plan on staying grateful during the holidays instead of wishing that you could drink and feeling sorry for yourself. I wish you all a wonderful holiday season and all the best for a happy, healthy, and sober new year.
December 16 : YOUR spiritual journey
It was my birthday this week, thirty years of sober living- that amazes me actually lol I truly can remember being overjoyed at having three weeks under my belt and, well, one YEAR was just awesome And to date, one year has to have been the best one --simply in virtue of having a whole year..mind-blowing for me! Gratitude oozing out of me, just to be fresh out of and living free from the nightmare I had been in drinking . . .
My connection to a Power greater than me began early on in sobriety - in fact, right from the start. And today I know I wouldn't be safe, sane and sober (as Clancy likes to say) with that Power in my life - it's an ongoing connection, a vital one.
My experience led me back to the religion of my youth. Different, mind you, than when I was a youth, because I was and am able to question and move freely within the spiritual path I choose. Others around me in the Fellowship led by example, guiding me into being able to look at all I had been taught, casting away all that didn't 'sit right' with me (sometimes, at a later point, I would find myself revisiting and consequently accepting some of the things I had earlier on thrown away). Bear in mind, I was and am a recovering Irish Catholic taught by Dominicans hehe....a survivor I am ..so much of what was conveyed to me then I have discarded. Many things that were said mean something totally different to me today, having been taken out of the harsh clothes of Irish Catholicism that the nuns served us up.
My reading of spiritual books began. I remember one having a profound influence -- In Tune With The Infinite by Ralph Waldo Trine -- I saw for the first time how love was an actual power, an energy, a force. How we are all connected as part of nature...My whole spirit exulted in this! Reading a biography of John Lennon too had a profound effect on me. My readings were diverse. Came To Believe - our own wonderful publication--opened my eyes to what others were doing. So many more -- John Powell's Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am.
If truth be told, my prayer life could do with a bit of reinvigorating at the moment. I'm being challenged in many ways lately, and my spirit is sagging, even though I am involved in service and F2F meetings and sponsoring --in other words, doing what the Book suggests.
I would love to hear about *your* journey, your insights, whether you're a week sober or a decade. Are there any books have left you feeling inspired, excited? Are you having spiritual awakenings in little ways - big ways? Has your idea of your Higher Power changed as you've journeyed into sobriety?
December 9 : Honesty
Growing up, my father was very strict, and he always raised us kids to always be honest no matter what the consequences might be for doing or saying something we shouldn't have. I do not know if my parents had some sort of way of seeing inside of us kids or what but they could always tell when we were not telling the truth. It took me awhile to realize that but, once I did, I saved my bare ass many times for being honest. I tried raising my two daughters the same way, but I do know there were times that they were not completely honest.
When I came into the program, I just knew I was a very honest person so that was not a problem for me. Than I did my 4th & 5th step with my sponsor and realized I was not always the perfectly honest person I perceived myself to be, and not only to myself but others also. I was totally dishonest about my drinking and even got to the point where I would hide an extra 5th so I wouldn't run out. Throwing empty bottles in the woods so I wouldn't have to put them in the garbage and anyone would find them and know how much I was drinking.
I do not nor ever have wanted to hurt peoples' feelings, so I was never completely honest with them when asked a direct question. I would maybe tell some little white lies. I stole money and cigarettes from where I worked but felt so guilty would pay it back. It was never a lot, but it was the fact that I did it and that was very dishonest. Today, I sometimes get myself in trouble with my children because I won't lie to them and yet, if it's something that I know will cause trouble, it makes me very uncomfortable and they know it every time. So today I let them know not to tell me anything they don't want the other one to know because I will not lie.
It's very confusing sometimes for me to honestly know how to handle certain situations where telling the truth can cause so many problems and hard feelings. I have recently gone through a situation like that, and it's a situation where I don't feel it's anyone's business. So how do you gals handle different situations where you know this program is a program of honesty but something happens you don't feel comfortable being totally honest about it.
December 2 : FEAR
I once heard that the word FEAR stands for Failure Expected And Received. I have allowed fear to rule my whole life. When I am fearful, I shut down. I believe I can't do it, I'm scared to try, and I become hard on myself for thinking I can't do something.
When I open my mind and heart to my higher power, HE guides me through the rough terrain. When I work through my fears, I look back and wonder what was I afraid of??? :)
As many of you know, I recently had a medical issue that made me fearful...but by discussing it, getting more information about it, and lots of prayer, my fear was almost nonexistent. When they took my blood pressure before the procedure, it was the lowest it has ever been, something like 112/70. The nurse was amazed and I told her I'd been praying a lot!
How have you dealt with fear?
November 25 : The Serenity Prayer
More than any other single pamphlet, slogan or book, THIS is the cornerstone of my AA program.
- God: I immediately acknowledge my Higher Power in my life and turn to Him for help
- Grant me the Serenity: tells me that in the midst of whatever is going on in my life at the moment, I need to take a deep breath and go to a quiet place inside myself where there is calm and peace; I should stay there until that serenity extends to my outer self
- to Accept the Things I Cannot Change: and that is everything around me; my control over change starts inside me and goes halfway through my skin - after that, I control nothing; I may try to manipulate or influence or threaten but nothing will change because of that behavior on my part - I am not in charge
- the Courage to Change the Things I Can: change is difficult and usually unwelcome; it's a lot of work and it might be painful to me; if something is amiss in my life and there is no alternative available except to change, then I want you, Higher Power, to grace me with as much courage as necessary to do what must be done
- and, the Wisdom to Know the Difference: I need to know the difference because if it is something outside of my control (see above) then I need to let it go (there's a slogan for that! Let Go and Let God); if the situation is something that is within my power to change (also see above) then I had better get on with the job of doing something about it (there's a step for that! Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings).
Applying the prayer in my day-to-day life for the stresses and situations (people, places and things) as I have outlined above has made a HUGE difference in how I interact with the world. This is the tool I use instead of running to hide, avoiding, over-reacting or, worst of all, drinking. It is simple; it is powerful and it is effective. When the Serenity Prayer was first discovered and brought to Bill W.'s attention he said: "Never had we seen so much A.A. in so few words". I have to agree.
November 18 : Happiness and Fulfillment
All my life, until I was in the program for quite a while, I looked *out there* for my happiness and fulfillment. It was always up to you, whoever you were, to provide it. It never occurred to me that happiness is an inside job.
After a few years in the program I got the book "Each Day a New Beginning" and the reading for Nov.17 finally clicked in. What the whole page boils down to is this "Happiness is my decision, every moment". Happiness is the gift I get when I approach my life with gratitude. I wish that I could have this be present in my life *every* day, but I am human and my character defects and my fragile ego get in the way too often for that. If I were to compare my life now to the one I used to live - there is no comparison. I am fully appreciative and grateful for all the blessings I have and I try not to get too despondent when things are not smooth sailing. If I had made a list of the things that I wanted to get from sobriety when I got here I would have seriously short changed myself.
Every day when I wake I read pages 86-88 and ask my HP for sobriety and his guidance for my day. Then I try to do something worthwhile and be productive in some small way. I make phone calls and receive them. I stay in touch with sponsees and my sponsor and at night I thank God for my day. I truly believe that if I can keep one hand in my HP's and the other in the hand of an alcoholic I won't have a hand to pick up a drink.
This week please share with us your feelings on happiness and fulfillment or anything else that you need to share. It is your meeting.
November 11 : "We"
I went it to a meeting on Friday that is a Big Book Study and we read from "Dr. Bob's Nightmare."
"Of far more importance was the fact that he was the first living human with whom I had ever talked, who knew what he was talking about in regard to alcoholism from actual experience. In other words, he talked my language."
The preceding pages talked about the horrible place of drinking uncontrollably and not being able to stop. I flashed back to my first meeting and remembered the woman who told me her story after the meeting ended.
No preaching and no instructions, she just told me what her drinking was like and what she had done about it as a member of AA. I thought she was an angel. I too had never heard that kind of honesty about an alcoholic's drinking.
So I would like to suggest the first word in step 1 "We" as a topic and hear how people related to other alcoholics. I will share that my most shameful 'secret' was that if I didn't have to go to work, I started drinking when I got up, passed out about noon and started back up when I woke up. I was so sick and so dead inside and wishing for the end outside too. It was only in the rooms of AA that I could talk out loud about where alcoholism had taken me and listen to others share their bottoms. Remembering the 'We" in AA has helped me so many times over the years to know I am not alone.
November 4 : Amends
A mend is a tear of fabric never looks like it did, but can be stronger than it was originally.
It's like that in the fabric of my life, too. When I think about making amends, I have to recognize the behaviors that were hurtful to me and others (step 4/5), and then I had to stop doing those behaviors (step 6/7) eventually some of those behaviors have even become objectionable. :) Then I became willing to be honest with those people in my life that I had harmed.
An amend isn't an I am sorry. An amend is about what I need to be, who I need to be, to make it right for YOU. The beauty of ALL my amends is that I have already changed in the process of steps 4 thru 7. They can see that it's not just about "I'm sorry."
What mends have you made in the fabric of your lives?
October 28 : Letting go of bad memories
In the process of forgiving others I had to let go of that hope that my past could have been different or better. Intellectually I understood that the past cannot be changed but foolishly those thoughts would creep in my head.
By daily asking God for help, many times!, this alcoholic realized that life does not change without apology and forgiveness. Life is what it is, and acceptance leads to great freedom, as long as there is also accountability and healing in the process.
I will share later in the week on my experiences, but please, if you wish, share how you have been able to let go of the bad memories of your past.
October 21 : Relieve Me from the Bondage of Self
Page 63, Paragraph 1 and 2 of the Big Book:
When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.
We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.
When I signed up to chair this meeting today, I was truly in a very different place and I am eternally grateful for this program and for you. This is a "we" program and together we share a special bond that transcends understanding.
My journey towards recovery takes me back on a cold winter night. My ex and I drove to a treatment facility . I remember that drive was long and silent. That was December 5th 1998. He had no idea . I hid it so well from everyone. I was the super mom, a mom of four beautiful daughters; I was a leader in my community and on the school board. I pride myself being active in my children's lives and in my church.
But who was I fooling? I wore the abusive words and actions of others as my own. My God was rejecting me as I was rejecting myself. Drink took the pain away however slowly it took my soul. I was dying . dying spiritually. I reached out to friends, to my church and to my doctor. I tried to stop drinking but I couldn't. I heard of AA but what if someone saw me? I was a mom, a leader and I would disgrace them all. However I was sliding into this black abyss and nothing could stop it . nothing. So there I was.
Upon my admission, I remember entering my room at the end of a long hallway and it was dark. My roommate was asleep. I entered quietly and sat in the far bed and looked up at the mesh window, wondering . "What have I done?" Man, I felt so lost and felt that God was punishing me and I deserved the life I had . I had no hope. I was a misfit, a mistake. I wanted so desperately to leave this world. Alcohol was my friend and how quickly it became the devil himself and he won.
Somehow through that pain, I taped the pictures of my ladies (my daughters) on my desk, and they became my higher power during that dark time. I had to get better for them. The weeks ahead I slowly came out of the fog and saw how God held me through my pain. Then came the time for me to leave this sanctuary, this secure place . I lost it, I was scared. What if I fail? And something inside made me strong . we truly don't realize the strength within ourselves during our trials. I was discharged two days before Christmas and I was determined to make that Christmas special for my children.
It was also the start of my journey in AA. I went to my first meeting that weekend and, as I entered the room, it was as if my heavy armor fell on the floor and I was allowed to be me . broken, confused and scared. And they embraced me lovingly without judgment even when I so was fearful of them. I had a bad stutter and I shook those first few months. Listening the Promises were particularly hard at that time . I thought I was one of those that were "constitutionally incapable of" and one of those who were getting the promises ever so very "s-l-o-w-l-y". I truly felt I would never see those promises. Many times I wanted to run out of those meetings but . and the big 'but," I kept coming back. My sponsor was the toughest one there, and she was my angel. She taught me that suicide is a very selfish act and it devastates those left behind. And when I just wanted to give up . I kept coming back. I made coffee or chaired when I could, I worked the steps and my program.
So each December, I take flowers to the nurses of the third floor and thank them for giving my life back. The God that brought me to my knees was a god that was critical of everything I did; he was like a cranky old man looking down at me with a magnifying glass, judging me over and over. Now my higher power is like a nurturing loving parent holding me tightly, loving me unconditionally, protecting and guiding me home.
People that I know laugh when I talk of surrender. That was an area I had a lot of problem with and now have come to embrace. The bondage of self truly is a hard one to let go of and by the grace of my loving higher power I will celebrate 14 years of sobriety this December . that is a miracle. However what truly matters is that I am sober just for today.
Through those years, I have faced many trials but nothing compares to seeing your child walk a path you have walked and knowing there is nothing you can do except wait for her to see that she is not alone. I admit that I was promoting shamelessly AA to her rather than letting AA speak for itself. I found myself acting as a dry drunk wanting to control and making it all about me. I was so close to losing my own sobriety . so ever close. I never felt so helpless during that time. I found that truly this program works when you work it . I am an alcoholic, and I need another alcoholic to talk to. I was judging myself and so unsure of everything . it was like I was tightening the noose around my soul all over again.
It was during this time that I found you (the ladies of GROW), and I went to many f2f meetings . I was not judged, I was not alone in my pain and was loved for me.
My daughter has to see for herself how her actions and thinking are killing her . and those around her.
It was like watching me . I started drinking in 10th grade and crossed the line in college. I had so many blackouts that I am truly amazed I made it through school. I ignored all those signs, and AA was not even an option at that time. Through those years the self-hate grew and the relationships I had were abusive and despite marrying a man I truly love . that marriage failed.
So here I am watching my precious daughter suffer, struggle with the bondage that has gripped her life. I surrender all, knowing that I am not in control, trusting (blind trust) that she is in her higher power's hands. She took the courageous walk to taking care of herself and is where she needs to be right now. She has to ask her higher power to relieve her from her bondage of self and allow her radiant beauty shine. And I am working on my AA and Alanon programs.
My family has a second chance of breaking the cycle of bondage that destroys lives. When I left treatment those many years ago, I changed . but did I really? . I stayed in the insanity of an abusive marriage.
My daughter is not like me and is taking those steps to recovery. Her strength and courage are being felt by my family and friends. We all have a chance to heal. Her journey will be a long as the ones each of us tread and like you, her eyes are now open.
My daily prayer is "God relieve me of the bondage of self, remove the defects of my character so that I may do your will and better serve another. Please dearest Lord have mercy on our children and help them to find their paths."
October 14 : Courage
Page 68, Paragraph 3 of the Big Book: "The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage."
I don't know that as a child or teen growing up I thought I had courage. I was going through bad things and surviving, but I was too young to see that as courage. I was definitely a child of faith. I believed in God and stayed close to Him. In college I lost my way on so many levels. I began drinking and lost my faith in anything but the bottle. All I needed to make it through the day and night was plenty of booze. All I needed to make it through whatever happened in life was plenty of booze. I just wasn't living. I was so oblivious.
After 15 years of drinking and having nothing else I had to find the courage to ask for help. I had to dig down deep. I had to ignore the butterflies. I had to put away my booze and take hold of things that really mattered.things that could really help me.things that could give me back my life. I found those things in AA. My sponsor, the Steps, and the Program taught me how to have real courage and use it daily to make a real life. Being well doesn't mean I won't need courage anymore. It just means I will know how to better use my resources and courage is one of those resources.
Please don't think I never faltered. I am far from perfect. I stepped in it frequently over the last 7 years of sobriety. I had to learn how to use my Toolbox and that takes time. Once I did I could face anything. How? Courage. There it is again! Now that I know how to live when life hands me a lemon I have the well of courage to draw from. I am ever so grateful for those who have played a part in my sobriety. The AA-ers who have been full of experience and strength and hope have been priceless.
How has courage played a part in your life both before sobriety and after?
October 7 : Emotional Jail
"Many people are living in an emotional jail without recognizing it." - Virginia Satir
The quote above jumped out at me. It reminded me that once we put down the booze and whatever else ... our pursuit is for sanity, serenity and emotional sobriety. However, these things do not come naturally to me. I feel more comfortable with drama, chaos, tragedy & sadness. I've talked about the "big 5" before...I have used and abused: alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex and food. Of course I have been off the first 2 for 8 years now but I have struggled with the other 3 over the years.
A recent song has a line that I like......"we can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness..." How true for me. I can create situations or thoughts that keep me in darkness and sadness.
As I journey through recovery I have learned that my shadow self are my wounds...I've learned rule 62...not to take myself so damn seriously! To reach out when I'm in an unhealthy mind frame. Healthy tools to deal with uncomfortable emotions. My mind can bind me emotionally.
I look forward to your shares about this subject in sobriety or whatever else is going on in your recovery.
September 30 : Never say Never
"Never say Never", this topic says a few things for me.... First off when I first became sober, it was very difficult for me to say that I would never drink again. I knew that I heard people share about relapsing, and this really scared me an early sobriety. My sponsor assured me that this would never have to happen to me if I chose to work steps, invite HP into my life on a daily basis, follow some program suggestions and practice these principles in all of my affairs.
Today, I celebrate my 20 yr. anniversary with AA, I can say I have no plans to drink. I need to keep coming back to meetings, invite HP into my life on a daily basis, I still work very closely with a sponsor and try to do service work whenever I can. This allows me a daily spiritual reprieve and to be able to say today I choose not to drink.
That's one way of looking at never say never, for me even today, I can't say that I will never drink again. When I get into the mind set of I'm safe, is probably when I most vulnerable--so I keep coming back!!
But for me, when I was thinking about this topic and I came up with "never say never" I was thinking about all the times and especially recently not having an open mind to new experiences and closing the door on old experiences.
As many of you know six months ago I was in a major car accident. This wasn't the first time that somebody used my bumper to stop their car. Needless to say this time around (with some pretty strong PTSD, I went into that close minded I can almost say alcoholic thinking that I am never going to drive again.
Many people said to me, "never say never Jennifer, you will be driving again, you just need to have faith and build your confidence".
How many times did I hear that in early recovery, "Jennifer, all you need to do is find your higher power and invited into your life on a daily basis and have faith, even if it's blind faith, and just don't drink today".
This experience with the car accident I've had many spiritual awakenings, and one of them was how strong I believed I would never drive again. I said it with all intent and conviction.
Through the support and love of my sponsor, my network, and prayer to my higher power and faith, I did start driving again about 2 weeks ago. It's not always comfortable, I still have a lot of fear driving, however, if I want freedom then I need to have faith that I will be okay. After all, I think of it like this:
In order for me not to drink today, I have to protect myself against outside influences ... or even inside influences ... I do this by having a daily plan. I invite HP in my life, work the steps and practice these principles in all my affairs. It is not a 100 percent guarantee that I won't drink today, but the odds are good I won't. The same with driving, I have a plan before I drive ... I pray to HP, drive much more defensively and have faith that I will be ok. I am not guaranteed this, but it makes it more likely I am protected (if that makes any sense at all).
"Never say never" could be a catch 22. When I talk with people who are looking for recovery (I work in the field) I even say to them when sharing and they asked me what success rate, I would say it's up to the person and how much they want recovery. I go on to say that even though I have 20 years, I can't say that I'll never drink again.
What I can say is that I know for sure that I'm not going to drink today. And what I've learned through my experience with this car accident, as are a lot of things that I never thought I'd be able to do again. I thought I wouldn't drive again, It was not 100 percent sure I would gain my right leg strength back as much as I did and so on...."Never say Never!!"
It's too concrete, it's too final, and if I'm not on my toes and I'm not careful then I may slip up on a wonderful experience, close the door on old experiences that still have lessons or even worse get complacent and possibly drink again.
Thanks for allowing me to share, thanks for all your ESH, and thanks for being a part of my journey and helping me stay sober today and especially to all those who help me get back into my van again. Yes it's scary, but I enjoy the freedom, and I enjoy wanting and needing to connect with my HP on a daily basis.
September 23 : Adventure Called Life
I never paid attention to anyone but myself, as I recall of life before sobriety! I thought I was "hip, slick and cool", when I was actually a disaster waiting to happen! Welllllllll, it happened - - -and I saw myself as someone no one could love - - -especially me! It has been a slow process to "uncover, discover, and discard" here in the program of AA. And that was all necessary before I could love myself! Thank God you women loved me while I was learning to love myself! I could not have done this without the encouragement and loving hands of the women in AA.
I am not judged (hopefully) by whether or not I stumble. I can only judge myself by the direction I travel. To arrive is not important. To travel in the right direction, making a little progress every day, is the true test of life, for me. My search is never done. My progress within the inner mind is never finished.
I have found that growth is the only thing which can be pursued through a whole lifetime without inducing a feeling of boredom. Things lose their appeal. Ideas become commonplace. People come and go. But growth always remains exciting - --full of surprises and promise. It is through growth that I have learned to love myself.
To remain in the world of beginning again I must continue to make the effort to grow. The alternative is slow death. I have found that my only REAL time is in the PRESENT moment . Today I give it my best shot to find something enjoyable in each precious moment. I will not come this way again. Why not enjoy it?
My sponsor often reminds me that misery is optional. Misery is inside one's self. It is part of one's own feelings. Today I can change the way I feel about things, people or circumstances.
Today I would not have the full appreciation of life or inner serenity without being forced to face my own weaknesses, my own limitations and my own inner failures. I had a choice of whether to continue along the road to ego-centric self-sufficiency - - -and die; or whether to make an effort to achieve self-understanding - --and live -- -to enjoy life!!! THE ADVENTURE!
This has all come about through the Program of Alcoholics anonymous, for which I am eternally grateful! This is why I always say I am a "grateful recovering alcoholic"! I would never have come to this understanding without being led to this wonderful path of life through being an alcoholic.
Today I believe in myself and love myself (wellllllllllll - - -most of the time)!!!!
I find serenity and peace of mind at those times when I am in balance physically, spiritually and emotionally. I make sure that I focus on each of these at least once a day -- - -just a quick spot-check, like in Step 10.
I also would not have made it without ALL the experiences BEFORE AA which led me here!
I look forward to hearing your shares on your adventures from the end of your drinking life to now - - - - getting here and changing through AA!
IT WORKS WHEN I WORK IT, and doesn't when I don't!
September 16 : Survival
Surviving meant being born over and over.
------------ Erica JongWe have decided to live. And each day we make the decision anew. Each time we call a friend, work a Step, or go to a meeting, we are renewing our contract with life. We are being reborn. Before coming to this program we died, emotionally and spiritually, many times. Some of us nearly died physically. But here we are, starting a new day, looking for guidance from one another. We are the survivors. And survival is there for the taking.
We will have days when we struggle with our decision to live. We will want to throw in the towel. We will want to give in or give up. But we've learned from one another about choices. And the choice to survive, knowing we never have to do it alone, gets easier with time.
I am one of the survivors. Today is my day for celebration.
Taken from 'Each Day A New Beginning' -- Daily Meditations For Women
I chose this week's topic after much thought and perusal. When I came across this meditation it struck me how true this topic is for each of us in this group as well as all the thousands of other groups and even those who are in situations where there is but themselves -- each person a great example of an inner grace which has risen, even if quietly, to make a decision to want to overcome our common disease which desperately tries to destroy us. We come to these decisions in all possible ways and in all possible conditions.
I forget for the most part that I am a survivor because life has its daily tasks that require my attention. But I need to take a moment every now and then to look at myself and where I am today which is vastly different from many years, months, weeks and even days ago. Even as close as yesterday. I have made great changes, decisions, mistakes, growth, setbacks and successes. I need to take pride in the fact that I am daily surviving without the need for the alcohol which fought like crazy to keep me in its grip. Of course, not that kind of pride which will cause me to forget where I was and how hard I had to fight to get to where I am right now.
I thought it might be good for each of us to speak of her own survival. Do you look at yourself as a survivor and how do you feel about it? What did it take to get you here? And how do you feel about where you are now in your journey? I almost feel at times that we need a huge celebration because we have been so fortunate to have found the solution for our addiction. I realize that we only have a daily reprieve but nevertheless even a pat on the back for a job well done. But that job is ongoing. I will take each day as it comes and continue with your help to count myself as one of the survivors and do my best to carry the wonderful message so that some other suffering woman might find herself as one of us.
September 9 : Practice Practice Practice
For our meeting, I am sharing 'practice practice practice' as our topic. When I came into the rooms of AA, I could focus on next to nothing ... slowly but surely, I started hearing and listening and seeing the sayings around the room. Looking at those, sometimes, was all I could manage in early meetings. This one stood out to me though it took time, as always, to grasp it's meaning ... at least to me.
Our AA co-founder, Bill Wilson shared that the 12 steps "are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel, the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole."
That word practice means living, for this alcoholic today, in terms of our 12 steps. They guide my living and thinking for today as long as I work them. I have learned and continue to learn how to stay sober and live soberly by step work. The answers to how to manage a challenge, accepting it as a lesson and an opportunity for growth, watching my tongue and pen so as to not have to make another amend (though know it is the way when needed), knowing that my HP is in charge, that my life, today, as a sober woman is about service while living a spiritual life....and so so so so much more.
Ladies, the meeting is yours and look forward to reading your shares on how practicing the steps enhances your life and sobriety or whatever you need/want to share on!
September 2 : To Thine Own Self be True
Lately I've been quiet in this room, though not quiet in my own brain with recovery-type work. Through FaceBook, I've been participating in a support group for survivors of traumatic brain injury, and I'm experiencing some healing in a way I could not have if I didn't know the Program.
Although a quote from Shakespeare (Hamlet) and not the Big Book, to thine own self be true is a phrase AA has adopted. For example, I've seen it on posters on the walls of our room.
I recently purchased a coffee mug from an AA gift shop with the phrase imprinted on it. Above the phrase is a bunch of fish, all but one the same color and going in the same direction. I got this particular mug because this phrase unveiled a bunch of little realizations in my brain about what the phrase to thine own self be true means to me.
It didn't just say to me that it's okay to be different; it tells me that other people's attitudes, words, or behaviors do not determine my value. It reminds me that yes, really!, it is okay to be unique. With my value settled, I can move on to being the authentic person I am supposed to be--a person in recovery.
This week, please comment on what the phrase to thine own self be true means to you; or, as always, write about what you need to write about.
Thank you for being here and helping me in my recovery.
August 26 : Simply How It Works
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."
Good morning Ladies! I signed on to chair this week awhile back and did not anticipate my life changing as much as it did. Grateful for a solution today in my life. I am grateful to be a part of the best program EVER. We are a part of a program that has changed so many lives whether through our twelve steps or the lives of our friends and family who participate in the "sister" program, or for those who identified in other twelve step programs who were able to make change in their lives as a result of "following this path."
What is this path?? I read the emails and could see the members who are struggling with this fatal, progressive disease. Please find a sponsor, read the Big Book, work the steps, get involved in this program. Work all the steps, honestly. There will come a time where we will not have a defense against that first drink, and it must come from a higher power.
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." What is this path? "Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." The word "Honest(y)" is mentioned three times in the first couple paragraphs in Chapter Five "How It Works". What do we need to be honest about?
For me, I was dishonest about my alcoholism for so many years. I remember my father walking with me outside suggesting to try Alcoholics Anonymous for my drinking, because he felt I was an alcoholic. It was easier (at that time) to say the following: "Dad, I don't believe that I have a drinking problem. I do think there is something wrong with me and that I am crazy. I might need help because I do the same things over and over and can't stop." Deep down inside, I was angry that he could even suggest there was a drinking problem. The day I finally asked for help was when a little voice inside said "it's time." I placed myself into treatment first because it was impossible to stop drinking for one day on my own. Upon leaving treatment, I was led to an AA meeting that became my home group and found my first sponsor.
". usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty." A doctor diagnoses you with cancer, diabetes, (fill in the blank). I will go to any lengths to fight this disease. An alcoholic hears "you have a drinking problem, and it is fatal/progressive which will kill you" and we say, "I have it under control." The lie that we can control our drinking is insanity.
At the end of How It Works, we read the ABC's. Alcohol is a power great than me. I must surrender to the fact that no one can cure me of my alcoholism. It must come from a power greater than alcohol! Lastly, I have to seek out the power greater than myself. The path mentioned in the first sentence includes the remainder of the steps. Trust God, clean house, help others. What is your experience, strength, and hope for the suffering alcoholic? Do we accept this disease is a fatal, progressive disease? How do we arrest this disease and what is the solution?
August 19 : The "ISM" of Alcoholism
When I came into the rooms of AA seven years ago this month, I was desperate to quit drinking. I had reached bottom, and was willing to do whatever it took to remain sober. I was instructed to attend 90 meetings in 90 days, introduce myself as a newcomer each day (which got really old, especially around day 78 or so), call my sponsor daily. I did this gladly, because AA gave me the hope I could indeed escape the madness. I saw women just like me who no longer felt compelled to drink, who walked through life with grace and dignity. I wanted that freedom and that courage, too.
Little by little, step by step, my life began to get better. I regained my physical health. I worked through the steps and made amends to friends and family, regaining the trust and affection I had lost. Life was just better sober.
However, when alcohol was no longer an issue, I began to notice I could obsess in other ways. Whether it was ice cream or potato chips or not eating at all or too much exercise or computer games until 3 a.m. or shopping for stuff I didn't need with money I didn't have, I could use other substances to change the way I feel.
After all, if you take the ALCOHOL out of ALCOHOLISM, you are left with ISM. I was told in the rooms of AA that stands for: It's still me.
So in the past few years I have come to realize I need spiritual fitness to keep my life serene and balanced in all ways. I need meetings and the energy of my sisters in AA. And I need to be always vigilant about the fact I am an addict at heart.
I recently had a nasty equestrian accident which resulted in 5 days in the hospital and lots of narcotics. Now, I never have been a drug person. But I have heard enough stories in the rooms of AA to know that cross-addiction is a real possibility for me. So I asked the doctors not to send me home with any prescriptions, preferring to treat the pain with ibuprofen. I wasn't willing to risk another dance with the 800 lb gorilla of addiction. If I hadn't been close to my Home Group and part of this group and firmly committed to the program of AA, the story could have had a tragic ending.
August 12 : How do you measure your progress in sobriety?
I am relatively new to this online group (I think I found you in mid-May) and I thought this would be a good way to get to know you all a little better. This move to China has enabled me to find AA online, and what a blessing GROW is for me. I have moved geographically a few times during the course of my sobriety and have learned to reach out to each new fellowship to become "a part of." That is progress for me.
The dictionary defines progress as:
progress: n. 1. Movement, as toward a goal; advance. 2. Development or growth: students who show progress. 3. Steady improvement 4. A ceremonial journey made by a sovereign through his or her realm. (Nice one, thanks dictionary!)
intr.v. progress: 1. To advance; proceed: Work on the new building progressed at a rapid rate. 2. To advance toward a higher or better stage; improve steadily: as medical technology progresses. 3. To increase in scope or severity, as a disease taking an unfavorable course.
I was the typical alcoholic, afraid of my own shadow as a child and isolating in the end. The booze softened those "nameless fears" that I had as I grew into adulthood and made them more manageable somehow. I have been thinking about a topic for this week. Uh oh, maybe overthinking is more like it! LOL
A topic that might benefit the newcomers a bit as they muddle through early sobriety and might aid those of us who have been here longer, is how do we take measure of our progress? On the surface it appears to be a difficult thing to measure spiritual progress as there is nothing tangible about it, or is there?
My first thought is how as a child we marked the door jamb with pencil marks and dates while we were growing up. I can measure my spiritual progress today on that proverbial door jamb! Sometimes I measure my progress by how quickly I can pause when I am uptight or in doubt. Sometimes I measure progress by boundaries I can set for myself, practicing self-care by not going into slippery situations. Sometimes I can measure progress by my level of serenity when I am surrounded by inefficiency, complacency and confusion (or mysterious China). And sometimes I measure progress by how quickly I can drop to my knees and ask my Higher Power for help.
I am a work in progress, ever advancing, growing, developing, and improving. This evolution we call spiritual growth is a process. It is all about the journey for me today and not so much the destination. Some days it is two steps forward and one step back, but as long as I don't pick up a drink today, I am still making progress even if it does not necessarily feel like it to me! I know I am one notch higher on the legendary door jamb as long as I don't drink even if my ass falls off.
Thank you for being a part of my "ceremonial journey through this realm". How do you measure your progress in sobriety today?
August 5 : A Short Study of the Twelve Steps of A.A.
We are all at different stages of our sobriety and have all had a variety of experiences with working the steps. In the Twenty-Four Hours A Day book it says for Sept.16- AA Thought for the Day " The first step is the membership requirement step. The second, third, and eleventh steps are the spiritual steps of the program. The fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and tenth steps are the personal inventory steps. The eighth and ninth steps are the restitution steps. The twelfth step is the passing on of the program, or helping others step.
Have I made all these steps a part of me?" Where are you at in working the steps and have you made the steps a part of yourself?
I work step 1 every day, and it is the only step that I have to do perfectly. I admit every day that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life was disturbed. I believe in a Power greater than myself (who I call God) and say the Third Step prayer and the Seventh Step prayer every day.
I work steps 2, 3, and 11 every day and try to remember to constantly turn my will and my life over to the care of God. I must turn to my HP for help because I am helpless without Him. I trust God for the strength to keep me sober.
I have taken an honest inventory of myself by working Step 4, Step 5, Step 6, and Step 7 (still working on getting to Step 10). I had to see myself as I really am. I am currently working on Step 8 and Step 9 and will be starting to work on my amends letters.
I practice Step 12 by carrying the message to other alcoholics and am currently sponsoring two wonderful women.
July 29 : Spiritual Experience, BB Appendix II
I didn't have any bright lights or even a minor dizzy spell as a clue that I was now a different person. In fact, I am not as different as I wish for some days! But I haven't found it necessary to take a drink since August 1, 2009 and I am grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous and the Fellowship for that.
I don't know when the desire to drink left me, but one day, I was driving down the highway and I suddenly realized that I hadn't thought about have a drink in quite a while. Since I was on the highway, I had some time to think about it. think about how much time I had in the program (then about 6 months), think about what was working for me and exactly what had changed.
Later, when I read the Big Book, Appendix (pg 567 & 568) and underlined these parts, which ironically come together to describe my daily approach to this way of life! Especially when times are hard and I need to get back to basics!
".spiritual experience. the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself. experience. of the educational variety. a profound alteration in reaction to life."
Yup! That is me for sure! Reading on I find out I am not alone! "With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource." Some say that God resides within us, so perhaps this is what they mean. For me it was the same "inner-most self" talked about in Chapter 3, where I personally took Step 1.
Further, it says "(The alcoholic) can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance and belligerent denial. contempt prior to investigation."
The reading finishes with, "Willingness, honesty and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable." (H.O.W.)
July 22 : Your Favorite Parts of the Big Book
This week, I've given a lot of thought to what today's meeting should be about. I found it deeply moving that the Library of Congress recently honored the Big Book as one of the books to have shaped America. How cool is that?! I often think everyone, even the non-alcoholic, could benefit from reading it just because of the basic lessons in human psychology that it offers.
I think it would be interesting to talk this week about what parts of the book speak to you the most. What are the go-to segments you seek out when you need it? I've found that I never read the book the same way twice. There is always something that will jump out that I may have read over a million times before, but that million and one time can be a moment of clarity with a specific part. I recently read about freedom from self-will in the "Into Action" segment, which, again was like a lightning bolt at just the right time for me. If you are a newcomer (welcome, by the way!) what parts of the book have been especially powerful or comforting for you?
So .... tell us ... what are your favorite parts of the Big Book?
July 15 : Remembering Why We're Here
In this neck of the woods our face to face meetings usually begin with the words, *Shall we have a few moments silence to remember why we're here, and to remember the still suffering alcoholic*.
I wonder if this week we can *remember why we're here* and think about why we came to our first meeting.
When I'm asked, I usually say it was because I drank far too much, far too often for far too long. I keep it short because I'd rather talk about my recovery but sometimes I need to remember in detail why I'm here. Here are a few of the reasons.
I came to my first meeting a crumpled, drunken mess with little brain power available to think clearly. I came because I was frightened when a friend picked me up after I had slid down a pillar at a Christmas midnight mass. (This memory stuck!) I came because I could no longer control my alcohol intake. I no longer knew whether one drink would just lead me slowly into oblivion or whether one drink would make me unconscious. I was terrified I would lose my job, comments had been made. I had been homeless for a short while and was so scared that if I lost my job I couldn't pay for my accommodation.
I was tired of waking up, or coming round, thinking, *Did I really do that?* or, *Did I phone that person or not - and if i did, what did I say?*. I was fed up with responding to the people I'd rung without knowing it and having to create my version of events around what they were saying to me.
I'd been in relationships which had hurt me and other people and which usually ended in disaster. I had attempted suicide several times and woken to the awful realization that I hadn't succeeded and that life would have to go on. Unsurprisingly, I had lost most of my friends.
Alcohol, which had promised me so much had led me to this point.
I like to concentrate on recovery in meetings but I also need to *remember why I'm here* because if I don't, I might end up back where I was, and much worse. Every newcomer who talks about why they've got to their first meeting helps me to remember my pain, helps me to remember why I'm here.
Please share with us what you would think of in those few moments at the beginning of a meeting where you are asked to remember why you're here. Those of you who are new to sobriety let us know what brought you here.
To end on a positive note, despite the state I was in, the decision to get to that first meeting was the best decision of my life. Beyond that despair was a new life, new purpose, new peace and so much more.
As in all our meetings, please feel that you can share on this or on anything else relating to getting sober and staying sober. I feel that every time I share I think I grow a bit and our shares certainly strengthen our Group so I look forward to listening to your experience, strength and hope.
July 8 : Lessons from Sponsorship
One of the joys of my sobriety has been sponsorship. I was recently asked by two young women if I would be their sponsor, and it has taken me back in thought to all the lessons being a sponsor and being sponsored have taught me along the way.
I think that we sponsor the way we have been sponsored. I was told in the beginning by my sponsor that I must attend a step meeting, a big book meeting, and a women's meetings as a base for my meeting schedule. However many other meetings I attended these must be my base. I have tried to pass on this message to those I have sponsored. My sponsor had me into service very early. My first job was as a greeter at the Saturday night speakers meeting and for someone who could not look people in the eye it took a lot for me to comply. I did it and I learned a lot. I have been in service to AA one way or another all my sober life and it has given me accountability and responsibility.
One of the first benefits I received from my early sponsor was the fact that she listened to me. I mean she *really* listened to me. I hope I have been able to do that for the gals I have sponsored. It is so important that you hear what *isn't* being said, you know, the stuff that is underneath.
As nurturers, I think we can get too attached sometimes. I know that I have, and I had to be told by my sponsor that I can't get them sober and I can't get them drunk. That was said to me after a gal that I sponsored drank again and blew her brains out. I learned a lesson that day that I still use to this day and that is "If your sobriety becomes more important to me than it is to you, it is time for me to let go."
During my years in the program I have had four sponsors, three have passed and my current one is very near the end of her life. She is in a long term facility in Virginia Beach with end stage COPD and lung cancer. I speak with her on a daily basis, and I am already feeling the loss of this great lady who in the very beginning of my sobriety took we new girls into her home, fixed our hair, made us tea, talked to us, and gave us dignity.
I guess what I am asking this week is for you to share with me and the rest of us what blessings and lessons you have learned from sponsoring or being sponsored. Of course, you can always discuss whatever is on your minds. It is your meeting ladies and I look forward to your shares.
July 1 : Miracle of AA
I sit here on the 7 year anniversary of my sobriety very grateful.and realizing how much a miracle it is that I got here at all! It is truly by the grace of God using the hand of AA that I am here. I did not think 7 years ago that I was worth a second, or really third, chance. In time I found out otherwise. There are lots of things AA has taught me while saving me at the same time.mostly from myself.
I grew up believing I could do anything I set my mind to. I did well in school and graduated high school with honors, as well as college. I saw teaching as my future and thought I would grow old doing it. I had it all planned out. Then, life happened.
First, I began having health problems. Mainly a nagging pain in my spine that made it tough to be standing for long periods of time.sitting wasn't a peach either. At the same time I discovered the pastime of drinking. A boyfriend believed I needed to learn how to do it properly. I was a drunk from the start. But, a functioning one.so much so I hid it from everyone for a multitude of years. My life deteriorated and I could no longer teach. I began drinking in solitude and lived in misery. I was on pain killers and was Diabetic. Two things which meant I wasn't supposed to drink a sip. I didn't care. I had pain, emotional and physical, and I used booze to quiet it. It only sent my life deeper into oblivion. I was on the fast track to death. In fact, I would say my game was Russian Roulette.
I attempted suicide in 1994 and my mother put me in rehab. I stayed sober for a year then gladly picked up again. I spent the next 10 years becoming someone I couldn't recognize. And someone I couldn't face in the mirror. Somehow in the midst of it I met my husband, a non-drinker. He maligned my drinking for years, but the words and sad face didn't get to me until 2005. I finally heard him, deep within my heart, and my hold on this alcoholic life broke. I stepped into AA once again.
This time I actually put effort, real effort into living the Program and working my Steps. I faced my demons and slated them with God at the helm. I gave over control to Him and became a changed person. And 3 years ago I got off pain killers for good. I suddenly had a personality again. I got online to find AA groups as my health deteriorated to the point where I wouldn't be getting out in the world. I found you. A group to understand my woes and gripes, hold my hand through the tough times, and call me on the bull. I have developed a fellowship of friends, real friends that I can count on. And I know other people who daily live the Program of AA.
Not only is this Program called AA a miracle, I am a miracle.
Now, tell us about your experience with the miracle of AA.