Weekly Topics - January - June 2012
June 24 : What You Heard in Early Recovery
There are many things that come to mind when remembering my first weeks in AA. Many different people shared many different things with me but a few really stick in my mind.
My online sponsor shared with me that "No" was a complete sentence, what a revelation that was and it has saved me & others much grief and time! She also told me not to drink, to pray to God and not to die, & read the BB!
A close AA friend explained to me that too many people were being loved into their graves. If I wanted what the AA Members had there were things I HAD to do. If I was not prepared to work and make many changes then my misery I came into AA with would be returned!
These are just a few things that came to my mind the other day and I thought I'd love to hear from you, what you heard early in your recovery that stuck with you and worked.
June 17 : Fellowship, a Substitute for Alcohol
The following is taken from the Big Book... Page 152, from "A Vision for You":
"We have shown how we got out from under. You say, "Yes, I'm willing. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring, and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?
"Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you find release from care, boredom, and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence will lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you."
I have so many things for which to be grateful today and it actually began when I quit drinking, started working the program, and found new friends in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. If I had continued on my path of self-destruction, I would likely be dead or institutionalized. I have good friends today...both alcoholics and non-alcoholics.close relationships.and I'm no longer alone.
Although I learned about identifying myself as an alcoholic, sharing, and relating to others at the discussion tables, my greatest experiences were in the meeting after the meeting when we would get a group together to either sit outside after the meeting and smoke our lungs out, or go to the restaurant for more coffee. The time spent with them kept me busy until the beer stores closed and I think that was one of the reasons they included us newbies - to keep us pre-occupied until it was time to go home.
It was there that people shared more personal stories and I was amazed that they could laugh at themselves and didn't take themselves too seriously. I so looked forward to those times as they replaced my boredom, my emptiness, my aloneness, and negative thoughts. From their example, I learned to take the risk to share some of my personal story with them, which made me feel a part of, and then I was able to share at my discussion meetings.
Some of the nicest people I know I have met in AA. The program of AA, the friends and the fellowship, and the support of others are irreplaceable to my sobriety and wellness. If we don't have friends, we don't have support; and if we don't have support, this leads to feelings of isolation. That is not why we are here. These days, GROW is a huge part of my fellowship. I have established some wonderful contacts online and some great friendships along the way.
How do you experience this Fellowship in your recovery and how has it helped you?
June 10 : Self-Acceptance
Good morning, Ladies. I'm Judy, and I am an alcoholic. I have been very quiet in this group over the past several months. There have been things happening in my life that I have permitted to seize control of my emotional energy and attention. I apologize to the group for my silence. I heard a joke once that asked, "What's the difference between a 'good' habit and a 'bad' one?" The answer is, "A 'good' habit is easier to break." How true that is.
I maintained my bad habit of drinking for many, many years--it took very little effort or energy. Recovery was a different story. It took all the effort and energy I could muster--especially in the beginning. I did love going to meetings and I went to tons of them. I have discovered lately, however, that once I start to slack off of meetings (face to face or cyber ones), it seems to get easier to stay slacked off.
My sponsor loves the quote, "Eternal Vigilance is the price I pay for my sobriety". She is so right--I have to commit every day to maintain the 'good' habit of my recovery--which means prayer, meetings, fellowship, and the steps. It is an absolute miracle that I was able to celebrate my 20th sober year this past Friday. Thank you to all those who extended birthday wishes. This is your's and God's victory, not mine.
The topic I need to hear about is Self-Acceptance. I have really been struggling a lot with that lately. I thought I had made some progress over the past 20 years, but it can change in a heartbeat. I once had a man in my out-patient treatment group say to me, "Judy, if only you could sit yourself on the other side of the room and talk to yourself like you do us--you would be so much gentler on yourself." That was so profound to me and I've tried to use that advice often.
Sometimes I even imagine it's one of my children I sit across from me and I treat them with love, forgiveness, and compassion for any mistakes or struggles they might have. Then I tell myself, "if I want that for my children, why can't I want that for me? Don't I have an obligation to 'model' that for them and not just put lip-service to it?"
Most of the time this exercise works very effectively. But the truth is, I don't think it has done much to alter my overall opinion of myself; because if I make just one mistake, I am capable of unleashing the most horrible verbal self-abuse and absolute loathing towards myself. It erupts in such fury--it is terrifying!
I had one of those self-loathing sessions on Wednesday. And just like always, I think, "Maybe I'll drink and then 'they'll' know how much I'm hurting"...Really, Judy? Fortunately, I have spent enough time in meetings, working these steps, thinking 'through' the actions that dance through my mind at these times and acknowledge that following through on thoughts of drinking, smoking, homicide or suicide are devastatingly permanent solutions to very temporary (and often trivial) problems. Yet, I fear the day that my disease will win unless I can find some peace and a genuine self-acceptance of who I am--'warts and all'.
I started saying the Serenity Prayer with some alterations, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the person I am, the courage to change the things I can about myself, and the wisdom to know the difference." Please share how you practice self-acceptance and how you make it 'stick'. :)
June 3 : FEAR
I have come to realize that all my trouble with living has come from fear and smallness within me.
-Angela L. Wozniak
Good day ladies....this reading struck me when I read it and also this topic has come up a lot recently in my local meetings...FEAR.
-False Evidence Appearing Real
-F&$% Everything And Run
-Face Everything And Recover
I like these acronyms I've heard over the years! Very true in a lot of ways. I know that all my anger and any uncomfortable emotion comes from self-centered fear. I have removed myself from the sunlight of the spirit and remain alone...in the dark.
I do believe today I am responsible for my reality and I refuse to play the victim. Living in fear is truly no way to live...it is a harsh survival.
I fly airplanes throughout conflict zones in Africa and recently in Afghanistan...I do not let fear interfere with my outward life, and yet a friend asked me at a meeting what I was scared of...and I said emotional intimacy! I will blaze an empowered path for women and yet inside I can be a scared little girl afraid to be hurt!
I am grateful for this process of recovery/discovery to become more aware of myself. Once I am aware, I can be empowered and take action to let go of the fear and let in the miracles.
And I have many miracles in recovery to be grateful for.
Welcome to the new ladies...feel free to share or just "listen" for a while. I look forward to your shares this week on FEAR!
May 27 : 7 Deadly Sins
How did the '7 deadly sins" of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy and sloth contribute to your alcoholism? Comment on one or all.
May 20 : Relieve Me of the Bondage of Self
I think that line in the Third Step prayer is one of the most provocative lines ever written. Whenever I read it I picture myself in shackles and chains, trying desperately to free myself. Once I start drinking those shackles and chains wrap around me as if by some magical force and I take myself hostage.
For me the shackles and chains are a metaphor for a disease of the mind so insidious it wants to either kill me or drive me to complete insanity.
I've heard it said that alcoholism is the only prison where the key to freedom is on the inside.
What do those shackles and chains represent to you and how do you use the program to break free?
May 13 : Mothers and Sobriety
This is Mothers' Day, and I have been trying to come up with a topic that fits. The truth is that I am not a mother. Never have been and never will be. The fact that I don't have children has been a sensitive spot in my heart - to the point that I sometimes become annoyed with the self-congratulations I see mothers give each other. That is my truth.
I do have a mother, but she is not on my list of favorite people. In fact, she was the first on my list of resentments. My part of the resentment - I wanted a loving mother. I got a hyper-critical cold fish that I couldn't or wouldn't accept. In fact, I think she did much to instill my low self-esteem and the resultant lifetime of self-medication.
But it was not her fault. She did the best she could with what she was given - a very self-centered, self-seeking mother and an absent father. She also has a congenital birth defect that is becoming an increasingly difficult problem as she ages.
So how does this fit with alcoholism and sobriety? In just about every way. My mother is both the cause and part of the cure. Repaying her for her lack of emotional depth, I spent my adult life as far away from her as I could get. When we were together a few times a year, it always ended in tears (mine) and anger (hers). We just didn't click.
But I moved to Texas this year because of my mother. After years of asking my HP about his will for me and how I could serve him, it became clear. I was to be here to help care for my mother in her "golden" years (believe me, they are not golden for her). She has a lot of pain, and her mind is failing. After 62 years with my dad, she is a widow. There is no one there to cater to her every whim. Dad spoiled her rotten. And I do mean rotten.
But that isn't what matters. What matters is what I do. Tomorrow I will take her a special dinner and spend Mothers' Day with her. I will bite my tongue when she gets nasty (which she will) and smile when I don't want to. No matter how I feel about her, she will feel loved. That is my HP's will for me. That is my amends. Right now, it is the biggest part of my sobriety - learning to do for others without wanting for myself. HP has a sense of humor, no?
So, it is Mothers' Day. My question to you is: how does being a mother play into your sobriety? Or . what role does your mother play in your sobriety? But please share on anything you need to.
May 6 : Patience/Persistence
Thank you all for allowing me this service work. This week is a special one for me...I like to honor my grandmother's passing which was May 9, 1989. She was my angel while alive and continues to look over me...I only wish she lived long enough to see me sober!
I wasn't sure I would be able to share today ... it is still difficult to type so I shall be brief. About 6 weeks ago I was rear ended while stopped ... I was just healing from major back surgery only to get severely injured with a women who was looking behind her while driving. She did not carry insurance to cover this accident, only enough to get my Van fixed which, thank you HP, has been restored (it should have been totaled).
Now I am looking at least one other surgery, possibly two. I was supposed to go for major back surgery again (this time much, much more involved surgery) Tuesday, but it got postponed due to over-booking ... So now, I wait patiently, anxiously for May 22nd where I will undergo back surgery again. Instead of less than one day in the hospital, it will be 4-5 days then a skilled nursing center for undetermined time period.
I am having another body part evaluated that may need surgery also. All due to this accident. I could go into the why me's? Well, I did, but my program is allowing me on a daily basis to work on letting go of that and the resentment and anger of it all ... It's not helping ... so I turn it over.
Talk about Patience ... I have had to completely go from ... healing and finally out and about with the hope of being more active than I have been in years cuz I had this awesome surgery to fix my back ... to bed rest, not able to walk for more than a few feet and more pain then I care to acknowledge!! All in a single moment ...
Patience for me today is about patience with myself ... Persistence for me is about finding the best solution for my situation . which surgeon and surgery procedure to go with. And I am going to need to practice patience after surgery with myself and those who will be caring for me. It really is going to be a huge challenge.
With that being said, I have a program, thank you HP, and I have HP. I don't know why this happened to me, that is none of my business at this point . that is up to HP, I may never know. But it did, and I have to accept the things I cannot change ... and be patient with self and HP that I will be ok. I have to be OK!!
I am not able to share on topics....but I read each and every one of them...thank you all who share and chair!! Hopefully, in a few months from now, I will be able to get active again.
How does your program allow you to practice patience?
April 29 : Wasted & Lost Opportunities
As an alcoholic many opportunities that come along in life get wasted or completely lost with us. We squander what is given to us and we let the best of life slip through our fingers. We may try to keep control or even get control back; but, the alcohol is the one in control and we lose again. The following list is just a smattering of what I lost/squandered due to my drinking.
- good health
- friends
- memories of my college years
- healthy relationships
- chance to have children
- retaining teaching jobs
- self-respect
- morals
- productive personality
- respect of others
Sobriety could not get all of these back, for it can't turn back time; but, some things did come back to me. I worked very hard to become a productive member of society and a loving, giving human being. I can't wipe away my past. I can only face it and move on. The following list are the opportunities and things that have come to me since getting sober on 7-1-05.
- self-respect & morals
- true friends
- healthy relationships
- loving, kind, and supportive husband
- service work
- productive person and personality
- respect of others
- peace, love, joy, happiness
- redemption
- step-daughter
- grandson
I cannot say I do not have moments when I am sad at what I let get away from me. But, the opportunities that have come to me in sobriety are life-changing. I have learned to have no regrets. I am who I am BECAUSE of my past NOT in spite of it. What about your lists? Can you voice your lost opportunities and shout your gains???
April 22 : The Twelve Rewards
I do not know if you have seen the movie "The Natural" with Robert Redford and Glenn Close, but there is a great line in it that got me thinking lately. Robert Redford plays a baseball player who is unhappy because his life did not turn out as he expected, and Glenn Close tells him, "You know, I believe we have two lives...The life we learn with and the life we live with after that." When I think about this quote in relation to my own life, my own struggles with my alcoholism, I realize that I am very subtlety moving into my second life the longer I stay sober, embrace the program, and do my best to live the steps; it is a great place to be. There is a prayer that I think provides, for me, a good measuring stick to see how far I have come already, and where I still need to grow--it is called "The Twelve Rewards."
Spirit of the Universe,
I humbly ask for Your help so I may continue to realize the rewards of recovery:
1. Hope instead of desperation.
2. Faith instead of despair.
3. Courage instead of fear.
4. Peace of mind instead of confusion.
5. Self-respect instead of self-contempt.
6. Self-confidence instead of helplessness.
7. The respect of others instead of pity and contempt.
8. A clean conscience instead of a sense of guilt.
9. Real friendship instead of loneliness.
10. A clean pattern of life instead of a purposeless existence.
11. The love and understanding of my family instead of their doubts and fears.
12. The freedom of a happy life instead of the bondage of addiction.
When I was drinking and newly sober there is no question that I was always deep in the negative on all the things the prayer talks about, now just a year later after a lot of hard work and a lot of meetings, I am definitely usually somewhere on the positive side of things. Not that I don't have my moments where my character defects consume me, but now I am not my moments--they do not define me anymore--I think that experiencing each of these Twelve Rewards of sobriety is starting to define the new, sober me. What about you?
April 15 : Step Work
Hello Ladies It is my pleasure to chair this meeting on my 50th birthday. There was a time I didn't think I would live that long, or cared to live this long. Boy, things have changed..)) For our topic I would like to suggest a discussion on Step work.
How many times have you gone through the steps? What motivates you to go through them, again? What have you gotten out of it as a result of the work you put into it?
The reason I am asking this, is clearly marking a milestone such as this one makes me take stock. Is this all there is? What could I have done differently? Am I happy with the relationship I have with my family, friends and my sponsor?
For me, I am not. I have relationships with siblings that are better left alone. My sponsor is in the midst of her own life changing times and we have parted ways. So I am starting over with a new sponsor, and she has sent me my first list of "assignments". I am to read the third step prayer, and then read step one, for 14 days, everyday in first person.
I got that email this morning, and it is indeed an answer to a prayer.
Ladies, the meeting is yours, I am looking forward to reading your experience, strength and hope.
April 8 : Seeing the World through New Lenses
Before I came to the rooms of AA, I had a very terrible, horrible, icky, way bad attitude about life. Mind you, I wasn't an alcoholic. I just drank too much because life was so wickedly unfair, people were always out to get me, and I always ended up in the slowest line at the grocery store.
Once inside the loving arms of the AA fellowship, I was shown that most of the unhappiness in my life was caused not by other people or circumstances, but by my negative reaction to everything and everyone. It was "suggested" I get a new pair of glasses with which to view the world. I might want to tint the glasses rose.
I immediately understood the concept: The implementation took a long time. I had to start by understanding that no one woke up in the morning musing, "I wonder how I can annoy Nants today?" Traffic was not created on the freeway to specifically irritate me. A slow store clerk was not out to make me miserable. Most things in life were not about me at all.
When I finally moved from merely having faith in a Higher Power to absolutely trusting my Higher Power, it got easier. My mom used to say, "This is the day the Lord has made." I began to see that life was not a series of events I needed to judge and determine this situation is bad, this is good, this is acceptable and this isn't. Instead, it was an unfolding dance of experiences which my Higher Power used to teach me lessons. I could choose to live fully in each moment and learn the lesson, or I could bemoan my fate and be miserable.
Since that old attitude still wants to stick its head out of the cave and cause trouble, I work at keeping a positive outlook on life and its peccadilloes. I count my blessings instead of my woes. If someone does something to annoy or hurt me, I consider what might be going on in his or her life to cause this action. I perform random acts of kindness (letting the pregnant mom with a toddler go in front of me at the grocery store). I smile at strangers, help other alcoholics and try to be the change I want to see in the world.
My rose-colored glasses have helped me see a brand new world where love is abundant, kindness is the rule rather than the exception and my Higher Power has me safely protected in loving arms.
What about you? How has being a member of AA shaped your attitude and outlook on life?
April 1 : No Reservations
From page 33 of the BB of Alcoholics Anonymous: "If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol." Also in there:
. that most who have gone beyond stopping drinking on their own should try to stay sober for at least a year, and that many won't make it. Some may pick up the day after they made the resolution.
Hi, Mary Lee here alcoholic addict sober by the Grace of God and AA. I was one of many who did not get sober the first time I entered the rooms of AA. For some who know from my shares, my (now) third attempt at getting sober was 36 years ago. When I give my name, and say I'm sober by the Grace of God and AA, I mean that sincerely.
I believe for me, living with an active drinker (husband) who had crossed the line, that the day I picked up again, I had a reservation for whatever excuses I chose to present to myself and others. Like "I can stop after tonight", "I'm not that bad" "I don't wish to stand out as being different", and on and on.
I had remarried the same man, was on my second failure at staying sober because I stopped going to AA (No 1), I chose to listen to his statements because he didn't wish to be alone drinking (No 2) and because I placed myself in situations (No 3) after doing all the wrong things that the devil alcohol came down from my shoulder and said "Mary go ahead, you're not an alcoholic".
Blackouts started, so I thought "the bartender is making the drinks stronger". And to top it off a local Dr. offered to keep me in my shots of Demerol, if I would be his mistress. Thank God I turned him down on all of the parts of his offers. I finally left hubby, went on my own with our two kids, to end up having the oldest removed at my request after we argued and I hit him on the cheek (meant to) and instead gave him a nose bleed. That was the beginning of my "end" of drinking and drugging.
I came back into AA, totally whipped, my mind totally wiped out of remembering most things being said to me, homeless, helpless, with the hand of AA still out there for me. I became very needy, felt very worthless and very hopeless.
On my first two entries into AA, I believe that I thought I could return to social drinking. However, when I got honest finally with myself, I "was never a social drinker". My first drink wasn't one; it was many and turned into a drunk. Then as I kept coming back into AA, eventually picking up again, I thought I could "catch that buzz" again. I never could, never did.
I won't sit here and share that I haven't wanted to drink again, but I picked up the phone to say I wanted to drink again. I certainly did! But I had gotten the message ingrained in my brain, that a hand of AA would always be there for me. Just pick up that "two-ton phone".
I had three years sober, things were bad, Fla. conditions were hot and horrible, a snake kept haunting the doors of our home, a mouse was in my toilet, I was dehydrated (no air conditioning) and called my male sponsor and said "if this is sobriety I don't want it". And Al's hand was there, he pressed me to a lady sponsor a newly relocated member, who had a spiritual program, tons of patience, and was there for me.
I knew then, as I know now, should I ever pick up a drink again, I will not return to sobriety.
Fear does not keep us sober, but I have the faith that as long as I am willing to go to any length to stay sober, ask God for help, do readings, thank him at night, be vigilant in being a part of AA, that I can stay sober no matter what is going on that is negative.
For any who may be struggling, I suggest you go to any lengths to get sober. Get the booze out of the home (to give you think time), go to as many meetings face to face especially if you are able, get a sponsor, ask God for help to keep you sober, ask God to keep your "bottle" that He can have it, you can't.
Our disease is a killer, it almost killed me. It is an eraser, it takes away family members, friends, money, homes, our minds, and renders us useless.
Please stand still sober and wait for the miracles. I have had many.
March 25 : The Four Agreements
My husband has been attending a class at our church the past few weeks and I was given a bookmark which I am using in my monthly Grapevine. Each time I look at this bookmark I am reminded of our program and all the things that it stands for and that I have learned through the years. This class is called the Four Agreements and they are this.
1. Be Impeccable with your words. Hmm, am I always? Do I think and pause before I snap back with a sarcastic comment. Not always I am afraid, but looking at this bookmark has certainly made me more aware.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally. This I find very hard to do Along with the bookmark I was given a little card that on one side says "It's ALL about me" and on the other side " It's NOT about me". I keep this in front of me at the computer with the Not about me facing me at all times It is a constant reminder that I am not the center of the universe.
3. Don't Make Assumptions. You know the old saying about assumptions. It makes an a** out of you and me. I don't know about you but I am always assuming that I know what is best for those around me, especially those I love and are close to me. I also assume that I know what you want from me and what you expect without a word being said. I think I am a mind reader and that those who love me can read my mind automatically and know what it is that I want from them.
4. Always Do Your Best. I try - I do. I am very hard on myself in this regard because of my age and my health the "best" I can do today is a lot less than that which I could do a few years ago. I don't know why I expect to be superwoman. I have more tolerance for others than I do for myself in this regard. I would no more expect someone I sponsor after having knee surgery to be up on a ladder sorting out top shelves of cupboards, but I put that expectation on myself. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not God and that this gift of sobriety that he has given me is precious and that God does not expect me to be superhuman. He just expects me to do my best.
I am glad that I was afforded the benefit of these gifts as a result of my husband attending this class and I hope that they will give you something to talk about in the coming week. If not, please just talk about whatever you need to in order to benefit your journey. Thanks for being here.
March 18 : Whatever It Takes to Stay Sober
Hi Ladies, I was told when I came in, to put as much effort into staying sober, as I put into getting drunk. Little did I know that it meant instead of running to the bottle when my feelings got hurt, it meant swallowing my pride. Little did I know that when my first sponsor shared my "secrets" with mutual friends outside the program, that it meant I had to work on forgiveness. Little did I know that when I tried to read out of "Only for Today" instead of the Daily Meditation at our morning meeting and offended some because I chose non-sanctioned material. I had to chalk that up as a learning experience. Little did I know that I would become a defender of those scared coming into a meeting and that THE ONLY REQUIREMENT IS A DESIRE TO STOP DRINKING. You don't have to declare allegiance to AA.
All those painful experiences have taught me that I am not as fragile as I think I am, that I ALONE am responsible for the quality of my sobriety, that I can't do this alone. AND most importantly I need the program of AA to learn to place principals before personalities.
Seeing what happened this week at this meeting, I just wanted to suggest that we share our AA horror stories and how we survived them.
Thanks for the opportunity to lead this meeting. I look forward to your shares on this topic, or anything that you feel the need to talk about.
March 11 : Forcing Solutions
As a topic for this week, I'd like to introduce a quote from Pocket Sponsor, a book published by Day by Day, Recovery Resources.
"It is our experience in recovery that a Power greater then ourselves places the answers before us that we need to hear when we need to hear them. Often we don't like the answers and practice self-will by trying to force our solution. Forcing solutions is the same as ignoring Step Three. When I force the solution, the solution becomes the problem."
I can see, looking back, that there were many, many times when my Higher Power, whom I have nicknamed "God," J put people, places, thoughts, and/or things in my life at just the right times to give me the guidance and opportunity to move to a better place in my spiritual/ mental/ emotional/ physical growth. Such times may have been filled with turmoil and pain or happiness and joy. But, always, it seems God was providing intuitive guidance regarding the "next right thing" to do.
However, sometimes, I would start listening to that squeaky hamster wheel in my head and would ignore the "still small voice" within me that was nudging with intuitive guidance toward a favorable solution. It could be that the "still small voice" was not coming quickly enough, or it was too "still" or too "small" or it wasn't saying what I wanted to hear. I would get into self-will run riot and try to force what I thought was the best solution. Unfortunately, before long I would realize that I had made a bigger mess of things, and my "solution" had indeed become a bigger problem.
Thankfully, I am reminded repeatedly in this Program, to pause when agitated, let go and let God, and to listen for intuitive guidance in all things. Though it is sometimes hard to wait (for the answer or opportunity), I remind myself of how perfectly God has handled things in the past. And, with the help of this Program and my recovering friends, I am better able to stop and listen for the inner voice that intuitively guides me into the best solution. By reflecting on the times when God clearly was guiding me, it helps grow my Faith, so that I am less inclined to jump into a situation with a plan to fix things "my way". J
I encourage each of you to share about how your Higher Power places the answers before you just when you need them, and/or how forcing your own solution may have caused more problems.
March 4 : Fear of Change
In the Serenity Prayer we ask for "courage to change the things we can" and everyone reading this has had the courage to admit that they can't go on drinking. Most of us have been able to admit that we are alcoholics and have surrendered to change in a big way. Sometimes we decide to change something, other times change can just happen in our lives and we have no control over it.
We could all write a book about changes like this, bereavement, changes in relationships, changes in financial situations and so on. One particular area of fear for me is to do with health, what I'm able to do (or not do!) because of illness and disability. When my energy levels are really low I'm afraid they'll get lower. When walking is particularly difficult I'm afraid of the next stage. Changes in pain levels make me afraid that the pain will get even worse.....and so on. Less understandable is an extreme reaction to unexpected hospitalizations (there have been a few!) Anyone would think I'm being sent to Outer Siberia :)
If I'm not vigilant, fear of change in any area of my life can cripple me and stop me from being able to live in the day. HOW (standing for honesty, open-mindedness and willingness) do I deal with it? Probably, when the fear shows itself, with a moment of panic :) I've learned through the program and through listening to the experience of folks in AA to shorten that moment as much as I can before it screws up my brain, so I talk about it as honestly as I can with another alcoholic. Then I have to live through the feelings that could overwhelm me. With the help of my Higher Power, AA meetings and usually more and more talking, I survive. Then comes the need to wash the kitchen floor (I wish my sponsor had thought of something nicer!) or to do other things that can occupy me while the initial feelings of fear subside.
I was a bit afraid I wouldn't get this share posted in time because I've got an infection and am feeling a bit rough. An AA friend of mine said, "Talk about it!". Simple really, in this case, fear gone
When I drank I lived in fear. The biggest fear was to do with the changes I'd have to make if I stopped drinking. So, whether you're trying to stop drinking, have stopped for a day or quite a few days, please share about what changes make you afraid today and let us know how you stop that fear from growing.
February 26 : Restraint of Pen & Tongue
This topic was suggested by a beloved member. It brings many thoughts to mind, and because I know I can get long on the keyboard, I'll try to be concise.
Drinking can cause our tongues to loosen up. Sometimes when we sober up we don't lose this quality. Consequently, sometimes we hurt, sometimes we're hurt.
One of the side effects of my traumatic brain injury is reduced inhibitions; a neuropsychologist equated it for me by saying I have the inhibitionscompletely soberof someone who's consumed a couple of drinks. That just means I have to be careful. For me, my lack of restraint means I get overly friendly. I will, for example, approach someone at Wal-Mart and remind them how blessed they are to have those two beautiful children (though I usually approach it by asking the children if their parents know they're blessed to be related to you? ). Most of the time is a welcome reminder; however, there have been times when I've over-done the props. But, not always.
When drinking I would flirt a bit too much with a cute guy. Enough to make my husband feel very uncomfortable if I was with him; that behavior was one of my reasons for sobering up. My amends is to stay sober and not repeat the behavior.
Lack of restraint with the tongue also includes giving someone our opinion of just what we think of either them or their behavior.
Now that we're in an era of the Internet, we have another way to apply our tongues, and it's less personalthough it still feels personalthan face-to-face contact. So, it's easier to let others really know what we think.
This week, please discuss if you've used your tongue (or proverbial tonguethe Internet) to hurt someone,, and how you made amends. Or, conversely, if you've been hurt, and wereand howwere amends made.
Or, of course, anything you need to discuss this week.
February 19 : Dealing with Feelings
I would like to propose the topic of dealing with feelings. How have you dealt with feelings of loss and sadness? I sometimes have a feeling of sadness overcome me out of the blue and it doesn't always seem to have a reason; just a general feeling. I am often at a loss for dealing with this and would like suggestions about how others handle this. The feelings usually pass but I wonder if sometimes my thoughts are causing this.
For example, one day as I was driving I was overcome by a really sad feeling and when I tuned into my thoughts, it seemed that I was telling myself something mean and self-critical every 20 seconds or so. I caught myself in the act.
I realized that my thoughts were causing my feelings. At that point, I became fed up with my thoughts and repeated over and over to myself "No Depression!" This seemed to stop the thoughts and the feelings of sadness.
So for me, I need to keep a strict eye on my thoughts and try to catch my stinking thinking before it turns to negative feelings which could lead to drinking. Sometimes, I just accept my feelings as unchangeable when in fact, if I examine the thought behind the feelings, it seems that I can change the thought and that changes the feeling. Other times, I just need to feel the feeling and go through it to the other side.
Please share with us how you deal with negative feelings in your life. Or feel free to share whatever is on your mind this week.
February 12 : When God Has Been there for You
Ladies of GROW, this is such a wonderful time for me, I am staying at the home of my online sponsor and she and her husband are spoiling me rotten! We are having great chats about AA and life is so totally different than it was 15 years ago. The Promises have all come true for this alcoholic, how blessed I am. Next Saturday, God willing, I will celebrate 15 years sobriety and that is a gift and a miracle that my gratitude knows no bounds for.
When I think back on my drinking years there were so many times that God was there for me and of course I did not realize it at the time.
One incident comes quickly to mind, I had prepared a meal of Corned Beef and Cabbage, put it on the stove to cook, had another drink and passed out. My husband came home for his supper and saw smoke billowing out the window, the meal had burned dry, the pot had melted down to a single piece of metal on the burner but ... the kitchen and the house and me had not burned. God had to have been there, how the whole house had not burned was a miracle. I still have that piece of metal and it reminds me of one of the many times God was there for me.
There is a poem by Mary Stephens called "Footprints in the Sand" I unsuccessfully tried to copy it here (I'm using an unfamiliar email program while away!!) but I'm sure you have all read this beautiful poem.When there was just one set of prints in the sand was when God was carrying us.
My daughter-in-law did a needlepoint of this poem and gave it to me my first sober Christmas, a very treasured gift.
I'd love to see you shares on your times when God was there for you. Thank you for allowing me to chair this week.
Feb 5 : Every Dark Cranny
Pg. 75, paragraph 2 of the Big Book:
"We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us."
This excerpt is full of golden nuggets. Let's look at it bit by bit.
If we DON'T put away our pride we will never be able to sort through the mess we've made of our lives and ourselves. We just can't. So, we take every ounce of it and pocket it away to begin our work.
We have to shine the light on every slice of our lives, character, attitudes, behaviorsthe whole pie! This will allow us to go into "every dark cranny" and clear out the rubbish. This will leave a clean slate on which to build our new lives/selves. If we don't keep any part of it back in the end we WILL be joyous, thrilled, and finally, after so many years of embarrassment, be able to "look the world in the eye." It is a great joy for me to be able to look at myself in the mirror each day. I no longer look away, cringe, or glare. My shoulders are back, my head held high, and a look of pride on my face.
I am at peace.
I no longer feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
I am no longer afraid.
*********
What about you? Have you searched every dark cranny? Are you at peace? Are you still afraid?
Jan 29 : Ego & Self Pity
Carol D., alcoholic, and thank you ladies for allowing me to be of service and chair this week's meeting. I decided to put out a topic that I have had some issues and feelings on.
I can remember when I came into the program and was doing my 4th step with my sponsor and she said something to the affect that whatever the issue was it was my ego. I absolutely could not believe she could think I had an ego. Not Carol, the people pleaser, no way. In my mind a person with ego was a person that walked and acted with arrogance and thought they were better than anyone else. Well just recently it has come up again and the bottom line was I just plain do not understand what ego is. I have been doing a lot of reading on ego and the only thing I have really understood is that "ego" can be good or bad. It is a defect when I am right and the rest of you out there don't know what you are talking about. Life will always be a struggle with our "ego", but we can keep it manageable , if we ask ourselves the question, is it to make me look good, or will it benefit others more.
I guess I thought when I got sober that my daughter's would want to spend more time with me and I was so looking forward to it. Now understand I did not spend much time with them when I was drinking because I knew they did not want me drinking and I did not want them to know I was drinking as much as I was. My oldest daughter lived with me from Dec. 2010 until Sept. 2011 as she was going through a divorce than she got a job and moved out. I do hear from her more frequently than when she was married to her ex. Now my younger daughter I have always been very close too and hardly ever hear from her anymore. So here I sit on the pity pot, which I also believe is "ego" because she has not called me in a few days. I have to stop myself and realize that she has a family and a job and a life and she is busy. Here again is not just "self-pity" but also "ego".
On the 18th of this month I celebrated 6 years sober and what a blessing for me, have not had to go back out for any reason, and what I love about this program is I am continually learning about myself and who I really am and that I can use the tools to make the changes that I need to make. When I first came in I wanted 10 years sober right from the get go, lol, but today I understand why this is a lifelong program. God is revealing to me in steps he know that I can accept and work on.
January 22 : Traditions & Slogans
My name is Gigi and I am an alcoholic. Today, by the grace of a Power greater than myself, and with the help of you and all my other A.A. comrades, I celebrate 23 years of continuous sobriety. I like the vein that we have been pursuing in the past weeks, because it is literature based. My recovery depended upon the literature early in my recovery, when I was too sick to go out for several months at a time and did not yet have a computer. I was given a list of the Steps and Traditions and the underlying principles. When I read the list of principles for the Traditions, I was surprised to see that many of them are our slogans.
Usually when I am in a f2f meeting and it is announced that the topic will be a Tradition, there is a round of groans around the room. :) Nevertheless! reading the Foreword to the Second Edition, we see that it states on page xix: "As we discovered the principles by which the individual alcoholic could live, so we had to evolve principles by which the AA groups and AA as a whole could survive and function effectively." These I have found to be helpful to me in living with and functioning effectively at home, at work, and in any group of which I am a member. If I am having difficulty with others, it often comes back to one of these.
(That page lists the Traditions, out of order and more as they are mentioned in our Preamble. I will send that as a separate post.)
So here they are, the Tradition and Slogans:
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A. A. unity.
Principle: Unity
2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority--a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
Principle: Right Relationship to HP; Let Go and Let God
3. The only requirement for A. A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.Principle:
Willingness
4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A. A. as a whole.
Principle: Live and Let Live
5. Each group has but one primary purpose -- to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
Principle: First Things First
6. An A. A. group ought never endorse, finance or lend the A. A. name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
Principle: Keep It Simple
7. Every A. A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
Principle: Self-Support
8. Alcoholics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
Principle: Altruism / Selflessness
9. A. A., as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
Principle: Service, Taking Responsibility
10. Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
Principle: Harmony
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.
Principle: Personal Humility
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
Principle: Tolerance
Please share with the group something about one of these principles or slogans. Which one is your personal favorite; which do you use the most right now? Do you aspire to one of these? Does one of them make you want to run the other way?
For me, First Things First is one I am using a lot right now. It's interesting to me that it fits right in with the job I do in GROW. As Back Up Listkeeper, I've been helping new members get into the group. It's a lovely service for me because I get to serve as one of the first contacts, along with my sister Listkeeper and the Greeters. We have a lot of newer members to AA lately, so it feels like First Things First is acting in my life. And our primary purpose of carrying the message is getting done (Tradition 5).
I have been struggling with my health the past year and a half, and staying in balance means that I have to prioritize my days well. First things have to come first or it all comes crashing down! It is a much simpler way to live than I would do on my own. :) Which is probably really good for me, and why I am in this position. When I let my HP take charge, I have to have First Things First. It means that sometimes I have to put dinner on the table for my husband and me rather than snack on stuff and sew or read. Again, really good for me, keeping life in balance, and eating a good meal instead of junk food.
January 15 : The Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I would like to share what it means to me and how it has affected my life. Then, I would like to hear what it means to you ladies and how/if you use it on a daily basis. For those of you who may not have found your God, maybe you could just repeat it without "God" in front.
I originally wanted to chair today because today is the 22nd anniversary of my father's death. Through God, The Serenity Prayer gave me courage and wisdom to accept his being gone.
Lately it has meant much more and helped much more. My mother passed away on Dec. 29 after many months of illness. She too was in the program and had 36 years of sobriety at the time of her passing. She would say the prayer often and I was able to see that it gave her much courage. She truly accepted that there was nothing she could change and that she was in God's hands. She passed with courage and grace.
For the funeral, I arranged to have The Lord's Prayer and The Serenity Prayer put on her prayer card. Many people there knew why. Some didn't know why. Anonymity meant a lot to her and we honored that to the end.
My brothers and sister didn't even know the prayer. But, by the end of her interment, I think they all knew it and found comfort in it.
Just repeating it over and over is calming. It helps me to stay positive and on track. I was familiar with it long before I came into A.A. I knew it because of my mom. I honor her each time I say it and I know it has to be the first thing I say in the morning to myself. If I ever have a desire to drink, I hope it will keep me on the right path of sobriety.
January 8 : Your Favorite Story or Passage of the Big Book
This topic came up recently in another recovery group I am a part of, I hope it wasn't here also...smiles...I am kinda losing it. I loved seeing all the different passages and stories that folks related to. I love everything about the BB. The Promises which Laura lead us on last week (by the way, my fav. part of the promises and I always say it to myself when read at a mtg is: "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which baffled us". However, the one story that I really relied on in early recovery...and still do til today is...can you guess?? It might have something to do with my screen name...it is from the 3rd Ed. of the BB --"Dr., Alcoholic, Addict" and it is Dr. Paul O's story...which on page 449 in the 3rd Ed. and page 417 in the 4th Ed. starts by saying, "And acceptance is the key to all my problems today...". I had to read that passage every AM before calling my sponsor when I first got sober...it has saved me many times....I even was blessed to have met and had Dr. Paul O sign my BB. His whole story was great. Many folks stop at 449 or 417..however, he has so much more to say after that famous passage. If you read on he goes on to say, "He goes on to say, "when I focus on what's good today, I have a good day, and when I focus on what's bad, I have a bad day. If I focus on problem, the problem increases; if I focus on the answer, the answer increases" (page 419 of the 4th Ed.).
That is what I try to live my life with today....focusing on solutions...its not always easy, esp when everything is crumbling around you...I usually, with the help of talking to my sponsor and others...can get myself there....
So, what is your favorite story or passage and how has it helped your sobriety today?
January 1 : The 9th Step Promises
When I first arrived in the rooms and when the promises were read, it was just as though people stopped reading in English and started reading in Chinese, or ancient Greek, or Basque, or Egyptian - some language that wasn't even from western Europe. Then, when they were done with the promises, they switched back to English.
For those who aren't sure of them, these are the 9th step promises (they are repeated also after this part of our meeting) (I am going to space them, not as they are printed, but as I "hear" them):
- If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
- We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
- We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
- We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
- No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
- We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away.
- Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
- Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
- We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
- We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
- Are these extravagant promises? WE THINK NOT. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
- They will always materialize if we work for them.
It wasn't as though I couldn't understand the individual words - it was that I did not comprehend - I did not in any way understand how the 9th step promises were possible or even relevant to my life.
But slowly, I began to hold on to "we will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace."
That particular promise (or two promises, I suppose) began to be something for me to grasp, as a drowning person grabs onto anything in the water that is floating. I so wanted that lack of drama. It began to be the touchstone through which I could surrender to HP - because I began to *know* that HP would help me comprehend "serenity" and to know peace. Lack of internal drama. Quiet acceptance. Knowledge that I'm doing HP's will - that I am choosing to live a truly sober life.
I began to realize that they don't make sense trying to find them before doing the 9th step - they make total sense coming at the amends phase of the Program of AA. And the promise that "they will always materialize if we work for them" is also so true, I've found.
I think during the rather dramatic and chaotic years of my early sobriety, this promise was the one that kept me praying. Not for serenity (I prayed a lot more often for the willingness to be willing to be willing...) but to know that it would come, as long as I kept doing the next right thing. It may have been - now that I write this - one of my early understandings that HP works in HP's time - and that it's not part of Laura B.'s job description to try to get HP to do things faster.
Anyway, I would love to hear what you think of one or all of the 9th step promises. They aren't, by any means, the only promises of AA, so if you'd rather write about a different AA promise, please do. And please, don't worry about it if you haven't gotten to Step 9, I'd still like to know about your experiences and thoughts around the promises.