Weekly Topics - July - December 2011
December 25 : How are you putting your sobriety first?
In three days, I will celebrate 25 years of sobriety, and for that I am deeply grateful. I can officially say that I have now been sober longer than I drank and drugged. I'd like to say that, because of this many years of sobriety, I am no longer at risk for taking a drink, however, that would be a lie.
Though it is true that my life today is so much better than I could have even dreamed when I was drinking ~ I've enjoyed all of the Promises, and I would generally describe myself as happy, peaceful and most times reasonably serene. And it is also true that I would never want to go back to that drinking and drugging life because it is a hard way to live. (For me, sober recovery is the "easier softer way".) However, three weeks ago, my 66 year old husband had a stroke and is now paralyzed on one side and is unable to speak, except for a few words. I was also told that he has two major blockages in his coronary arteries that will need to be treated because he is at risk for a heart attack.
Suddenly, my world shifted and nothing seems secure anymore. I don't know what the future holds regarding his health, what function he will be able to recover, his ability to work, or our finances. I had worked while my husband attended school and received various degrees and, our plan had been for me to finally be able to retire soon, while he continued working (he is an electrical contractor and we own our own company). I could go on and on about what life was "supposed to look like". But, all that has changed.
As I found myself reeling from the changes his medical condition caused in our lives, one evening as I was leaving the hospital after a long and stressful day, I felt so weary, afraid, angry and alone. Then, from out of nowhere, a thought and visual image "floated" into my head ~ it was an image of me sipping a glass of wine and savoring that warm, relaxed feeling ~ it felt like the most natural thing in the world I actually stopped walking and shook my head. The image was so vivid, it startled me. I immediately thanked God for my sobriety and asked His protection and care as I continue to make my way through these changes in my life.
That vivid thought/ visual image made me realize that, no matter how many years of sobriety I have, this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and I have only a daily reprieve from that slippery-slope-spiral down to the black hole I was in before I got sober.
My sobriety is dependant on my spiritual condition and, I was reminded that I must do my inner (spiritual) work to address the outer challenges in my life. For me, that inner work involves talking to God (a lot), staying out of the way so God can do His work, talking and sharing with sober alcoholics, striving to live by the principles / Steps of this Program, and attending meetings. What this means for me is that, no matter what is happening in my life (good or bad), my sobriety must come first.
Please share about what you do ~ or don't do ~ to put your sobriety first, regardless of what is happening in your life. Or, if you have a burning desire to share about something else that is going on in your life, please do so.
December 18 : Road to Recovery
"Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" by Portia Nelson
Chapter 1: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I PRETEND I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place, But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. It see it is there. I still fall in. It's a habit, but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter 4: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter 5: I walk down a different street.
This reading reminds me of the definition of Insanity by Albert Einstein: "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". Like - how many times did I tell myself after a day/night of heavy drinking and subsequent horrible hangover that I would never do that again? How many times did I make a promise to my God that if He got me out of the mess I had gotten myself into that I would never get drunk again? Too numerous to mention and I couldn't keep the promises I made. I would justify my drinking by telling myself that if s/he hadn't said or done that, or if you had my problems, you'd drink too, etc.
I would berate myself for doing this repeatedly and wondered why I couldn't get off the treadmill of doing the same things over and over again. That hole in the sidewalk (alcohol) removed my feelings of self-worth and self-esteem and left me feeling useless, worthless, less than and a person who even I wouldn't want to be around. When I became sick and tired of doing this, I prayed and cried out for help to my God to show me a better way to live my life.
My prayer was answered when a co-worker friend of mine with 9 years of sobriety saw the pain I was in and took me to my first meeting. I was relieved to learn that I wasn't a bad person trying to be good, but a sick person trying to get well. This made so much sense to me that I admitted I was an alcoholic and that my life was unmanageable. At first, I choked on the word, alcoholic, until I learned about your struggle with this disease and it was pretty much the same as mine. For the first time in my life, I finally fit in with a group - a group of alcoholics who got sober and helped others to get sober by sharing their ESH.
What havoc is/was that 'hole in the sidewalk' playing in your life? What or who helped to get you onto the Road to Recovery?
I'll be interested in reading your shares on this subject or on anything else that is happening in your life that you'd like to share with us.
December 11 : Patience and Tolerance
As the holiday approaches I find myself getting impatient much easier than any other time of the year. Driving seems so much more difficult as more people hit the road to go shopping and visiting. I have to call up all my patience to get through the aisles at the grocery store or a department store as people seem to walk around in a daze, staring at products or socializing with neighbors they haven't spoken to all year. My grandkids seem overly rambunctious and my kids seem a bit testier.
I thank my HP for this program for I have tools to not create wreckage for myself and others. In the 12 and 12, on page 141 it says: Could we then foresee that troublesome people were to become our principal teachers of patience and tolerance? I see it every day. Now I ask if I can help someone find something they are looking for, I let people get in front of me on the road, and I hug my grandkids and children much tighter whispering to them I love you.
St. Francis de Sales said: Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering our own imperfection, but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew.
Dec 4 : The Power of the Pause
I spent all of my conscious life considering myself a tenacious woman. I created myself as the person who rushes in and makes things happen. I was the go-to-gal if you needed something done at work or with my friends and family. I did not fail in this even in my heaviest drinking days, I always seemed to be able to power-through. But with my risky alcoholic behavior, this tenacious woman often rushed headlong into disaster as well.
My self-assured attitude proved to be a potential liability in AA too. I was thrilled to hear this was an action program. I immediately got busy and made coffee and drove women to meetings almost 7 days a week. I insisted that I do the 4th Step right away. Through sponsorship and reading (and writing in) my Big Book, I cobbled together what works as an instant fix for those moments when I feel compelled to rush in: Dont fight anything pause.
I have continued to find it important to my inner comfort (serenity) and my sobriety (physical and emotional) that I do not fight what comes my way. Instead I pause. If I am feeling or thinking negatively what I really need to do is dig deep and find some gratitude for what is working in my life in the big picture - deny the urge to allow the negative thoughts in and focus on the fact that I have indeed had a profound personality change sufficient enough to allow me to be sober today AND that serenity is possible if I do not pick up a drink. I need to remember that if I choose to take one drink I will be swept up in the phenomena of craving and will likely not be able to get back to this good place that I have seen can be a reality for me if I work, or pause, through rough moment.
11th Step: Thy will (not mine) be done
I read this reading in my morning meditation today (from As Bill Sees It) and felt like it hit home with me and decided to share with my GROW family.
Do It Our Way? p 329
In praying, our immediate temptation will be to ask for specific solutions to specific problems, and for the ability to help other people as we have already thought they should be helped. In that case, we are asking God to do it our way. Therefore, we ought to consider each request carefully to see what its real merit is. Even so, when making specific requests, it will be well to add to each one of them this qualification: "... if it be Thy will."
TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 102
The Big Book advises against praying for our needs, unless it would benefit others. I have a lot of experience in praying for selfish needs: "God please let me out of this speeding ticket" "please don't let him know I spent this amount of money" (you get the idea, lol). My sponsor pointed out in the tenth step that the Big Book reads, "How can I best serve Thee. Thy will (not mine) be done." It is my purpose to enter any situation as a trusted servant, opposed to my innate nature to seek for my own needs.
What is your experience, strength, and hope in practicing the eleventh step in your daily affairs, when praying for God's help "selflessly"?
November 20 : Things You are Grateful For
I feel blessed to be able to chair the meeting this week. I always like to chair around my anniversary because of the gratitude that I feel for this program and the life it has given me.
November is gratitude month and a good time around the upcoming holidays to feel and express the gratitude we have for our lives. I don't know about you gals, but if you were anything like me at the end of your drinking you didn't feel grateful for anything or anybody. My parents lived 3000 miles away, my children 1500 miles away and there was no one left in my life to put the blame on. If I could have left me I would have. I was drinking to die and it just wasn't happening. The thought of living the way I was for the rest of my life was what finally brought me to my knees and gave me the gift of desperation.
It wasn't easy. I fought against it and "yeah but" everything that was told to me. The pain of being dry was as bad as the pain brought on by my drinking and I finally had to surrender to the steps and to a God that I didn't understand. I still cannot describe what God is, and I still don't understand how He works, but I know that He is there. The longer I am here I can see more clearly where He has always taken care of me. I should not have lived through many of the things that happened in my life prior to and after coming into this program. I am truly blessed.
I was told that the gifts I would be given by staying sober and living this program daily would far exceed any dreams that I could have thought of back then and they were right. I would have sold myself short. Please share with us this Thanksgiving week the things that you are grateful for in your lives. Of course, feel free to share on whatever else is on your minds also. I encourage our new members to get their feet wet by sharing also.
November 13 : Working It - Staying Sober Through the Party Season
I've had a whirlwind summer and fall this year. Travel was a huge part of my schedule. Plugged into the at time away from home was all the "regular" chaos of a multi-generational family was a few great things and a few disasters. "Hopefully" one of our Son's Weddings last weekend signaled a bit of a break before the Holidays.
Why this long (probably boring) paragraph?
I've been sober for quite a few 24 hrs.. I have a long Gratitude list. I've not drank far longer than I did. I am an alcoholic. I was , I am, I always will be. As long as I remember this Truth and practice ALL the suggested life-saving behaviors, beliefs and admonitions the ladies of AA have taught me, I don't have to drink one day at a time. I've learned that I've worked this Program so earnestly, the Program works me before I realize I'm in shaky emotional or spiritual ground.
Rather than fight myself about going up to the cash bar at John's Wedding (who I got to Marry!!!!!), I was sitting back, rocking and humming the two youngest Grandloves to sleep (1 at a time) and praying for the few folks there who seem to be running toward this Fellowship, Jail or the Grave.
So, after my never-ending share, How are you working or not working this HP given Gift of LIFE. What needs tweaking to prepare for the Holidays so we stay sober through the party season of the year?
"It works IF you work it" is real.
November 5 : Liberation and Strength
From pg. 21, paragraph 3 of the 12 x 12:
"We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built."
We all talk about the bad side of alcoholism. I thought we would look at what that "bad side" brought us. We have a lot of new members who are young in recovery. I know this will really help them.
So, it became obvious to me that until I was at my utter bottom with nothing left of my pride, ego, or life I would have no desire to go up. I just kept staying in misery - in fact wallowing in it. Yet, once at the bottom, the utter defeat, I can attest that I did indeed find freedom, a loosening of the bonds, and a strength I didn't know I had. And as I gained another day of sobriety, and another, and another, and so on, the strength increased. As I worked the steps and started understanding why I had behaved as I did, within I found I had a strength I could be proud of and rely upon. I was truly liberated.
The other part was admitting I was utterly powerlessness and when I did I earned a foundation for the rest of my recovery. At the start did I think it was bedrock? Of course not! It took time to realize what I was building. At first you just feel lost, you aren't catching everything that's being said, you're scared (white knuckling it), you have little faith in yourself. You certainly don't realize that you are building a bedrock foundation for the rest of your recovery. But, you are. And in time you stand up and feel the firm rock under your feet. You start taking more steps and you feel that liberation and strength filling your soul.
This, my friends, is the joy of recovery. The joy of realizing you CAN do it. The joy of realizing the misery is behind you and hope is in front of you.
Liberation, strength, and bedrock. Three words to remember. The floor is now open for sharing.
October 30, 2011 : What Spirituality Means to You
Good day ladies....Nachelle: alcoholic. This week I would like to discuss spirituality, our higher powers. We say that AA is a spiritual program...what does that mean to you? How has spirituality changed for you?
As for me...I believe spirituality is different for each person. There are probably 7 billion different ideas about this in the World! I was raised with a very strict, dogmatic religion. I know my parents were doing what they thought was right but at 16 I rebelled hard. I struggled for many years to figure this out. I had a hard time making sense of it all. I explored and researched many different faiths and belief systems. I found it all fascinating historically and culturally but couldn't see how it applied to my life. I got drunker and drunker.
I knew when I came back to AA I would have to keep step 2 and step 3 simple. I couldn't complicate it. So I started with asking the "Universe" for help in the morning and thank you at night. My spiritual journey began. I have met many people in AA and with my job I have been to meetings in Canada, USA, Belize, Guatemala, Peru, Ecuador, Portugal, Thailand, India. All very diverse Countries and different belief systems and that's the beauty of AA....it's INCLUSIVE!!!!!! Any higher power or God/Goddess will do. Even atheists and agnostics. I know that when I came in, my perceptions and thinking was so messed up and I was so self absorbed. The concept of getting out of myself and being a part of this World was refreshing. No one told me what to believe in, I was told to find my own truth. That was very important to me. If I'd been told what to believe, I would have left....and probably not drawn another sober breath. Today I have come to peace with the religion of my childhood and see the positives in it, I respect a great many religions and philosophies. My journey has led me to some fascinating ideas and people. I know that it will continue as long as I keep an open mind.
My higher power is more what I don't understand...and today that is ok. I try to be content to live in the question. As some call is "the great mystery". I believe to keep AA a safe, inclusive place we need to continue to discuss our spirituality in a general way. Keeping our arguments for or against any religion out of our meetings. As step 2 says in the 12 & 12, we resigned from the debating society.
Today my HP speaks through life circumstances, trusted friends, AA meetings. spiritual books and the more I pray & meditate, the more inspiration comes to me in the quiet and my intuition. I am grateful today for my quiet times of prayer and meditation and all the interesting things I've learned and people I have met on this spiritual quest. AA is my foundation.
For many years alcohol (and other unhealthy stuff) was my higher power, my God. I knew when I was new I needed to replace this. If you're new here...I encourage you to keep this matter simple. Find your own truth, pray and hang on.
It does work!
Feel free to share about what spirituality means in your sobriety or anything you need to.
Thanks for letting me chair!
October 23, 2011 : Letting Up on Disciplines
Sorry for the lateness of the meeting but just got a message from Laura B. that she needed a substitute so I really did not have alot of time to think so I'm going with something that I have a tendency to struggle with. That is "Letting Up on Disciplines". The one thing I have come to learn about the program of AA is that it is a program of action. It is up to me, Carol D, to take the action today to not drink one day at a time. Now I have been given a tool kit with all new tools in it to help me to do this. In my tool kit I have prayer, meditation, daily inventory, AA attendance, and service to the groups. My daily routine when I get up is of course to use the ladies room, get cleaned up and ready for work. I just recently realized that I have this extra time in the morning to say my prayers, and do my meditation for the day instead of flipping on the TV and watching HLN. So here I am on my way to work saying my prayers and trying to meditate while all these cars are zooming by me or the deer are running out in the road in front of me.
Just this past week I have been changing my routine a little to get my prayers in as soon as I sit down after getting ready for work instead of flipping on the TV. At night when I go to bed (you are gonna love this one but the truth) I read AA literature and seem to have to have some candy. I noticed that I was getting very tired (probably from the candy) and forgetting to take my daily inventory but I have always thanked God (my higher power) for my sobriety for that day. So now I am doing my prayers and daily inventory before I read and eat my candy.
Prior to my retirement and getting this parttime job I would go from work to an AA meeting as I usually worked late. Now I get home anywhere from 12:30 - 4:30 pm so I will get comfortable and than not want to get cleaned up to go to a meeting, plus I am getting to where I hate driving so far all the time. So Friday night my sponsor and I were going to go to a meeting and on Thurs. she had a root canal done so needless to say was not feeling up to it. So now the stinkin thinkin comes in my head that I really don't have to go to a meeting and I really don't want to go by myself. My head went back and forth until finally I just got up and decided to go. My trip was 93 miles round trip but an awesome women's meeting up north. I was so glad I went and felt so much better after I left the meeting for the drive home. So I am committing myself to that meeting every other Fri night.
I have noticed that I have not been doing alot of volunteering in the past year and I realized it was because if I did I would have to keep that committment. Hello, not sure I wanted to do that. It just amazes me at myself what this program has taught me. I am going to start volunteering again to set up a meeting and chair more often in my other groups.
This is all the things that have got me this far in my sobriety and has kept me from a relapse. The things that I was very disciplined about in my first 4 yrs sober so today I know that letting up on my disciplines gets me to stinkin thinkin and that I don't like.
Thank you gals for letting me chair and for being such a huge part of my journey in sobriety. I hope all of you take just a little bit of your time to share this week as that is also service work and also helps me alot. Have a great week to all of you.
October 16, 2011: It's My Choice
When it came to the *choice* of topic for today, the whole cloud of themes, thoughts, feelings, and phrases from the Big Book started swarming in my head, and I could not make a decision! They all seemed equally pertinent and important. I often struggle with making choices, and waste my time running backwards and forwards in my head, until the opportunity is missed altogether.
I drank for 20 years - and, looking back, it feels like the choice was made for me. I am an alcoholic, and I was enslaved, imprisoned, incapacitated by alcohol. Many times did I feel desperate because my drinking took me to really dark places, and I was hurting people around me, including my husband, my parents, who were devastated, my two lovely children... However, even if I could stop for a short while, I would inevitably go back to drinking - I couldn't imagine life without alcohol. I didn't know it was possible. I didn't know there was a choice.
Today I *choose* to stay away from the first swig of booze. It is so liberating! The word "choice" for me is full of hope. I know - and I have learnt it the hard way - that nothing will get better or easier, if I pick up a drink. Now, that I am sober, I have a clear head, and it is a beautiful gift! No matter how imperfect I am, indecisive, inefficient, irritable, forgetful, still selfish, often confused, I know that today I can choose to make progress, to learn, and to grow.
I have been sober for 1 year and 5 months, and I am still learning to live. It is hard at times, my reactions are often out of proportion, and I struggle badly with planning and fitting everything in. I agonise over making *choices*, deciding what is important and what isn't in everyday life.
However, I have acquired faith today. It is indeed a miracle. Today I believe that, if I stay sober and work the programme, if I try to be honest, open-minded and helpful, if I try to listen and not to rush, if I pray and don't jump to conclusions, then gradually everything will sort itself out. The right decisions will become evident. The solutions will be apparent. The *choices* be "made for me", in such a way that I can be useful and self-realised.
Today, I can choose to pause, 'when agitated or doubtful', and start my day afresh... Sadly, I don't do it as often as I should... More often than not, I choose not to beat myself up about it, and I mumble as a mantra "it's progress not perfection". Despite all my shortcomings, I choose to be happy today. There is a long 'road of happy destiny' lying ahead of me.
October 9, 2011 : Detachment
Just another aspect that I rather struggled with when I first came into the program. I don't know about you gals but I find the longer I am in the program that so many different things I struggled with now comes so much easier for me. When I read the BB so many times things pop out at me that I know I have read many different times and now makes sense to me. It's like the light bulb goes on for me.
Detaching myself from old habits, drinking friends and old hangouts was difficult. Now I have to admit that as far as the friends went most of them just disappeared and that was hard for me, I finally had to accept the fact that they were not friends but just drinking buddies. The ones that did still come around I had to lovingly detach myself from them if they were drinking but most willing to spend time with them if they were not. Did not go to showers, get-togethers or parties where there was drinking but thanked them for inviting me.
I had to do the same thing with my ole hangouts but just went, for instance, up the street to the bar for lunch with my grandchildren and daughter. When I went there, there was no one there but the owners and I did not even do that until I was 4 yrs sober and never went often.
Detaching from old habits was a toughie. When you do something for so long it is truly hard to break the pattern. My way of doing it, I finally realized, was I was isolating. I would go too work, go too meetings, come home get on my puter and than go to bed. This summer was the first time I even spent any time at all in my backyard, see I use to sit at my picnic table and drink in my backyard so I had a really hard time sitting in the backyard because I would think about drinking, this was all in my head before I would even do it. See for me detaching was similar to "letting go and letting God" and you all know how we like to take our wills back now and than. When things happen today that I feel I have to detach from I can do it with love and kindness.
Last week I went to (6) f2f meetings and it was really awesome as that is what I did for my first 3 yrs sober. I went to all different meetings and it just felt so good. I want to thank you gals for allowing me to chair this meeting and for being here with me helping me to stay sober. What does detachment in the program mean to you or feel free to share on any topic you wish.
October 2, 2011 : Only for today
Dear Ladies of Grow, I am choosing this topic because of our so many new members who have decided that they don't want to drink today. This was given to me when I came into these rooms and it truly helped me to decide what was important and what wasn't. If you would please share on one statement that rings true for you, or on any other literature that helped to shape you into the sober woman you are today, Please do so. Of course feel free to share on anything that is affecting your sobority. The meeting is yours, the floor is open.....
The daily decalogue of Pope John XXIII
- Only for today, I will seek to live the livelong day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.
- Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behaviour; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.
- Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.
- Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.
- Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.
- Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.
- Only for today, I will do at least one thing I do not like doing; and if my feelings are hurt, I will make sure that no one notices.
- Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.
- Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.
- Only for today, I will have no fears. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness. Indeed, for 24 hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life.
September 25 : TIME: the four letter word...
Hi Ladies, Jennifer here, definitely and alkie and a grateful one despite the pain I am in today....was thinking about a topic and decided to read in one of my meditation books as this is a new assignment that my sponsor has suggested to me *winks* and it was perfect as usual.... the reading is not from an "AA approved" meditation book, not sure the protocol here so going to take a chance that I posting this is ok. If I have broken tradition, I apologize ahead of time:
This is from "A Women's Spirit" published by Hazelden
September 25:
"We can trust in the constancy of one thing---TIME will always move forward, taking us away from the old and gently guiding us to the new"--Amy E. Dean
"It's human nature to want the pleasurable experiences to last forever and the painful ones to leave immediately. But we can't move through anything faster then the hands of the clock will allow. A better response to our circumstances, regardless of their flavor, is acceptance that GOD/(HP) has put a lesson in them for us and we can't adequately judge the long term value of any of our experiences. Nothing lasts forever. The slogan, "This too shall pass" promises us the emotional relief we need when times are hard. Time is our friend, always, even when we don't like the lesson. We do get what we need, when we need it.
Wow, when I read that I was like....whew.... and it is true. For me and everything that I have endured, the happy, sad, good and bad...has to be to allow time to have its allowance...and to turn it over the HP and know that it will pass....maybe not when I want it to...but it will pass.
This passage is Timely (eh see how I got that in there....) as many of you know and recently read everything and that wasn't even everything, that I have gone through in sobriety.... especially my recent emergency back surgery....which was sorta like 2 months in the working...it just wasn't until my last fall and almost 2 weeks later of agony that I chose to accept I needed to see what was going on. I knew something didn't feel right and entered the hospital on Aug 31st....surgery a week later, 20 hours after surgery, released out of the hospital to a nursing skilled facility where the average age was ppl in their 80's smiles...but it was the best and cleanest in the area and I didn't care... I thought my doc was drunk when he released me 20 hrs after surgery, however, it was a blessing...and I got on the road to recovery as I needed....not my timing...but what HP knew was best for me...
As I do believe in lessons also...this has been a lesson in accepting the things I can not change for quite some years now...haven't been good about it....but things happen for a reason and I am blessed that these falls happened and I got a chance to have one of the best surgeons operate on a disc that has been deemed inoperable for 19 yrs. This fall was a lesson and a blessing. I am not angry at HP at all....this whole process of my body changing and my health and having to learn to change my way of living is an ongoing lesson and process. I have had to accept HP's time not mine with everything that has happened in life.
NOW: With this surgery, I have nothing but time....I don't have a choice, and if I do something that I am not ready for ...believe me, I feel it, so I have one choice....to accept that my rehab from this surgery is going to take time...maybe even up to a year... that I can not bend lift or twist for the next 6 weeks and possibly no bending or twisting for life...lifting is going to be in time... TIME...time..... and I would be lying if I am making it look like things are peachy and rosey...trust me...I am going through depression, frustration, anger, frustration, screaming at times when something as simple as something dropping I can't pick up...and I am reminded by my mom or others around me, "This too shall pass...in time...things will get better"...heck...I am only a little over 2 weeks out of major surgery and I am somewhat mobile...ppl say I am doing better then anticipated...and with that, I must be reminded to take it easy....
This did not happen overnight, acceptance, working this program...turning it over...however, it does happen, with time.. The promises are promised to us, in time....and if I am lucky...this thursday I will be celebrating 19 yrs of continuous recovery...ironically, 19 yrs ago when I walked into the program, I was recovered from my first back surgery (Jan, 92), same disc, same procedure, other side of the disc and it failed..this time it, so far, is deemed successful...how is that for time and full circle!!
Please share what TIME means to you...or anything else you might have gotten from the reading....again, apologies if I broke tradition and look forward to hearing your ESH!! Thanks for allowing me the honor to chair with that I pass.... Hugs
September 18 : Dealing with Difficult Situations
Hi everyone. I am a bit nervous writing because I am coming up on a year next week without a drink and with a sponsor - - both being a very special blessing. What makes me nervous is I am thinking "how do I sound like someone who almost has a year??" Crazy right?! Because what you are reading is what someone, like me, who almost has a year sounds like. I have been sober before and I have been in relapse before.....and I have been a dry drunk before. The first time I really got sober was special. I had a sponsor at that time too. My life was very different. I was younger, healthier, and with only myself to be responsible for. Ghetto girl went to college and opportunities were limit-less. Although I have been in and out since that time I have never lost site of what could be for me. This time around is very different. My life situation is very different. My goals are different. I have a wonderful partner and a beautiful daughter. I am different.
So...I have been struggling with some medications issues lately. Not the usual what is safe to take/what is not safe to take stuff. I am starting new medications for my Hep C and they have to be authorized and sent through the insurance's specialty pharmacy and after spending several weeks just getting things straight between my PCP and my liver doctor - - I now find myself spending time repeating the same info to the pharmacy, my doctor's office and my medical insurance re: my policy information. (now I am worried this might be too long - - -) So trying to be brief I have had difficulty not only getting my doctor to agree to the medication (because of other medical issues), but then getting it authorized through my insurer and delivered to my door.
More of the story goes like this...I was also on two of these meds in the past and they did not work - now there is a new third med added to it and there seems to be a better response - - I have been on the first two meds for several trials so I know what to expect re: side effects. Also, I have a fear deep down "what if this doesn't work??" So as you can imagine my head has been crazy at times. So when talking with my sponsor she said to share about what got me through all this; and my answer to her was that this is not my whole life. I know it would have been cooler to say the steps, the meetings, the support of the women in this program...but really, that is what I am saying because without you guys I would be drinking -- this would be the perfect justification for that first (second, third, fourth...) drink. Instead I have been able to continue to work, be a mom, a partner, have fun and even start some trouble at times.
And, again, most importantly to not drink or drug. So this is a biggie for me. Being powerless in so many ways and just continuing to put one foot in front of the other and focusing on and in the moment. I have a sponsor that allows me to whine at times -- which sometimes I need to do - -but my whining passes. I used to wonder why God would put me in a position to be sober and then not allow the medications to work to allow me to enjoy my sober life. Well, I think it has something to do with God allowing me to see that my sober life, which includes the Hep C, is worth something and that He will push me through when I am afraid.
So what I would like to read about is how other people have dealt with difficult situations in recovery (maybe some can share on health issues/acceptance), and how have these "situations" impacted their relationship with their Higher Power. Or just share about anything that is on your mind...This is your meeting.
Thanks for this opportunity to chair the meeting and welcome to all the new members.
September 11 : Surrender/Step 3
For the past couple weeks I have wanted to drink. I guess you could say I wanted to experiment, you know to see if I really really was an alcoholic, understand one thing, in one hand I know that I am but in the other hand the thought has been crossing my mind that maybe I should try it. Been attending many meetings because of this and have been sharing about it at the meetings. Doing alot of reading on AA literature trying to find my answer to this dilemna. Understand the last thing I want to do is relapse. It all came about because of the corn roast I held Sat of Labor Day weekend. I can't be around people drinking without it crossing my mind. The funny part about it is there is no one that knows me that would allow me to buy or would even sell to me any alcohol.
Well anyway the corn roast went well I have not had to relapse but thinking about it really bothers me. So in talking to a gal in the program that I attend meetings with as much as we can (our work schedules collide alot) has been very worried about me because of this. She was talking to me the other night and she thinks that the reason I struggle with this now and than is because I have not "surrendered". I struggle with meditation as my head is alot worse than any squirrel cage you could imagine. I worry about everything and everyone even if I don't know them personally. So a gal I used to work with also struggles with meditation and a gal at her church told her to say her prayers and do her meditation out loud. So I am trying that.
Personally I do feel I have surrendered but after she talked to me about that I am questioning myself as to exactly what "surrender" is. I try very hard to let go and let God in situations where I have no control but I still worry about it. I trust God that whatever happens is what was meant to be. Doesn't mean it does not upset me. I believe I work very hard at my program and it really bothers me that thoughts of drinking would even come into my mind. I know when I first came into the program it seemed as though everyone at the tables had relapsed once or more. I than thought maybe that was part of the program until my sponsor here online (no longer in the group) told me that relapse did not have to be a part of my program.
I feel that I have turned my will and life over to the care of God as I understand him but now I'm wondering if I really have. Maybe my way of doing it is not the right way, I don't know. I don't think I've had any huge spiritual experience but I do feel it was a spiritual experience the night I called my daughter and said I needed help. I believe that was God tapping me on the shoulder telling me to reach out for help.
Maybe you gals can share your ESH on this and help me too understand this whole deal with surrendering. If anyone has something else they need to share on please go for it.
September 4 : The journey, perfection, where God wants me to be
On September 2, 2012, I celebrated nine years sober. While writing my sober share, I wrote the following paragraph:
A lesson that I'm learning from God, many times via this room, is that I'm on a *journey* that never ends, and with that I never get to the ultimate goal. It's always the goal. The goal is right now. There's no hurry for me to be perfect, because perfect for me is to be in the place that God wants me to be, and that's right here, right now.
Perfect is a human concept, I'm thinking today, not a God concept.
Please elaborate this, however you'd like the journey part, the perfect part, the where God wants me to be part your choice.
Or, as always, write on what you need to write on this week.
I'd like to let this ruminate in my brain for a while, and I'll share later this week.
Thank you for being in this room.
August 28 : How You Are/Are Not a Part Of
I volunteered to chair this week because yesterday was my 61 st belly-button birthday. As I said to a meeting yesterday, I was planning to kill myself when I was 37.5 years old, and I can testify that this program saved my life!
So many topics possible! What I'd like to see discussed - because it has been so very important in my recovery - is to become "a part of" and to let go of being "apart from." As I am typing all of this on my "smart phone" I will share more later but I wanted to get the meeting out. So how are you (or how are you not) a part of? (AA and/or the rest of life)? What does this mean for you?
So I'd like to hear from all about this. If you are still as I was not so very long ago and niot feeling a part of AA as it is called "a we program" or resent it I still encourage you to share with us. If you find it a confusing idea please share that. Everyone's voice and thoughts help me!
Thanks everyone and have a great meeting.
August 21 : Cravings
While reflecting this morning as to what I wanted to share, cravings kept coming to mind. Was it the physical craving of alcohol that kept you coming back when you knew it had become a problem or was the the "affect" of the alcohol that kept you drinking before you started your journey to sobriety?
For me it has been more of the affect of alcohol. I don't desire to drink everyday but when I feel the strongest urge to drink is when I was upset or depressed about a situation and I have "given up"...I just didn't care anymore and I would give in and drink...I am still struggling with this as I am still trying desperately to put together a good length of sobriety, but I realize what it is that's causing me to fall and am more aware of my feelings and acting out. I have also started seeing a counselor to help with some of the issues that are causing me to become depressed.
Life is a journey, not a destination and that holds true for sobriety! Thank you for letting me share! Many blessed days/years of sobriety for us all!
August 14 : I Want the Hand of AA to be There Always
When I first got sober I stuck around the rooms of AA for about 3 years. I had a sponsor, went to meetings, did my steps. Then I figured I was good to go. After all, I had no intention of ever e drinking again. Good heavens, I had almost died from alcoholic hepatitis. I surely would never be dumb enough to pick up a drink! No way. I had learned my lesson.
I wanted the hand of AA always to be there whenever someone reached out for help. But it didn't have to be MY hand. After all, I had things to do and places to be.
Fast forward five more years and we find this alcoholic sipping some wines at a tasting event. Within weeks I was back in my closet, drinking nonstop from morning until "nap" time. I basically went from pass out to pass out for several months.
Luckily, six years ago (8-13-05) I put the plug in the jug and came crawling back into the rooms of AA.
"Whenever anyone, anywhere reaches out for help I want the hand of AA to be there. For that I am responsible."
I finally got it. I only got this program because someone was willing to be the hand of AA when I reached out. I only get to keep this program by BEING the hand of AA.
And how do I put that idea into action? By doing service for the AA organization. By being willing to sponsor women. By being as generous as I can when the basket is passed both here online and in person. By taking part in the fellowship here and F2F. By participating and sharing even when I don't feel like it.
How about you? What do you think about that quote? How does it affect the way you live your life?
I look forward to reading your shares. Thank you all for helping me reach six years of continuous sobriety...and for keeping me connected.
August 7 : Isolating
Isolating has always been my first response to anything difficult. When I look back I realize that I did it as a child and if I couldn't isolate physically I could certainly escape mentally, I thought it made me feel safe.
I drank mostly on my own. Isolating was a friend to start with, until I got sober and realized it could be my greatest enemy.
When did I isolate? Whenever I felt uncomfortable, when there was pain of any sort, when I felt I was a failure or felt threatened. Sometimes there was no reason, sometimes it was just habit.
Why did I isolate? So many reasons. I didn't think I was good enough, I couldn't tell you my secrets in case you wouldn't like me......and so on. When I came into AA I was afraid that if you got to know the real me you wouldn't accept me. I remember times when the one thing I needed most was a meeting and I really, really didn't want to go. To be with people and let them see I was hurting, tell them about my problems, was sometimes too difficult. Sometimes I would leave a meeting feeling vulnerable - the advice of those who had already been down this path was always -phone your sponsor as soon as you get home!
What effect did it have on me? It made me feel different, lonely, unworthy, misunderstood, less able to think straight, less able to follow the program. There were so many effects I can't list them. Possibly the worst effect was that it enabled me to perpetuate the myth that I could do this living business on my own.
What makes me stop isolating? New, learned behavior, behaviour I have to reinforce day after day . As soon as I recognize what I'm doing, I pick up the phone to another AA member even though that's the last thing I want to do. Excuses spring up like, they might be having dinner, perhaps they've got company. Most powerful excuse of all - they certainly wouldn't want to hear from me. Hopefully, by the time I get to this excuse I already have the phone in my hand!
I've used past and present tenses. Isolating can still be an instinctive reaction to life.
When I recognize the behavior and make the effort to connect, it increases my self worth and reminds me that I am part of a family now. It puts space between me and a drink......
.....and it sweeps away the loneliness.
Whether you're trying to stop drinking, have hours, days or years of sobriety it would be great to hear your experience. Please share with us when you isolate, why you isolate, what effects it has on you and how you manage to stop doing it....and, of course, share on anything else you need to even if it's not connected to the topic.
July 31 : Patience And Understanding Succeed Every time
Patience: Too many times discouragement has been the bonus for unrealistic expectations, not to mention self-pity or fatigue from my wanting to change the world by the weekend. Discouragement is a warning signal that I may have wandered across the God/HP line. The secret of fulfilling my potential is in acknowledging my limitations and believing that time is a gift, not a threat.
- Daily Reflections, p. 70
AA Acronym - P A U S E = Patience And Understanding Succeed Every Time
Hi All, Jennifer here, definitely and alkie, and one who must of accidently prayed for patience. I had a tough time picking a topic...it was between Fear, Asking for help or Patience...this one won. I have had to practice a lot of patience lately.
Back when I was using, I prided myself on being a master manipulator!! If I wanted something, I would get it when I wanted it and if I couldn't I would figure out a way to get it!! I was a master actress and didn't even know it. Today, I have to be careful of this character defect. My friend in AA and I tease and say that we are "creative" not manipulating...however...if I am not careful, it can go into manipulation and I have to be very vigilant of this. I know I am manipulating when I am not patient about an outcome or a forthcoming thing. When I have "unrealistic expectations...self-pity and/or fatigue of wanting to change my world in a weekend", or that day for that matter. It is when I try to take over the show....
Recently, I have shared about how I am going through yet another physical set back which then plays on my emotional and spiritual side and can set me back if I am not careful...(talking to my sponsor, working the step I need to for the situation, staying in solution and most of all, turning it over). Patience this last week was going on Doctor's timeframe not mine. And being patient waiting for the results. It has been a chore for me to be patient enough to wait for my MRI report I will get with my doc tomorrow. She is a stickler for having to go back to her for results, she WILL NOT allow other docs to get the report until she gets it first! Usually, being the good alkie I am, could manipulate the results same day...this time, I had to sit back and wait, and I hate it, but it has been a great lesson on Patience. What I learned is that the results are the results, either way, there is nothing more I can do then what I am doing. Bed rest (which I haven't been that good at), ice and meds (again, under doing that too), and making appropriate doc follow up appts (which I did do in the event I needed a neurosurgeon). PT I am starting anyway on Tuesday...Asking for help (hard to do but have been reaching out) so, really there is nothing more that I can do...the results are what they will be whether I got them Fri. or Monday.
The second part of the patience thing is I do have unrealistic expectations that my back "should be" better by now. I do have to admit, I go into self pity, some fear that I have gone backward again and not knowing what the future holds. Again, I am reminded to keep it simple...be patient. stop and meditate...read each day from a meditation book or AA lit. and become centered and ask HP to walk with me. "The secret to fulfilling my potential is by acknowledging my limitations and believing that time is a gift, not a treat"... Today, I need and have to acknowledge my limitations and believe that in time....things will get better....solutions will present themselves....I may have to re-arrange my life again, or make adaptations to how I do things, I have had to do this all through sobrietyand what a special gift it is that no matter what, I don't haave to drink over any of it today!!!! In Closing, I threw in the acronym that is always sent with our daily thought and I think it appropriate for me today:
PAUSE: Patience and Understanding Succeed Everytime....this I know for sure..I may not remember when going threw my stuff, but if I PAUSE and connect with HP, let go of unrealistic expectations...I do succeed through everytime.
So please share on Patience or anything else you might have gotten out of this share....(I think I kinda got a few different topics mixed in there, sorry, not the greatest in expressing via writing, made sense to me, smiles) I look forward to hearing your ESH.
July 24 : Progress not perfection
Good afternoon ladies Colleen here alcoholic. This program of AA is works if you work it. I know for me I must work these steps on a daily basis. I must believe there is a higher power who guides me and protects me. Drinking is no longer an option for me. It has taken 30 plus years to finally learn that this program offers so much more than not drinking.
As Dr Bob said "Try to find your own God. . .as you understand Him." When I start doubting God I remember how powerful that first drink could be for me if I let I - so God must be all powerful. I accept that I am sober by God's grace.
I was in a crabby mood the other day; I am human. I said some things to my husband which weren't very nice. We talked it over the next day and I had to make amends. I have no right to let my bad mood hurt him. That is why I love this program we can start our day over when we need/want to.
Please share on this (progress not perfection) or anything else you need to discuss
Wishing you a peaceful and cooler week! Thanks for reading me.
July 17 : Intuitive Guidance
I want to share with you something that I have come to rely on which I have enjoyed as a benefit of working the Steps in this Program.
You know, there is a passage in "Stepping Stones to Recovery For Women" (p116) which says: "Knowing how to climb up the stairs does not get me to the top. The action I take may get me to the top, but if I rush or jump over some of the steps, I may fall. I find that taking them one at a time, one right after another, I will get where I want to go."
This has been true for me (despite my desire to "work" Steps 1 through 12 over a long weekend in my early sobriety. Thank God for my Sponsor who advised me to just re-read the Big Book (BB) and Twelve & Twelve and write about Step 1 !! :-)
The benefit I want to talk about that I have enjoyed as a result of working the Steps is described in the Promises that are listed on page 84 in the BB. "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us." My Higher Power's (God's) voice is as close as within me and no matter where I go or what I'm doing, I only need to "pause when agitated or doubtful" (BB p87). When I quiet myself and humbly and sincerely ask for guidance, it is always - always there for me, and it is the perfect answer for the situation. This intuitive guidance does not come from my head, it seems to come from somewhere around my heart and when I "get it" ~ there is a clarity that comes to my thinking that is unmistakable and I feel comfortable with going forward with that "decision".
For me, working through all the Steps seems to have cleared away the "junk" and shown me that my thinking did not serve me, or others, well. This process reinforced my reliance on a Higher Power to direct my thinking and my actions. The Step work built within me a greater trust in God and His guidance, and therefore opened that "intuitive" channel for Him to lead and guide and solve all my issues and problems. How cool is that? J :-)
The trick for me is to remember to pause when agitated or doubtful ! Clearly, God's not finished with me, but at least I'm more willing to listen for His voice.
Thanks for the opportunity to lead this meeting. I look forward to your sharing on how "intuitive guidance" works or doesn't work for you ~ anything else that comes up for you as you have read my share, or whatever you feel a burning desire to talk about.
July 10 : Step One - Powerlessness
Hello Everyone. I've been absent lately and some of it has been due to ill health, some of it because I have been so busy with "other stuff" which always seemed more important than AA.
What have I learnt in the past weeks?
a that I could not manage my own life
b that a Power Greater than myself really wasn't a nebulous thing
c that I had to actively seek for this Power that could and would help me out
d that I am utterly powerless over anything but my words/actions/deeds
My friend died last Wednesday she had the same disease (MS) as I do - her death was anything but easy - I have been watching her die over the last year and the last 3 months have been awful.... she lives/lived right next door to me........ I wanted the power to stop her dying......... I tried so hard to stop it - I bought a book - the answer - I cooked meals (until I tired myself out and had to admit that I couldn't do it) - I tried to make her laugh (laughter is the best medicine).......... all to no avail....
I am powerless - over other people - over life - over peoples' actions and words - in the last few months Kerrie's mum was acting very bizarrely (as one might expect a mum to act).......
I am powerless over life and people and places and things - my husband is leaving me but in the nicest way - we are still best-friends but living apart for over 4 years has this effect on a marriage - he wants to move on and by definition moving on means moving away - I know that this isn't happening because we have "differences" or he's having an "affair" (he may very well be) but because I could no longer live with him - and I am powerless over that chain of events.....
I have only realised that what I have been trying to do is deny my powerlessness - I want to be able to control people/places/things and the more I try the worse it gets - I get angry and then I start having attacks of the its someone's fault or attacks of self-pity or attacks of denial........ I don't want to life to continue any more......
But really that's not real - what I have learnt in 3 days has been that if I pray hard enough my God will turn on a light - and I will come to believe that God could and would if s/he/it were sought - what I need more of is the courage to seek..........
July 3 : Bled of Self-sufficiency
Today let's look at pg. 21 of the 12 x 12:
"Alcohol...bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands."
Until we figure out that alcohol takes so much more away from us than it actually gives us, we cannot see that it has indeed bled us dry and left us empty of all things of worth. To see we are powerless over alcohol, or anything else for that matter, we have to get that clear picture of what our life really was like; not, the version we see through our beer goggles!
We were so positive alcohol gave us courage, confidence, fun, and friends. When we step back and take an honest look at things we will see that for one, alcohol courage and confidence are not courage or confidence by any means. They are lies...lies told us by the alcohol which only seeks to bleed us of anything worthwhile. Fun? Would you want your "fun" posted on the internet or shown to your mother? Not me! Friends? Those fellow drinkers are only friends as long as we drink. That's just not a friend.
I know when I came in the doors the 2nd time in 2005 I was definitely bled of self-sufficiency. The bottle was my crutch so I wouldn't have to stand on my own two feet or deal with life as it was. Bit by bit my tank has been re-filled with the things that count eternally: joy, peace, love, compassion, honesty, friendship, kindness, and a healthy respect for where I've been and how far I've come.
What has your experience been?